So much has happened in the last few years as I've tried to rebuild my life and plan for my retirement. After the A I stayed in IC for 5 years, paying out of pocket $100 a week. I invested over $20k in my mental health, much of the time I was unemployed or very underemployed, barely able to get by, and at one point I was completely out of money, living in an RV on the streets. I really struggled with PTSD, and being triggered, depressed, and stuck. But I started getting better as I continued my self-improvement project.
I started a part time job at a nonprofit organization in 2014, worked my way up the ranks to full time program management, and eventually got promoted to Executive Director in 2017. I built and grew the organization with a warm partnership with the president of the board. Then he moved away and resigned, and the new president turned out to be a nasty mean-girl bitch and I started having a LOT of trouble with anxiety and depression again.
I really hated working for her, but I was able to launch a major initiative that had a huge impact, and after 2 years of battling with her and having terrible anxiety (which was really different from my prior struggles with depression where anxiety was more in the background). I started looking for other work. I applied to two different nonprofits in the same sector, one in the next county over and one at the statewide level. I ended up getting a job offer to be the Executive Director of the statewide org and started working there in February this year.
And I have a new mean-girl bitch for a president of the board. I swear my picker is broken. And I'm back to being chronically triggered, my heart is racing and pounding in my chest, I feel super insecure and inadequate even though I know I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm at risk of losing my job all the time and it feels like the days when my XH was dismantling my life, emotionally abusing me and pushing me out of my job, home, and community.
I restarted therapy in April. My therapist has been helping me cope but it's not really enough and I'm thinking I need to go see my psychiatrist again after 5 years and get back on meds.
I thought I had my depression under control, but I don't. I have gained a bunch of weight and the feeling of my heart pounding in my chest is slightly terrifying.
I find myself afraid of being fired (there's really no grounds for it, I'm just catastrophizing in my head) and wondering if I should quit so I can stop feeling the constant dread. The work we do is really important and I'm proud of where I've taken my career, but the anxiety is awful.
PTSD from the trauma of infidelity and emotional abuse is real. It's hard to feel like life is good when you are constantly feeling under attack. I'm not really under attack, but my body doesn't believe that and the adrenaline flooding is a real bummer.
Has anybody else who got a PTSD diagnosis ever felt like they got over it?
Thanks for reading. I have mostly been posting in the JFO forum the last couple of years, trying to pay back the care and concern and good advice this community gave to me a decade ago. Most of my cohort is gone from the forums but I see a few old timers here now and again. Cheers to all you survivors!
[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 2:29 AM, July 26th (Sunday)]
FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.