Went to IC tonight, our former MC, and she suggested that I go NC with both OW and Andi for awhile and stop flying by the seat of my pants "like a teenager."
She said I was letting OW and Andi run my life and it was time for me to figure out what I really wanted. When she asked me what I thought I wanted and needed I truly couldn't answer -- but she made a point that neither relationship was healthy and doesn't leave the door open, even a hair, to reconcile with Andi if I ever wanted to consider it.
I do know that OW didn't give me the distance I asked for in my R with Andi and broke NC, and Andi insists I targeted her BF for a revenge A, which I did not, while minimizing the impact of her own A.
Truth is OW pursued me when I was weak--which IC quickly pointed out that "that doesn't sound like a very good friend to have."
I said I believed both had a certain selfishness to them that didn't consider me at all.
We had all been friends in our college years and Andi and OW were the Alpha females in the group--they ran everyone's life basically.
What I did learn tonight in IC is that my life has changed forever, I can't undo anything.
In a weird twist, Andi left me a VM and said she was around to talk if I needed to, but that she respected my need to go NC for awhile. She said she wanted to work things out and for me to eventually find my way home--and I'm trying to figure out what I would need from her to ever make that happen.
She knows about recent contact with OW, and is surprisingly calm.
I do know that I'm as much to blame as Andi for this whole mess, looking back I realize that I didn't give her a lot of what she needed to feel safe after my Dday and most recently...It's my fault.
IC also suggested I go NC for awhile with our old circle of friends and keep my own counsel.
Still processing.
Those who can't post In my threads know who they are and I respectfully ask they honor that request.
[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:33 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]