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I find myself in a crossroads. Something that was a pre A issue before and it’s become a problem again. I have talk to him about this but I get the same two answers.

I find it’s the little things in a M that count the most. That mean a lot to me. Holding my hand. Picking up my favorite drink ect. About a month ago or so H was upset about the lack there of bedtime. But I told him I feel like he wants sex in the morning but he wakes up grumpy then in a blink of an eye he wants actions. I express to him I need the little things from him and he agreed he needed to step it up but nothing has change.

I also had to point out the things I do for him because he said he felt the same way. After pointing things out I do for him he could see that I was doing stuff for him.

I feel like I am always doing stuff for him. Thinking about him. Picking up different hot sauces for him when I see a new one. Asking him if he needs anything at the store. If I am going to town and it’s hot outside asking if he needs more water. I feel like he don’t want to make an effort to do the little things. I told him I need this to feel the connection between him. Just like he needs sex I need the little things. It’s like he got it for a moment and agreed but nothing charges.

The other way he reacts is he says things like I guess I am the bad guy. I am a bad H. But this is what he was saying to me before my A. I express my feelings and turns it around on me. No I am not going to cheat again. This is not what I am saying. It seems to me I can’t tell him what I need from him, the little things that he A) says he agrees but nothing happen or B) makes me feel bad about it and says I am the bad guy. I guess I am not a very good H.

The crossroad is I feel like I should but don’t want to play the game of “well I am going to stop doing stuff for him because his not doing x y z”. But at the same time I feel like I give to him but it’s not getting returned back. Yes we do talk more. We hang out more. There are certain things in our M that are better. I just need the little things from him to show me the live he says he has. He tells me all the time he can’t do life without me. This family can’t live without me. How I mean everything to him. But when it comes to showing it he don’t.

Again this is stuff I did brought up to him pre A but would turn the tables around on me one way or another. I feel like I need to do less but I don’t want to play that game but I feel like I am giving all the time and he hardly gives back. Yes we have talk about this but nothing happens. I don’t know how else to explain to him when I say to him you need sex from me to feel that connection like I need the little things…. He gets it for that moment but it don’t change.

Thoughts?

A lot of what you wrote could describe my pre A marriage. My wife was always the thoughtful one. She would often bring home my favorite snack or a t shirt or some little token showing she was thinking of me.

If I were to hazard a guess, I would say the following could apply to your H. He is the breadwinner; perhaps he feels that his role is more important than yours. I know that’s pretty much how I felt. I’ve been the major breadwinner for a very long time and I thought my responsibilities began and ended at that. It was my wife’s job to pick up the rest.

Along with that, perhaps he doesn’t really view the issues you’ve mentioned as his problem. He might be giving you a lot of lip service but I wonder if he secretly thinks that you’re just being a nag.

I will say that nothing will change unless he truly wants to. He needs to acknowledge that there are issues and do the work to fix them. I know I didn’t start to change until after I ended my A and removed my head from my ass. I because an involved and emotionally active member in my marriage again. Your H has to understand that a marriage is an equal partnership. One spouse doesn’t have a higher standing than another. IMO until he embraces than idea, things are going to stay the same.

Actually that’s not entirely true. I daresay your resentment level is going to increase. Possibly to a point where you want out of the relationship.

I took the Dr. Phil quote literally...I taught my H how to treat me. It seems to be frowned upon a lot on here...but for ME it worked .

I told my H on Dday that he had been selfish throughout our M...and one of my ultimatums was that he was going to be UNSELFISH when it came to me. My ultimatum for that was that two times a month my H had to PLAN something just for ME. It wasn't something that was for US...only ME.

It started out simple...he took us to one of my favorite restaurants that wasn't one he cared for. But he showed it was for ME. It got awkward at times because he would forget certain things...and I would remind him a little too much for my comfort. But I have to tell you...once my H started putting it in his head to think about what I liked...it changed his whole perspective .

It reminded me a lot like Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker". It wasn't that my H couldn't do these things...it was more like he didn't know HOW. Just like in that movie...when my H realized how EASY it really was to be a GIVER...he wanted to do it more and more .

We stopped doing the two times a month exercise because honestly...my H started doing things for me ALL the time . It takes work...and can get SO frustrating at times...but as long as my H showed he was willing to TRY...I was willing to keep on going.

My XWH however...refused to try anything to show me he was willing to work on our M...so it doesn't always work out. But if YOU feel your H IS willing...it might be worth a try to teach him how to treat you...by actions instead of words .

Ff-yes he is the breadwinner in the family. I stay at home with the kids. I do think he think what he does is more important. Even though he says what I do is hard work and he could never do it he still talks like what he does is way more important. He also wants to take him working hard for the family and turn that into that’s how he shows his love. But that’s not my love language. I have told him that before. He wants me to accept that as my love language.

Wanttobehappy- Your reply reminds me of stuff that he does. When are dryer broke down and we had to get a new one. I remember him saying I just brought you a new dryer. He takes this “us” or “we” thing and will say it’s for you. Just because I am the one who does the laundry for the family don’t mean it’s for me only. It’s for the whole family.

I know he can do this because his always willing to go the extra mile for other people. He likes the good guy look. Nothing wrong with that BUT he don’t do that with me. I think deep down he knows I will always be here. We are both at a point we know neither one of us is going anywhere. I don’t want a D and he don’t either. Trust me I know this for a fact. So I think his gotten comfortable in certain areas.

I thought I found the words for it with the whole sex talk. You need sex like I need the action. I was cleared to him it’s the little things. I didn’t want him to be overwhelmed having to plan big events all the time and have to spend a lot of money.

You may have found the words for it . Time will tell through his actions .

We are all wired differently...so what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. When you find what works for him...since you know he is willing...it will be like opening a floodgate .

Sorry godheals, but I think you miss what your husband is feeling right now, he doesn't want to "bargain" any price for your remorse and your attempt to fix things, he wants (rightly in my opinion) to see efforts only aside yours, You have touched him in masculinity, you have emasculated him, don't you think you can make up for it by buying things, cooking well, being kind and moreover asking him to work on things that disturb you? Obviously he always feels emasculated, unwanted and subjected to a kind of psychological "blackmail". He needs to see that you are repentant no matter what he does, that you understand his mood no matter what it is and that you desire it sexually, do all this for a long time and then maybe it will be himself( ( is aware) to change these aspects ...

[This message edited by maxfocs at 11:29 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

T/J -

Exactly how do you know all this, max?

I know ... I know ... you think you're sharing your opinion. In fact, you're sharing your fantasy.

How does that help godheals?

How does that help you? What help are you looking for? I urge you to open your own thread(s) and ask for what you want directly.

End T/J

sisoon Why? Is there anyone here who goes beyond bringing their own opinions based on their own experiences? We all report only what we think based on what we have experienced and how we have processed it. I continue to think strongly about the things I have written and which I repeat, and I am convinced that having a true point clear, helps much more than a lot of empty and useless chatter. And no, I will not open a thread on this, I just reply with intellectual honesty and 100% confirm the above ...

Maxfocs

Sorry godheals, but I think you miss what your husband is feeling right now, he doesn't want to "bargain" any price for your remorse and your attempt to fix things, he wants (rightly in my opinion) to see efforts only aside yours, You have touched him in masculinity, you have emasculated him, don't you think you can make up for it by buying things, cooking well, being kind and moreover asking him to work on things that disturb you? Obviously he always feels emasculated, unwanted and subjected to a kind of psychological "blackmail". He needs to see that you are repentant no matter what he does, that you understand his mood no matter what it is and that you desire it sexually, do all this for a long time and then maybe it will be himself( ( is aware) to change these aspects ...

If you had posted this say a year or two or even three after Godheals DDay, I supposed your statements might have some validity. We are now over 6 years after the fact. Are you implying that she doesn't have a say in her marriage? Her BH elected to stay and R; just because he did doesn't give him license to act however he wants.

He has an absolute right to pull the plug on the marriage and leave. But since he didn't, it doesn't mean his needs are superior to Godheals. Marriage post A (if R is on the table), has to eventually become an equal partnership. Godheals has an absolute right to voice her dissatisfaction on the actions of her H.

maxfocs- My H and I have happily R for about 3 years now. What I was saying was also a preA issue. Your post is coming off like because I had an A I need to forever bow down to him for the rest of my life sexually. R is not a one sided street. My H and I are on the other side and have made it through the storm. We are at the point it’s not just about him because I had the A. It’s about us coming together and rebuilding together. I need to give him my body each time to prove I am remorseful. It appears that your new here. I don’t post much. But sometimes knowing the background of a poster is good. I am looking for good sounded advise not for some male to tell me I need to give it up each time and my needs are useless because I had the A. That’s not what R is about. Sorry I think you need to do a lot more reading then giving people advise.

but I'm not saying that she doesn't have this right, I'm just giving him an overview from inside him (in my opinion, of course) and it doesn't matter whether they are 6-10 or 20 years old in R, it always depends on whether time the right things have occurred to heal the BS, What I am telling you is that BS's blatant dissatisfaction may be due to the fact that his R work has not been well addressed and I was offering him a key to reading, he is then to her, who knows the implications better than you and me, to know what to do with them, even throw them away if she thinks they are wrong. But it's up to her to decide, not you.

godheals, very true that I should have read more about your story, but I recognized that I have already seen them and that they had the same implications and I have proposed them to you in good faith. I don't mean what you say at all, I don't mean sexual commodification or "bartering" in that sense, I'm saying that perhaps in him there are retro-thoughts still not elaborated or resolved, free then to think, modify and act accordingly, of course, As for the experiences in this sense, I have been many times WS and many times BS with different women and sometimes starting me sometimes them and the same thing I have seen happen many times in my family of origin, as experience I have too much too . Then I can be wrong of course, but I know what I am saying and why. I wish you the best and believe me, there was no bad or harsh criticism from me. I hope everything will be fine for you ...

[This message edited by maxfocs at 4:32 AM, June 26th (Saturday)]

WTF

Something fishy about maxfocs and his few post…. All being about sex…

godheals,I do not see what is "suspicious" in this, the posts are few because I have been a member for a short time and I have read a lot here and before participating. The fact that they are about sex probably from the fact that in my stories it has had a great influence (in various forms) and that I have often noticed that it is almost always swept under the carpet, but then in the end it matters more than what you would like to leave to believe. And it is not a simple sexual question in itself, but the very foundation of the uniqueness of the relationship, the basis without which the relationship often becomes contractual and comfortable (children, lack of desire to start over, habit, fear of loneliness, insecurity, etc.) i see dear godheals that you took an aggressive step towards me, when i did not do it towards yours and the fact that you went to check my posts makes me think that i hit the mark more than you would like to imply

Nah. She just checked your past posts,to see if you might be from Wisconsin.

Hellfire, please be mindful of the guidelines.

maxfocs, you have a pm.

I checked your past post because I wanted to get the background information on you. There is a reason you can check it. And there is a reason why people put their stories on here. It’s a very important part of the information for us to base are opinions or advice to others.

A fresh WS vs a WS who has done the work and has R with their spouse our advice is going to be different.

A fresh BS vs a BS who has been on here for years again the advice will be different.

Seeing your new and only having a few post I wanted to see if you were the WS or a BS and get a little background information. It’s what people do. Sorry if you don’t like it. It’s how the website is designed. I do find it fishy and odd about your post but then again that’s just my opinion.

Hellfire why could i be from wisconsin? Who's from wisconsin? Anyway godheals, I'm sorry you found my posts "strange". The more I read here (and elsewhere) the more I find confirmation of what I think. I do not want to trivialize by saying that sexuality and desire or physical appreciation are everything, God forbid, but as Freud also states (even if I don't particularly love him and sometimes I find him "obsessed" and far from Jung's holistic vision which instead I adore ) sexuality competes with survival as a basic instinct and the reason is not "lustful" but lies in the fact that sexuality (which is connected with birth and death themselves) contains many of the anthropological foundations that drive us and motivate. When I raised the doubt that your bs might still be negatively affected by this in your relationship, I was saying it because I have seen hundreds of situations, even after many years, where they had failed to re-establish the right connection in that niche and it does not correspond to doing. lots of sex or getting it right,and this continued to silently but lethally affect the whole relationship. Mine was food for thought, nothing sick or aggressive. As for the experience, I told you, I am many times BS and WS often starting from WS but sometimes not and I have lived both R and separation and D, I have a story too long and complex to write it and in any case all addressed to a past that stopped years ago. Now I am single (not happily but I deserve it) with children far away (Germany and I live in Italy and I am Italian) but fortunately I see quite often, also because I have remained on excellent terms with my German ex, but this would only be there. last of my important stories. Forgive me if I irritated you godheals, I assure you it was not my intention in the least. I promise I'll never go back to this topic with you. My best wishes for you and your M.

[This message edited by maxfocs at 4:57 AM, June 26th (Saturday)]

Take the win here you 2 made thru a A. This is almost like saying he leaves the toilet seat up. You 2 have 4 kids and have been r for 3 years. You say your marriage is better in ways. This a LOT better than most. Just keep working on it.