I'm with BSR on this. It's hard to remotely get to the underpinnings of each of your issues and which issue came first, which issue exacerbated other issues. We all can agree that a DB is no reason to cheat. And, as BSR stated, a dead bedroom is a matter of relative perception that is often seen in mismatched sexual needs.
A Dead Bedroom, sexual needs mismatch, and feelings of inadequacy are already difficult issues to resolve on thier own without the added complication of infidelity.
Intimacy is usually at root of such issues. Not the physical kind of intimacy, but rather emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is rooted in deep trust. If someone can't emotionally open up to you, expose thier innerself to you, make themself vulnerable to you, emotionally-mentally naked, then they're not going to be able to manifest that physically.
Unfortunately, trust has been damaged.
Post DD I was able to have sex with my WW, but love making was difficult. The specialness was gone. The trust was gone.
Your BS needs to feel special and not just another one of your hook-ups.
There are many factors involved in DB's, everything from poor chemistry, labido mispatch, insecurity and body immage issues which lead to inhibitions, religious and or FOO inhibitions, past sexual trauma, stress, resentments and anxiety, lack of emotional connection...
and the list goes on, and you just added to this list.
The last issue "Lack of Emotional Connection" is a big one with the ladies. If they don't feel deeply loved, special and appreciated...
I've had some experiance with partners who needed alcohol to get in the mood. I too questioned if it was because they did not desire me or were not attracted to me. I craved sober love making vs drunk shallow sex. I wanted my partner conscious and fully in the moment. I would then react to my fears and suspicions with passive aggresive games, ploys and pouting that just exascerbated the situation. I got my shit together and tried a more mature-enlightened approach. Turned out, after some deep-intimate honest loving discussion, that she had inhibitions born from very personal insecurities and past sexual trauma. She trusted me with this profoundly personal revelation. She made herself vulnerable to me with this information and this drew us closer together. It was from here we were able to work the problem, very patiently, by degrees, at her pace.
Your affairs are going to be a huge setback in the resolution of the pre affair issues and the evolution of those issues and, now, the post affair issues and the spin-off metastatic issues. This is going to take some deep IC and loving patience.
I believe the place to start is by sewing the seeds of trust, trust leads to emotional intimacy, which leads to physcial intimacy.