SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I am liking it so far, and I like how it outline steps to get through the healing process or to figure out the process at least. However, I'm having a little trouble getting my husband to read things. That is kind of a different story, he's in a place where he is confused I'm not sure what the right direction is based on how badly he has damaged things. Have others read this book and find it helpful?

MY BW has read it and has suggested I read it as WH. I've seen it recommended by a number of people, and our MCs have mentioned as well.

Boundaries are a big area I need to work on, so I've heard this book has some good insights in that regard.

Does NJF present both perspectives? I find those kinds of books most helpful b/c they help frame things so I can understand what my BW is feeling/experiencing and also learn about myself.

To date, the most beneficial book I have read is "Secrets to Surviving Infidelity" by Dr. Scott Haltzman. I couldn't put it down actually. It was a fascinating read with a ton of a'ha nuggets of wisdom. I would like to attend one of his seminars if he's ever in the midwest.

I found it applicable to people with poor boundaries where "friendships" cross the line and become EA's or PA's. My H's A's didn't start out as friends - they began at the bar as drunken ONS's and progressed.

If your H isn't a reader, can you get him "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"?

It's short, succinct and the best thing we read to get us on the right path of R. It does't go into the same stuff that NJF does, but it's highly, highly recommended.

U1OH - note this book. You could probably read it in a couple hours and it would be very beneficial. Have you heard of it yet?

[This message edited by findingjoy at 5:16 PM, January 5th (Friday)]

Hey you all,

"Not Just Friends" was the first book I read. It was recommended on this site, which I discovered about 3 weeks after d-day. I gotta say it was the thing that made me start to realize that I wasn't special, my affair wasn't special, that AP and I were not soulmates, etc. That said, it still took me a long time, months really, to absorb the ideas. I did not completely let go of the idea of my AP as a star-crossed lover until...5 months after d-day? And although I was technically NC, it was almost 9 months after D-day that I sent the NC forever letter. It took a while to sink in, but this book was the beginning of my big brain rewiring project (big referring to the project, not the brain!)

I will say, though, that while NJF helped the most with understanding the emotional nature of my affair I consider "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald to be my desert island book for reconciliation. If I could only have ONE book, it would be that one. The first time I read it, well, it was a bit rough on me. The book is addressed specifically to the WS and while it does not pull punches, my experience going through the reconciliation process has proven the advice given there to be spot on in terms of what will hurt the chances of reconciliation and what will help it.

With regard to the book "Secrets to Surviving Infidelity", I've read it and I have to say that I found it to be pretty lacking in comparison. The author spends a lot of pages framing the choice to cheat as a response to brain chemicals and while I know from experience the high that is involved in an EA/PA, I think the choice to cheat and lie about it points to core character issues that must be resolved in the WS in order for reconciliation to be successful. "How to Help" does a much better job addressing that.

Additionally, "Secrets to Surviving" puts a large part of the burden on the BS to reconcile without fully processing their pain and anger. It seems like the author is not addressing the depth of the BS's pain and the deep harm caused by the betrayal. While he does make it clear that the WS needs to come completely clean on the "who, what, when and where" of the affair, the author lowers BS's expectations about the WS ever getting to the "why". The problem is, to my mind, that only in getting to the "why" can a WS have a hope to offer the BS emotional security. Overall it just does not seem a very realistic game plan to me for a solid reconciliation.

Unforgiven, if you have not yet read "How to help" I would recommend that you put it at the top of your list. Pay particularly close attention to chapters 1 and 2.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 8:11 PM, January 5th (Friday)]

Evolving/FJ -- I started reading NJF last night. From just the intro, I think it will be worth the read as boundaries have been the sticky widget that has gotten me into trouble. I'm also working on that issue with my IC.

Funny you mention the other book. I actually discovered it on my own, while googling ways to support your spouse after an A... I looked for it in our main library, but it's not in the catalog. I saw Amazon carries it, and plan to order it. I've seen a number of folks recommend it, in addition to you both, so it sounds like it's worth looking into. Haven't read this much since the college years! My "reading pile" is a tad overwhelming at the moment. Thanks for the suggestion.

Unforgiven,

I think it helps if you start to consider yourself as a student with a course load and a long term educational goal. My educational goals were

1) to understand the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved (BS, WS, family members, etc) with a focus on healing from same and

2) what are the natures of integrity and authenticity and how can I cultivate them in my life and

3) anything else that arises in the pursuit of goals 1 and 2.

I'm in my eighth year since D-day and I'm still chipping away at it. At the beginning it was a pretty frenzied effort but the brain rewiring does just take time. Epiphanies come and then the whole of past words and deeds and experiences are reviewed through the new lens that comes with said epiphany and are then reframed to create a more coherent understanding of how they are connected. That new understanding informs the direction and intensity of further study. Lather, rinse, repeat. Sometimes it seems like it's turtles all the way down but I have yet to find a reason to stop working at it.

Evolving - The sheer thickness of this book makes it seem like a daunting challenge (“War and Peace” anyone?) but actually, page count aside, it’s been a fascinating read so far. I see so much of my own situation reflected in the case study of Ralph, Rachel and Lara.

You have a committed family man with a solid moral foundation and a happy marriage who inexplicably allows himself to go down the rabbit hole. I completely identified with the frog and boiling water metaphor used to describe how things started innocently enough, but quickly spiraled out of control until Ralph found himself in boiling water. Glass writes about his commitment to his children and his integrity prior to the A. It’s amazing how Infidelity turns good, decent people into deceptive lowlifes.

Some things that jumped out to me:

“Sometimes people think they are on firmer moral ground if they deal primarily in lies of omission; however, the person who is betrayed rarely appreciates the subtleties.”

“unfaithful persons often say they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really protecting themselves from exposure so they can continue to live the double life.”

“For some people, the way to resolve the internal conflict is to get caught. They may get careless or start leaving clues that would incriminate them.”

That last nugget kind of hits on where I was this summer. I was knee-deep in something I never thought I would do and felt stuck. The AP was single and knew I was happily M when she met me. As things progressed, she repeatedly asked me to leave and I wouldn’t budge. I had no interest in leaving my BW or girls. None. So I was stuck. To make things more complicated, the AP (who supposedly had a history of depression and suicide attempts) started hinting at suicide and/or blackmailing me w/ work. It was awful! I felt a deep sense of guilt and desire to get out of the rat maze, but I had no idea how to do it w/o destroying everything. Well, it all got destroyed anyway. You may ask why the threats were so scary...I handle media affairs for my agency. Can you imagine if an AP did take her life and left a note blaming the guy who is the spokesman for the agency dedicated to mental health and suicide prevention? Things were fatal attraction ugly.

Anyway, this book is great so far. Forces the reader to be introspective and analyze their own situation. Very insightful. The walls/windows analogy is brilliant and something I need as I seek learn about healthy boundaries and create a safe(r) environment for my BW.

Ps - I ordered the How to Support Your Spouse After Your Affair book yesterday....

ETA: This particular point struck a chord with me, because it's something I experienced and I've tried to share with my BW. This right here explains why strangers making comments about my children or questioning my love as a father, quite honestly, piss me off:

"There was no question that Ralph maintained a security wall around his family life. He felt protective of his children and worked hard to provide for their physical and emotional well-being. Once when Lara made a critical comment about Rachel's mothering, Ralph bristled : she had no right to pass judgment on his wife, whom he considered to be a wonderful mother."

I recall vividly an exchange of messages that made my blood boil. Our kids are amazing, thoughtful, caring people. We have worked very hard to provide a loving and nurturing environment for their upbringing. My AP thought we were duds for not allowing the kids to listen to certain music, watch certain TV programs or watch movies that had inappropriate content for tweens. I remember thinking, FU! How dare you question our parenting skills?! Maybe that's why YOUR kid struggles at school and gets picked on, and our girls are doing so well. I totally stuck up for my BW and it pissed the AP off. Too bad; so sad - right? There were actually many occasions where I defended my BW. I should have seen those exchanges as an opportunity to get off immediately at the next exit, but again, as noted above, I felt trapped by threats.

Would love to hear others' thoughts on the book and if it you too had the same epiphanies/similarities.

[This message edited by Unforgiven1OH at 9:54 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

Great book. Just read it. Wished I found it 5 years ago. I read a lot of literature early on after the A and most of it was opinion based or theoretical. NJF was very empirical, based on real cases that aligned with categories derived through rigorous research approach, not anecdotal. I’m considering asking my WW to read it also. Not sure if it will resonate the same way for her. She is stubborn and probably won’t see the similarities with her experience with AP.

I purchased the audiobook of NJF for my H so he could listen to it instead of reading.

My WH thought reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" helped him to understand more about how deep the hurt was and how he could best help me heal (he was remorseful and ready to do anything).

I also got NJF. His was not that typed of A but I think we both got something out of it. I traveled a lot for work and have a lot of male friends in the business, it was a good warning to me about boundaries.

We went to MC early on and this was recommended for my husband. I read it, too. I told the MC and he made a comment like "ah yikes, it's really for the WS.. hard read for the BS" and reiterated later how the WS in that position is who the book is for.

Just funny and took me off guard. I see BS raving about this book all the time! It was a helpful read for me but WAS so triggery. It also made me incredibly mad, like how come you didn't KNOW THIS?! How could you be so CLICHE?! In a way, I felt like I understood the principles and reading it in black and white just kind of... hurt.

In hindsight,think I would have preferred my husband to read it and discuss it with me, rather than actually read the whole book myself. Maybe skimmed the parts that stuck out for him.

This book was so important in helping me understand that moving on from my WS was the only option for me. After reading this book, I believed with hard work and dedication we could save our marriage. I asked my EXW to read it. She said she would. After two weeks I open the book that was on her night stand, she had made it through 2 pages of chapter 1. It was at that point I knew her commitment level.

Not Just Friends is really good, and I definitely encourage everyone to read it. But if your spouse is overwhelmed by such a big book, definitely ask him to start with How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. My husband read it in 45 minutes at a coffee shop.