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Wayward Side :
Am I making a mistake?

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 2timesunfaithful (original poster member #47670) posted at 6:53 PM on Saturday, April 24th, 2021

So, 6 years past D-day, circumstances that are somewhat similar to our previous circumstances that led to my A. The old scenario was I had to take a job away from the house in order to insure a paycheck, health insurance. It was a 9 hour one way drive to get home. The other benefit was my Dad who was sick with emphysema lived closer to my "new job". It turns out he had cancer and passed away 7 weeks after I got there.

Then the string of bad decisions and poor morals led me to have an A, and betray my wife. We've been rebuilding our marriage, and are in a far better place. I love my wife more than ever.

Fast forward to now.

I've been offered a great job, my dream job at a national lab. It's only a 3 hour drive, my wife supports me and I'll need her a to get a job as we will have 2 households to support. Our kids are older, and she'll be down here in Georgia while I'm up north. In a few years she'll follow me up there, once our youngest is out of high school.

the scenario is better but I have concerns. If she can't get a job and the finances stress our marriage again. I know the signs from before, and much more wary of co-workers. No rooms for rent with any women involved. I have faith in my wife and truly believe we are stronger than ever.

Thoughts? Chase a dream job and go forth, or play it safe and stay home and always wonder. My wife supports either decision.

Me: WH 55 I lied to cover up my deceit. Her: BW 40's at D-day [BlueIris]M 25 years | 3 great kids

"A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. - Shakespeare

posts: 298   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2015
id 8653677
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 11:32 AM on Sunday, April 25th, 2021

I would ask yourself this question, how do you view your A now? Sit down and really think about that for a minute. I’m truly disgusted by mine and the very thought of being with another woman is abhorrent to me.

What work have you done on yourself in the intervening years? You say your wife is comfortable with the move, are you? Do you have what it’ takes to remain faithful? Is a fight with your wife or a bad time at work going to derail everything?

If you’re confident that you’re strong enough to handle the separation, I say go for it. If there’s a chance you’ll stray, don’t do it. No job is worth your marriage.

Me -FWS

posts: 2125   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8653795
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 1:36 PM on Sunday, April 25th, 2021

but I have concerns. If she can't get a job and the finances stress our marriage again.

...Then? What? you cheat again?

The fact that you are questioning this is concerning. The point of making changes and doing the work is so you and your wife won't have to live in fear the rest of your lives wondering if/when you'll cheat again. If it was stress and the inability to cope with it that attributed to your infidelity, I would assume you've taken the time to build confidence in your ability to cope.

Because, and I say this all the time, we have to actually physically and mentally do the work. Its not just going to happen for us because we are sorry and stop cheating.

6 years is a long time for our part in this. I feel by now, at the very least your new foundation would have set strongly with shored up values and belief systems, and a wealth of knowledge that you've gained in understanding yourself. How you got to that point and how not to go back. Where is your confidence in all of this? Why is playing it safe even an issue?

I have no opinion one way or the other whether you should take your dream job or not. But I will say this, no matter what choice you make, I would suggest that in your free time maybe pick up a book on coping, read and apply it to your every day life when you can. This stuff does take practice. And honestly some of the best material I've read for healthy coping has come from co dependent books.

Also, I was perusing my friends bookshelf the other day and he had the book "no more mr. nice guy" I see it here ALL the time recommend to our BHs so I was highly curious to scan the pages. I ended up borrowing it, anyway all of this to say, I would recommend it to our WHs any day of the week too.

I think you still have a lot of work ahead of you and I encourage you to take it on.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8653809
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 2timesunfaithful (original poster member #47670) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, April 25th, 2021

Forever, & ff4152,

ff4152 My BW is not concerned. I know what safeguards to establish. I spend time with her, and rebuild our foundation. The steps I take are to appreciate her, things I did not do before the A. The more important thing is my BW is confident, and that gives me more strength than my own confidence.

Foreverlabeled, I have the book No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. This is not about manipulation, it's about being a good man. The issue is not whether I will cheat; that is not my concern, or my BWs. I've rebuilt that bridge in our marriage and we communicate now better than in any time in our 25 years together. I will not fail my marriage again.

Will I lose my temper if she can't/won't get a job? will I succeed? will we be broke/homeless if I fail in the new job; get fired?

I'm married to an amazing woman, no other woman compares.

Failure to succeed is my worry, and yes I know that is up to me. Just posting, WH's tend to second guess ourselves after we betray the women we claimed to love while married. But I'm not second guessing my marriage ever again.

Me: WH 55 I lied to cover up my deceit. Her: BW 40's at D-day [BlueIris]M 25 years | 3 great kids

"A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. - Shakespeare

posts: 298   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2015
id 8653850
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 6:40 PM on Sunday, April 25th, 2021

Ooohh okay. Thanks for clearing that up because I read it obviously wrong. Not enough coffee I suppose.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
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15yrsinthemaking ( member #75828) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

Failure to succeed is my worry, and yes I know that is up to me. Just posting, WH's tend to second guess ourselves after we betray the women we claimed to love while married. But I'm not second guessing my marriage ever again.

Have you shared your fears of failing with your wife?

Does your wife have a good outlook on a job/career?

One sunrise at a time

posts: 122   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2020
id 8654220
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 1:10 PM on Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

Do you really think your BW is 'OK' with it???

You're on here looking for advice because you have concerns. So what matters more to you. The dream job or your family?

We all make choices. For me after D-Day and getting into R, I ended up eliminating a number of projects that required nightwork or travel and I also fired a few clients - all so I avoided the appearance of having an opportunity. Sure 5 years later my business income is still off about 25%, but I'm a lot happier and so is my family. Choices.

We're 5 years past D-Day, and my BW still gets nervous when I start to get depressed and withdraw (that was part of the lead up to my A). I suspect your BW is on pins and needles about this.

WH 53,my BW is 52. 1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015. Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday"
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 690   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8654272
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:53 PM on Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

I am not a person who is not very risk averse when it comes to decisions, especially business ones. In the last 4 years since my affair ended I learned more to live in the present, to not worry as much. When I catch myself I remind myself I will cross each bridge when I come to it. Take things day by day. We are just 6 months past my H's d-day, and I am still preparing to leave my job, sell our house, and travel full time with him. It's a risk for me to do that in the current status - this will certainly put more of a magnifying glass on our relationship at a time that might not be positive. But, then again what if it is? Things can always work out better than we imagine as well. I am sharing that because I want to preface some of my input with where I come from on some of it.

Thinking outside the box and doing things that make our life work better is something I enjoy and encourage to friends and family. Big risk can equal big rewards or big failures. We learn from both.

So, my initial response to reading your post last night was - why are you worried for your future self? Do you trust yourself to make a different decision if this decision isn't working well? Do you have confidence that you can maintain a great relationship with your wife/kid(s) not in their daily presence? We can never see the steps of our journey from it's starting point, so we have to have trust and confidence in ourselves that we can take it day by day and make the best decisions we can.

Except - the recovery of infidelity creates a lesser confidence. We have majorly failed in a way that has created a lot of pain/trauma, confusion, and grueling work. So, you begin looking at things with a lens of distrust even in yourself. We also create feelings of distrust/unreliability with our spouse. While I might be a bit of a gambler, it's harder to gamble a relationship that took everything to save.

I can't answer for you if you are making a mistake. Noone can. However, I can't tell what you are afraid of? So, here are some questions:

1. Your wife is onboard according to this post. Has she mentioned any concerns or pitfalls that creates reservations for her?

2. Do you just have the one child at home? Sounds like they might be in early highschool - do you have plans for how you will create time for that child?

3. How you can ease your wife's plate? Not being in the household puts more parenting on her, more chores, and it sounds like she would be going from a stay at home mom to also a career woman.

4. What is she giving up to move to be with you? What is she gaining? I know that's further down the road, I understand not wanting to uproot your kid(s). Is all her family and support where you currently live? So in essence are you asking her to live like a single working parent for the next few years only to uproot her from a fledgling career and her entire support system?

5. Does she still trigger over your affair? Do you see this being a trigger for just you or for her or both?

If these are things you haven't planned for, slow down a bit. The reason I say this is my biggest weakness in trusting myself moving forward isn't cheating. It's that I don't go back to sleepwalking through my life and using avoidance to cope. The things that led to my overall collapse as a human being did not come from choosing wrong at a fork in the road - it was the mismanagement of my daily life until I was miserable and resentful and lonely.

So, while I am not risk averse, I do think what you are talking about requires ongoing and deep communication, a lot of extra effort on your end so your wife (or child) doesn't feel abandoned. It's not a big risk if you manage it properly, and that's just going to take planning, continuous evaluation and modification. This is not a situation that you will be able to leave on autopilot.

With all that being said - I do understand the concerns surrounding your triggers. H and I find ourselves going into some territories that would have been similar circumstances to what was happening the year before my affair. There are times when I do just get that flash of terrified. I simply remind myself that I am not the same person going into those circumstances now. The blinders are off.

Last life observation - so my husband traveled for years with his job when our kids were young. It was purely a financial decision that we made together. Be aware that there becomes a dynamic when you are trying to cram a marriage into just the weekends. It can be good or bad, or a mix of both. Have you ever heard of a "disney dad?" that was a term coined usually for a divorced parent that has their kids so little that they try and cram as much fun and positivity into all the time they have with their kids. Certainly I watched that dynamic with my husband. Same thing happens in marriage. You don't see each other and you look forward to it (that's the good part) but sometimes you put off hard conversations so you can have a fun/sex fest to keep that happy vibe. Don't become a disney husband or dad, stay in the trenches of the partnership, the work, etc.

Food for thought.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:55 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7597   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
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 2timesunfaithful (original poster member #47670) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

Mr. Clean Slate,

she is on board, she and I were military kids, so we are used to moving.

The bigger issue for me is needing to make sure she is okay, and it's true that I do not become depressed and withdrawn. But unlike the other situation this job is only 3 hours away, I can be home in an afternoon. she is a home maker, but the kids are old enough to drive. She support me going away, which if she had concerns she would say so , and I would not progress any further.

Thanks for your thoughts,

2tu

Me: WH 55 I lied to cover up my deceit. Her: BW 40's at D-day [BlueIris]M 25 years | 3 great kids

"A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. - Shakespeare

posts: 298   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2015
id 8655429
Topic is Sleeping.
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