SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The last time I was active on here was September of last year. I had to step away because I felt I wasn't giving the effort to receive the help and take in the messages that I really needed to hear. My life has changed so much and thankfully for the better. I want to help others by sharing my story as I am in a point in my life, I see so many people struggling around me and I hope my story will inspire others to see themselves and get the help that they need. I will start with that night...I was still living with my BS at the time, I was very miserable and was in total face off with the reality of what is, and it was excruciatingly painful. All that time since D-Day, I was still playing the part of thinking I could do just enough to "fix" things or manipulate the "outcome." All while not doing the actual in-depth work to go through the process of affair recovery. I was sleeping on the couch feeling lonely, scared, anxious, and drowning in feelings of rejection and abandonment. I realize now, I was only abandoning and rejecting myself. After a conversation one night, I felt paralyzed with fear and felt completely hollow and numb inside. I said to myself "I can't do this anymore." I took out my journal and wrote a letter to my family saying my final goodbye. I knew this was wrong, I knew it was selfish and would cause so much devastation, but in those moments, I had no feelings, I wanted my life to end.

I grabbed a rope that my brother left behind when I moved in, cut it long enough to wrap around my neck. There was a hook in the ceiling that was used to hang plants that was next to the couch that I slept on. I grabbed the stool and placed it underneath it. I grabbed my phone and cleared everything out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of this not like any other time. I tied the rope around the hook, stood on the stool and wrapped the rope around my neck. I was scared, but I wanted to stop living. I kicked the stool and the rope tightened and burned around my neck. I immediately when into a hysterical panic and found myself struggling to breathe. I started screaming for help to my BS. She came out and somehow managed to loosen the rope around my neck. These moments changed my life...

Fast forward to November 9th, I am sitting in a hospital room waiting to be checked into a psych ward unit. I am in the most fragile state I think I have ever been in. My state of mind is going back and forth to erratic and numb. I was left that night laying there thinking I may end up here forever. That morning, I was taking to the 7th floor which was the psych ward. Wearing only a hospital gown and socks, I walked in and saw several others sitting in the common area. I somehow felt I belonged here. I had dreams and thoughts that It would take this experience for me to finally breakthrough what I was feeling. And it did. I stayed there 8 days, no phone, no tv in my room, check in every 15 minutes, increased meds, I couldn't leave the floor for any reason except the one time for good behavior. It was me and 15 other people who were lost, broken, addicts, victims, you name it, but we eventually found out we had so much in common. We all felt not good enough, unworthy, unloved, not seen or heard, and stuck in a lot of shame. We all wanted to do things right and be our true selves, loving us and other unconditionally, but we just didn't know how. I met with doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, social workers, occupational therapists, and learned so many tools to help us know that we are capable, and we are not alone. That there is help even in our darkest hours. I poured my heart out, I allowed no visitors except my sister because she worked in the same building. I wanted to take it all in, learn everything, to find ways to know that I need to be here, I truly have a purpose to live.

November 16th, I was granted to leave. It was bittersweet because I gained connections with so many people and I wanted to reach out to others like me and give them hope, but I knew my stay was temporary. I have been living with my sister since then and it's going better than expected. I am saving up to get my own place, something I was mortified to do in fear of being alone. I am still seeing my therapist and she confirmed I am no longer drowning in shame cycles! I only wear my jacket if it's cold too. I am currently on my 12th step in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which is described as Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. I am in the process of joining a Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee which offers outreach to those who in treatment centers, incarcerated or otherwise confined and unable to attend regular meetings. I am not dating anyone, but my sponsor is creating a dating plan that will allow me to sober date. The medication I am on has help me tremendously by cutting down my negative thinking patterns, depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation. I am also going to go through a divorce at some point which I know will best for both of us.

I am very grateful to be alive as I see that I am here for many reasons. I still have a lot of work to do but, but I am in the best place mentally and emotionally. I am not writing this for advice, and I hope people can avoid doing everything to avoid endangering their life. I want to let others know that I went from thinking I didn’t deserve to live or think I couldn’t change. I was wrong. I genuinely want to share my story to give others hope.

Please PM if you need outreach or resources to help.

Thank you to those who read this.
CAL

I'm not even sure what to say yet CAL, but I do want to simply let you know you've been heard, and thank you for coming back to share your story. I'm glad you are still with us, but more than that, I'm glad that you feel you are starting to get the support you need, and are able to begin making the changes you need, in order to actually "live" your life. Fear of being alone is a huge trigger for many waywards. I can tell you that, in my case at least, the ability to finally let go of the fear of being alone, or a "needing" anyone else to make me whole, was key to me being able to pull my head out of the shame spiral, and it allowed me to being seeing myself in a realistic light, while also allowing me to finally see and care about others too. It is amazing how much empathy opens up when you are buried in shame.

I will add more later but just didn't want this to go unanswered.

ChanceAtLife35…this username has so much more meaning.

It was brave of you to give this update. I am happy to hear that you are getting the support you need IRL. Please take care of yourself and use all of the resources possible to remain in a better place.

I wish you much peace and happiness.

Thank you CAL. It easy, even years later, to slip into guilt spirals and I appreciate your sharing your experience.

CAL, thank you for coming back to share.

CAL, I’m a BH and have followed your posts.

I do think it is great that you came back to post about a very difficult time in your life.

I was in your BW’s position. I too intervened in my WW’s suicide attempt. I don’t think to this day, that I’ve really come to terms with that night.

Im very happy to hear she intervened and saved your life. You have a great gift of hindsight and think it’s really good you are planning to help others in the same situation.

I'm glad you're able to find some healing.

Please keep posting. There's too few of us here who are really working through our problems and openly sharing.

@DD, thanks for your support when I really needed it. I am just grateful to be given opportunities to continue to work on myself and others. I will try my best to be more active on here.
@WOEZ, thank you for that, I feel like I did pick my username for a reason. I will not stop the work and thank you for your well wishes.
@avoidanceissues, I am glad to hear you appreciate my story. Thank you.
@BSR, Thank you, good to hear from you.
@jameson1977, Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your experience. I am here if you need support.
@MIgander, that's why I am here now to make the most efforts of help out here.

Hey Chance! I have to admit I'm taken aback by your update. I'm truly sorry that you found yourself in such a low and dark place. One of my best friends killed himself 5 years ago and I thought while I read your account of your attempt, how much I wish someone was there to have stopped him.

I know in my heart if he had gotten out of his life situation (his wife was cheating) and got the help he needed it never would have come to that. And I think he would have been happy again, even happier than ever. Reading this only cements that in my thoughts.

I'm grateful that you didn't meet the same fate. I've not been suicidal, thankfully, so I can't pretend to understand, nor have I tried. Not even with the experience of my beloved bff. It still hurts too much and I'm still too angry.

You know something else that came to mind is that sometimes we hit rock bottom and that becomes the catalyst for turning our lives around. For some its dday, divorce, being sick of yourself & ways, and even in your case near death experiences. I know now that hitting rock bottom was the only way I was going to wake up.

And while I absolutely hate my actions that brought me there, I'm not sure it would have happened otherwise. I think once we crawl up from that rocky bottom and see the sunshine again many people feel the same way. Its a whole other reason to feel guilt but what counteracts that is the new feelings of pride and accomplishment that takes its place when you put in the work to change your life course.  You are working on that, for the first time I'm reading new language from you that I've never seen before. That's amazing Chance.

Just one piece of advice (even though you aren't asking for it) in case you haven't already put this into your thoughts ON REPEAT, and I'm only saying this because it served me greatly, one of the greatest things you can give yourself is long term gratification. That shit sticks with you for the rest of your days. We used to be junkies for that quick hit, the great thing about long term gratification is that once you have the gratifying feeling, weeks could go by even years, and all you have to do is think about it and bam! you get that hit and its stronger and more satisfying than what we once thought would make us happy.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. But this is wonderful to hear.

I still have a lot of work to do but, but I am in the best place mentally and emotionally.

Thank you for sharing. That was very courageous of you.

@FL, I am glad to hear from you. Your posts always spoke to me. First off, I am deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend. I am here for any support you may need. My experience was my rock bottom and I had to get out of my environment at the time to ensure I truly face everything and get the best help possible. And your advice is much appreciated. That was actually what my meditation was about, Starting the day with Gratitude and appreciation. It does help to practice this because it helps with my negative thinking patterns. Good to hear from you.

@MrsWalloped, Thank you and I appreciate you