SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a depressing moment. I really would like to save our 31 year marriage but the only way that can happen is if I could believe in WH becoming a better person. In order to stay, I need a reason to believe, a reason to be able to start trusting again. That would all stem from him genuinely growing up and acting like an adult and being a better person. As remorseful and loving as he is, I don't see meaningful change in who he is. Still won't go to the Dr. and address health issues, still spends with abandon. We generally enjoy each other's company and have good times together when we don't think about practicalities like paying the bills and staying healthy for a bright future. Am I expecting too much?

I waited 18 months to see if XWH would change to be a safe partner. He was going to IC, but wasn't changing. He basically sexually assaulted his next almost AP, and I said I was done. Filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary.

How do you want to spend the next 20+ years?

Thanks LeahFields. So hard to get through 3 decades or more and realize that it’s not going to work. We were supposed to be heading into the good days. I feel like my future has been ripped out from under me and its never going to be the same with our network of friends. Very depressing.

Still won't go to the Dr. and address health issues, still spends with abandon. We generally enjoy each other's company and have good times together when we don't think about practicalities like paying the bills and staying healthy for a bright future. Am I expecting too much?

This is an infidelity website and almost everything that we discuss is through the lens of infidelity. The above quote has precisely zero to do with infidelity...

And what you write here is sufficient reason, in my opinion, to file for divorce (even without infidelity). People evolve (or devolve). You can move on if that's what you want.

Phrasing this differently, my ex-wife cheated on me and I focused on her infidelity and reconciling for two years before we decided to get divorced. I wanted her to be a better person too, mostly within the context of her affair though. I wanted her to take responsibility for it and I wanted her to be remorseful. She didn't and so... well... divorce happened.

Beyond the infidelity, though, I am so glad that we got divorced. Her infidelity was merely one symptom of her toxic behavior and personality. Sometimes infidelity is a blessing because it's something that is so clear that it makes you see divorce as a legitimate path forward... rather than the "slippery slope" of "well... that's not too big of a deal... I promised to stay with him for better or for worse."

In the profile there is the story of betrayal.

Have you told your husband how you are feeling?

Have you told him what you need and what will happen if there is no change?

I’m not talking threats. It’s not:
"You better change or I will divorce"

But rather:
"I am not content with where our marriage is now and there is no way I alone can fix or change things. I enjoy your company and would want to remain married to you, but I have serious issues with… (spending), (health)…
My concerns are at a level where I’m thinking maybe I’m better off without you. I don’t WANT that, but it’s where I’m headed while I feel you so disengaged from my needs.
What do you suggest we do to get things on track?"

Hear how he views the issue. See what commitment he’s willing to go to.

It's tough when you're getting to the point of retirement and you feel like you're getting to the "home free" stage. Our home was paid off, and XWH was nearing early retirement. I took a long, hard look at the last 10 years of our M. XWH was pretty much ignoring me, and wasn't what I would call a friend - unless we were going somewhere on vacation. Basically, he wouldn't even answer me when I would ask what sounded good for dinner.

If he'd worked to become a safe partner and would have been more in the friend camp, it would have made my decision to leave much more difficult. When he tried having sex with the next person, he crossed the line & I was out. As barcher said, XWH was a toxic person & I'm happier now than I have been for a long time.

Bigger's advice is fantastic. If you want to stay with your WH, give it a try & see where it leads. Really, if your WH wants R, he should be doing whatever he can to show he's safe.

The anger for me, in the beginning, was overwhelming. It started to wane at about the 2-year mark, and by then I was in my own place & headed for D.

You must be getting reasonably close to retirement and he’s spending with abandon? Is this a longtime issue? You know financial abuse is a thing, too?

You said you want to save your 31 year marriage. I get that — I was in a 25 year one.
But let me ask you WHY you want to save it. Not judging- just some things to think about.
* He’s behaving recklessly with his health and your finances. Health issues = financial issues, so that’s just going to get worse.
* What is your definition of a good partner? What did you set as what you needed for R?
* Is he endangering your retirement? Would you be better off (more secure) if you were divorced and your finances were separated?
* Have you talked about this? Maybe with an MC?

M is a partnership. Yes, it’s about love and enjoying each other’s company and all that. But it’s also a business arrangement— we will pool our resources and work together to achieve our joint goals: personal goals, professional goals, financial goals. If he’s only there for the fun time stuff, then, well, you can have friends for that.

Please think if this is what you want. As you state, you can’t do this alone— he has to step up and be an adult.

Whatever you do, make sure you put your interests first— he’s obviously putting himself first. Best of luck -

Thank you all very much for your thoughts. It really does help to clarify things.

BARCHER 144
"This is an infidelity website and almost everything that we discuss is through the lens of infidelity. The above quote has precisely zero to do with infidelity..".

Regarding your comment above, the things I mentioned in my original comment may not have been very clear but had to do with rebuilding trust after betrayal / infidelity. The way I see it is, I need to find a way to trust this guy again if we are to stay together. I’m looking to see that this person has grasped his deficiencies and is working to improve his character and who he is and how he behaves on a broad scale. That for me would be indication of positive change. Unfortunately, as of yesterday, I really wasn’t seeing too much improvement and that hasn’t helped with the rebuilding of trust.

One day at a time.

I have been S for 3 years and am on the cusp of D. Can't wait. I should be 10 years away from retirement, but now mus begin a rebuilding phase again, which at my age is a challenge. But something that Covid taught me is that there is no way I can be happy being retired and idle. I need a purpose in life and my career gives it to me. So I will work til I drop and be content.

As for my STBXWW, others have described her as an emotional vampire who sucked the oxygen out of a room. I sort of saw it but reallyvregused to embrace that when we were married because I was committed to her as a husband. I saw it as my role and was afraid of really developing contempt for her.

Now that there is enough time and space between us, I am starting to recognize just how unhappy I was with her as a person and how I did have contempt for her at a subconscious level pre-A. The infidelity just gave me a reason to let that come to the surface. I suppose that is why R was never really an option for me as I found her disgusting at every level and there is no way back from that.

I dontvregret my decision to D. I do regret ever getting married though.

That for me would be indication of positive change. Unfortunately, as of yesterday, I really wasn’t seeing too much improvement and that hasn’t helped with the rebuilding of trust.

I understand you perfectly well.

I am saying that you have plenty of reason to get divorced, even if he hadn't strayed and had an affair with someone else. You have plenty of valid reasons to divorce him. It's okay to do.

Your H is soooooo lost he cannot find his way out of the hole he is in.

What you write is sad — because it seems your H is grasping at straws to find happiness after the death of your child. I’m not making excuses but just trying to understand his behavior.

Unfortunately you have very little to work with. He’s not going to change unfortunately. It sounds like he’s self medicating — and who knows how that will end up.

I’m sorry for you. You need to protect yourself. Make sure his debts cannot be your responsibility. Cancel any joint credit cards if you haven’t already.

It does not sound like you are asking too much. It sounds like you have been carrying around a burden of caring for someone who doesn't want to care for himself or others. It doesn't mean the marriage has to be over. I believe that with prayer and counseling, things can improve. If he is not willing to see a counselor with you, explore the option of seeing one on your own. Hugs to you.

You aren't expecting too much. You are allowed to have basic requirements for a spouse and if he's not willing or able to meet them, then it is what it is and it leaves you to make a choice. Divorce is hard, but it's something you would survive and get through. You'd be able to craft a new life probably with a lot less emotional stress. Sometimes you do get to the point where you picture the next 20 or 30 years as being the same as what you have now and just cannot do it. Nor do you have to.

I am new here but reading your post reminds me of what I am going through. Going on 39 years of marriage. H had an affair 20 years ago and I stayed for our kids but have never been able to trust him. Fast forward to today and he is letting his health go along with spending money (lots of money) on drinking wine at the local wine bar and chats up all the women - even though he says it’s harmless. I am very active and he is jealous of my activities. This was suppose to be our golden years. I have tried to be supportive but I feel like I just can’t save him and yet I am so scared of giving up on such a long marriage.