SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a vent. So if you can’t be kind, don’t respond. I don’t want sympathy. Nor do I care if anyone believes me.

BH has been off and finally pulled the plug on R. Things seemed like they were slowly going ok. So I couldn’t figure out why. At this point, he knows everything. At least I thought.

BH was adamant that I let my AP finish in my mouth. I never did that. I guess he reached out to AP and AP sent a video of this happening. I remember things. I don’t remember that at all. I have no idea what else AP said to BH.

I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know what AP did. I don’t know what else happened. I don’t know if there’s more. This isn’t lying. This isn’t some trauma that I blocked out. I literally don’t have any recollection of this happening. And now I am in a panic. What else did he do? How did this happen? (Aside from the obvious.) Did he do something to my kids? (I did have them evaluated and no signs of sexual abuse were found.) Was I drugged? What else am I going to find out? i

So now I am on my way to divorce and found out my AP did shit to me that I had no idea happened. I give up. There’s no coming back from this.

For a long time, I minimized and lied. But not with this.

You need to contact the police and have AP arrested for revenge porn.

that's the problem when you lie, minimize, and trickle truth. your BS is never gonna believe you, even when you are telling the absolute truth.

but wow! what a disgusting POS your AP is! report and have this clown arrested please!

was this a ONS? if so, then yes. you might have been drugged or something.

I reached out to the police. They put me in touch with a detective. He has committed a felony. The process is started.

Have you seen the video? Does it definitively look like you?

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

How did your husband figure it out? Did he reach out to AP or did AP start this? Have you seen the vid?

Is your BH willing to talk about this?

Perhaps you can ask to see the video, do you look conscious and alert? Like aware of the situation. If you were drugged, you'll look drugged in the video. Thats yet another thing you can take to the police.

OMG - that's horrible. Really for both of you. That is an image that I am sure Hallmack can't bounce back easily from, and the fact he videoed this without your knowledge and you don't remember it happening is beyond scary.

I am glad you called the police, the AP is evil and I believe sounds capable of anything. What a nightmare.

@Iamtrash,

If this is a critical point for both of you, perhaps offering to take a poly might be helpful? While you can't undo the proof that it happened, you might be able to prove that you weren't lying about not remembering it? (There are lots of reasons a person legitimately might not remember such details. "Trauma brain" is an expert at blocking out that which hurts too much to remember)

The other thing I want to offer is this - you noted that "There’s no coming back from this.". And it sounds like it probably is. I don't want to offer false hope. But "over" can be a point in time. Several couples on SI have gotten divorced only to remarry again later. People have been asked to leave, and then offered to come back again later when things have cooled down a bit. How you respond to this event, and more importantly, what effort you put into moving forward, is critical right now.

"You don't believe me when I'm telling you the truth" is not much of a motivating factor for a betrayed spouse to reconsider staying.

"I know you don't believe me, but I'll do everything I can to help rebuild that trust, including a poly if it will help" might be a better response.

"I'm sure it was horrific for you to see that tape. I'm not proud of what I did, and you don't deserve the constant pain and loss I've caused you. If I were you, I wouldn't believe me either. While I can't go back and undo what I did, I can promise you that, no matter what happens between us, I will never stop working to be a safer, more authentic and more honest person, and I will do absolutely anything I can to help you heal, and to stop hurting you more in the future. If you need me to go, I will, you deserve to be happy. My plan is to keep working on being a better person, no matter what. I hope one day, that might be enough to consider a second chance" for us. Because you deserve better, and because I am not capable of respecting myself if I keep being this same, broken person." is the message that needs to be delivered, by both word and deed.

Rebuilding trust takes sacrifice. It takes humility, and courage, authenticity and vulnerability, and a willingness to go to painful places and to throw yourself under the bus when that's where the truth takes you.

One last thing, and this is the part you may not like, but maybe need to hear.

Re-read what you wrote. I get that this is the WS forum and that you are venting, and that's all good. But this post was 100% about you, and your pain. Nowhere did you empathize with your spouse. Nowhere did you "own this" and say, "My God, I can't believe how much I destroyed this man's life" or even "I hate myself for causing all this". You are pissed at the AP. You are upset with your spouse's response. You seem to feel that you are being unfairly labeled as a liar. But I don't see ownership. I don't see remorse. I don't see contrition. I don't see empathy. And while I cannot promise you that having those things would save the relationship, I can almost promise you that not having them WILL end it. Because who wants to forgive someone who hurt them and yet feels owed the respect they themselves can't/didn't give in return?

I wish you the best Iamtrash. Please try to take this as a moment of decision and of growth. Because that will bring meaning, purpose and resolve to the situation. It will bring hope. It will allow you to rebuild the respect and trust you lost. But only if you can allow yourself to hurt like you need to.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 7:54 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

IAT should be allowed to vent and express frustration and anger at having been violated. Her BS decided to end R. She can take a small moment for herself.

I never got to see the video. BH deleted it. (Not maliciously, he was hurting.) I cannot vouch for anything but I believe him.

Since the messages were deleted, I now have no proof.

AP wins.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 4:46 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

A good example that pain can easily drives us to make stupid decisions. I'm far far from being a feminist but your husband had no right to view or delete that video without your consent.

Keep up with the police on this. If the video was sent on WhatsApp it can easily be restored. And even if not - unless your husband knows how to run a deep format of the machine there's a good chance that the file can be recovered. This isn't a joke, both your AP and your husband may have committed a felony here.

You're not a piece of meat. Regardless of your decision to cheat. Fight for yourself; change for yourself. You have value even if you can't see it in yourself right now.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 4:29 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

TJ

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:01 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

This forum is still a trip. I’ve literally been abused by this woman for a decade and I finally decide to walk and I have assholes saying I committed a felony? I asked her AP a question, the video was his response. I vomited after seeing it and went in the shower and cried. I don’t even fucking remember deleting the video