SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, maybe some of you know my story but I was divorced in April 2020, just a few short months ago.

I did not think this would happen to me, I thought we were a perfect couple but she was not willing to try save the marriage so what choice did I have.

Anyway, for the past few months I have been quietly getting on.. slowly, very slowly building up my emotions and self confidence. About 2 weeks ago I found out she was seeing the OM, the OM that broke up our marriage and family. I was away when I found out (which was good) and was able to work through all the emotions myself. Then when I got back I needed to fix something at the house we still owned and are trying to sell. That day I told her that I am letting go completely of her, I felt so liberated like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I left and had a really great evening.

The next day I needed to go back and help with the yard as we were having new photos taken of the house, later that day she came up to me, grabbed my hand and started crying so hard saying "I'm so so so so so sorry for what I have done to you, to us" ... etc etc. She said I was an excellent husband and carried on and on with the tears. I didn't say anything other than "I will be ok" to which she answered "I know you will be".

So from that moment onwards I have been an absolute mess! I am in an emotional gutter and I can't stand the power she has over me. Yesterday we had an hours long texting argument (not a fight, there were no angry words) and it has left me sick to my stomach!

What has happened to me, how did I go from being so confident and strong to this wreck I am right now ? Do you think she did it to get inside my head, when I finally let go of her ?

Do you think she did it to get inside my head, when I finally let go of her ?

Yes, I do. My ex did the same thing and sucked me back in, only to start cheating on me again when my son was a newborn.

Don't fall for it.

I agree with JanaGreen.

A sudden shot of guilt is pretty much what it is. It's a temporary emotion from her- that's all.

Move up, move on.

When I fi ally pulled the plug on my 26 year marriage and announced we were done, I felt a sense of peace,something I had not experienced ed in almost two years. I slept better than I had in a year. I had hoped that feeling would last, but no.

When they say healing is non linear, they mean it. I have been separated for two years now and it does get better. I can't say it's good, it I can say that nothing could make me go back to my WW. Day to day, my feelings are complicated. Most days, I am sad and lonely. The Covid crisis certainly has not helped. But despite being sad, I am at peace. I recognize that I am grieving. It's actually a double whammy. I am grieving the end of a marriage, while also saying goodbye to my GF whom I met during my S. She was and is amazing, but we just could not make it work.

They say we need to be okay being alone. I'm trying to do that, but it does not come with an instruction manual, so I muddle. I have become intimately familiar with the word maudlin...Great word. I'm not sure I have the support network with friends I need. I have a BFF who lives 4.5 hours away, but we talk often. I have a sister who lives an hour away, but that's it. I just do things on my own. Right now, I am on av5ake myself to the pub dates.

It does get easier though. I've almost gotten used to falling asleep alone. It no longer feels strange. I buy cookbooks and try different things. That helps. I've noticed that my work has taken on a significance it never had before. It has become my social life. I work out a lot. Walk, run, and get away when I can. Usually, all alone. I have begun to dream again, dreams of the future. The funny thing is, I assume that I will be alone 8n these dreams. There isnt a place setting put out for a partner. Maybe that's me protecting myself. I don't know.

Once this virus crap is done, I will live again. I'm determined to do that. There are meetups, cooking classes, cross country skiing, and all those other things I can do alone. Maybe I will meet someone, maybe not. What I don't want is to need someone. I don't want to be fragile enough to need validation. This is tough for me as we are herd animals. People belong with people. So being alone does something to us. Maybe if most of my family wasn't dead, then I could function better, but I make due. It always makes me think about Hemmingway's character from Old Man and the Sea. Santiago was always content with his own company... I hope I get there.

This is a pretty depressing post. Sorry for that. Yeah, it's hard, but the alternative is worse. I could not imagine life with a cheater. I left with my soul intact and a new direction, forward.

I had a similar thing happen when ex came to pick up his stuff after divorce. They still have that power because we are joined with them still. Depending on the years together, for some of us long term ones (myself included) I think a part of us will always be.

This is okay you experienced this after her supposed heartfelt apology, (doubtful with these people but maybe she had feelings for a second.) Your reaction is probably a good sign that you are a whole, feeling, and healthy normal person. These intense sadness episodes will fade away though and relief that you are free of the crazy person will replace that awful loss feeling. I think that uneven, great one day, down the next, is pretty common for quite awhile depending on the healing time. Another reason also for continuing non contact, to allow this path without those pesky ex emotional interruptions.

Take care

Handle your business of selling the house. Those text arguments need to stop. I went through plenty of them and everytime it only messed me up. Control what you can control. It only hurts you when those arguments happen. I would spew on them for days, not worth it.

I'm sure she did do it to get inside your head. My ex still tried but I shut that down. Was your ex sincere, I don't know. She was with the OM 2 weeks ago. Then cries to you about how great you are and were. Could be once you said fuck this I'm letting go completely, it truly hit her with those words. Regardless, focus on selling the house. No arguments, it only hurts you and continue to heal.

The further I got away from my ex, unnecessary texts, seeing her in person, no contact etc. That feeling you're feeling started going away, healing. You got this.

Thank you everyone, for your responses. I have to say I am so relieved to hear that this is somewhat normal. These fluctuations in emotions. Boy it sucks!

This afternoon when I was thinking about everything that has transpired over the past year and a bit (D-day was June 9, 2019) I started to feel a panic attack coming on.

I don't know why I have absolutely no control over my emotions, my head knows that I never want her back... even in the beginning I was pretty sure that even if she did everything right I don't know if I could live with someone who felt it was ok to treat me like that. So my head knows I'm out but my heart is sure taking it's time catching up.

I am taking all of your advice and staying far, far away. You're all right about the no contact, but I don't know what it is about text arguments where you think you can get through to them... but all those face to face fights never worked for all those months.. so why would the texting work. Oh well... it is just SO HARD to imagine her being with someone else, but it's happened, I better just get over it.

Justsomeguy, I'm sorry but you're right your post was a little depressing... is there something I can do to help ? I agree with you that we are both better off without our WWs. We do have our souls and our integrity... good for us!

I have been divorced for a year now. I can almost sense it when she is texting me something. I can now see her angles and all the fights she tries to pull me into.

Best thing I have done since separation is to ignore all communication except about the kid. All of her attempts to share her guilt, or send me sad songs, or tell me what Im doing is wrong.

I am not her person anymore. Find other people who you can vent to and gather good insight with you. That will help tremendously.

I don't know that all of them do it with malice/intent to lure you back in. It's almost like some of them cling onto you like a life raft on instinct. I think my WH doesn't love me in "that way" anymore but he loves me in another way - and he realizes/recognizes that he fucked it all up and there is a sliver of recognition that I am not the piece of crap he convinced himself that I was. You represent stability. A past-happiness. She knows who you are...it's she that is a mystery to you.

But what does it matter, really? Intentional? In the moment? Regret? Manipulation? Fear? Who knows - you don't and likely she doesn't totally either.

At the end of the day its a process, and you will get through it. And it's okay to feel all kinds of mixed emotions...I don't think you would be normal if you didn't.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:09 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]

I think they do generally mean what they say when they say it, but their emotions are so shallow and rapidly shifting and inconsistent that it really doesn't matter. You can't rely on someone who is fundamentally unreliable not to hurt you.

I think they do generally mean what they say when they say it, but their emotions are so shallow and rapidly shifting and inconsistent that it really doesn't matter. You can't rely on someone who is fundamentally unreliable not to hurt you.

Yep, that. It's either that or manipulation pretty much every single time. They just aren't terribly deep. It's like a toddler having a meltdown like the world is ending one minute and then happily skipping off the next.

This for sure:

They just aren't terribly deep.

I said that to my WH at some point - that he could do all of this, and change his mind so quickly, because he was shallow.

It seemed like it didn't phase him at the time, but like 6 months later he mentioned that word - shallow - in reference to himself and he didn't like it. He said he'd been discussing it in therapy a bit although he is very loathe to go down the FOO path (as he really wants to protect his upbringing which wasn't so much abusive as it was just neglectful and uncaring - and it hurts him immensely to admit his parents are really not very loving or caring people). I think that statement hung with him because it actually explained some things to him - he has said he knows he's "not normal" in that he has trouble being empathetic in some situations and he is lacking connection.

So yeah, I think you are right - shallow/not deep/disconnected. It's all there. And to the OP - you are feeling, because you are normal. Embrace it. At least you aren't sitting in this world feeling like you are looking for your next dose of adrenaline to get you through every single miserable day. You'll get there. You will.

The narcs always return to the trough. You are their snack. What tears us up inside makes them feel great, like a workout and a smoothie.

They are vampires feasting on our lifeblood. Best to avoid them, since we cannot use wooden stakes.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 1:50 PM, July 31st, 2020 (Friday)]

What tears us up inside makes them feel great

Bingo! I believe this to be 100% correct but I have to admit I was not prepared for this.. I had no idea my wxw could be like this!

They love the ego stroke of seeing someone in pain over them. How important am I if I can reduce this person to a quivering wreck? Bonus, makes us easy to control.

They love the ego stroke of seeing someone in pain over them. How important am I if I can reduce this person to a quivering wreck? Bonus, makes us easy to control.

You are so right Janagreen and I hate that I am so easily manipulated... I really need to learn how to manage this situation going forward. I was a fool this week, a complete an utter fool for falling for it and doing EXACTLY what she wanted me to. What a fool! Ok, no more... I am not going to fall for that again. The best thing I can think of right now is to just stay far, far away from her.

They love the ego stroke of seeing someone in pain over them. How important am I if I can reduce this person to a quivering wreck?

Gah this just happened to me today. I couldn't control my crying after listening to STBX berate me as to why I am of the cause of the M failing. He makes me sick

(((thisIstMe))) it's so hard not to get pulled into this madness. I cannot tell you how many times I've fallen off the NC horse. Just have to get back up and try again.

I am so sorry, remember you are human.

This apology was for her. Offloading her guilt.

Next time don’t let her finish. She should own her shit.

I would try to limit the communications to facts only.

Hugs.