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I don't want divorce. I don't. but I can't stay with him. he cheated twice. And I don't see a true remorse. I hear all the right words how sorry he is & how he does not want a divorce, but I don't see a genuine feeling behind it. Perhaps my judgment is clouded by my hyper-sensitivity. I am not sure. But my gut tells me, he is not really sorry. He is sorry he got caught.

What hurts is that I have to make this decision to move forward without him. And it is hard because we planned our future together and now my life is turned 180.

I am so sad. how could I be so blind to just how narcissistic he really is. I just feel so used. and now I have to make decision about divorce because he won't do it. He says he does not want a divorce and then he went to sleep. And I am wide awake rumination on the things we discussed and his reactions.

He just wants to stay guilt free and say, "well, if that is what you want". Does anyone else have a similar experience with their WS? they don't want a divorce, claim that they love you, but they betrayed you in the worst possible way (twice)? Tell me that I am stupid. I need to hear it. I need to move on... plese tell me, this is the only way, and he does not deserve yet another chance.

I need to gather my strength to move on. Divorce sucks, I don't want it, but I have to do it...

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 8:04 AM, Monday, February 7th]

You're not stupid. You desperately wanted to believe that he is and can be different from what he's shown you he is. We've all been there. We get it. But he's already done this twice. He holds no real remorse. His words are lip service.

You need to consider whether leaving him would be much more painful than staying with him. Emotionally and mentally.

He's already shown you who he really is. You just need to believe it.

But my gut tells me, he is not really sorry. He is sorry he got caught.

They all feel that way.
My WW wasn't the least bit sorry for what she'd done to me and our family. It was all about her.

Here’s my take. Right or wrong I see your situation a bit differently.

Your H doesn’t want a D b/c that’s inconvenient for him. He loses control. He loses $. He loses his comfy lifestyle.

But yet he doesn’t choose to do ANYTHING to rectify the situation. He doesn’t appear to choose monogamy or counseling or anything to make amends or repair the damage.

He "doesn’t want a D" Those are his words.

He "doesn’t want a D" but his actions show he doesn’t CARE about you enough to stop lying and cheating. In reality I think he does WANT a D. He just doesn’t want to be the one to do anything about getting a D.

He wants to conveniently point the finger at you as the cause of the D. As in the BS divorced me mentality. He doesn’t want to "look bad".

He wants to be able to remove himself from any guilt as to why the D occurred. Typical cheater behavior BTW.

If you don’t want a D — don’t get one. But if you choose to stay with him you should not expect he will be monogamous. Or stop lying to you.

Mine wouldn't do the work, said he was sorry, even sent me a couple of selfies of himself crying. His apologies were so full of "I" statements & nothing that showed any empathy. After 18 months of trying to see if he would change, he confessed to his next attempt.

He didn't want D, but he sure wasn't showing that he was invested in the M, either. I filed the D paperwork, because he was never going to. Filed the week before our 34th wedding anniversary.

The first year apart was hard because we'd been together so long. It was tough to rework my thinking. I'll be retirement age soon, and my retirement plans are all down the tube. But that's ok. I get to make retirement plans without his negativity, without having to tiptoe around his feelings.

It's going to be ok. You're going to be ok. Read the Fear vs. Reality thread at the top of the page. Feel free to post, too.

I'm hearing you AndJustLikeThat:

Down here in D/S, you'll find lots of folks who had to do all the heavy lifting for divorce.

Mine was content to ghost me (and in my case turns out - keep on cheating) and I guess hope I got over it or ignored it or...? It was delusional and cruel. While I'm destroyed from everything, I still had to somehow figure how to untangle my life from his logistically all by myself.

He played the hiding game until the end - ignoring communications from my attorney for months - pretending like the whole thing wasn't happening. He cost me a ton of money and months of limbo playing his stupid game.

An added layer of cruelty.

In my case, I think the main reason he was happy to let me figure things out was he wouldn't have to be "the bad guy" in his own eyes. He really couldn't look in the mirror. In some kind of mental turn, it was me who left him. Me who changed things. Me who asked for a divorce. I'm the bad guy now. Poor assclown - all of this just happened to him. It's really pukey.

You're not stupid. You watched and waited and gave him a chance to own his mess, and he didn't. He wants you to go over there, sit down, and be quiet about it. Doesn't sound like that's an option for you - it wasn't for me, no matter how painful.

One of the things I told myself was this: I looked hard at what I actually had in that moment. Not what could be, what if, maybe. What did I have to work with? In my case, a whole lot of nothing. And I said, well, right now, this is what I have to do. I have to get away from this toxic. And to give myself a mental break, I'd also say - "hey, anything can change at any time and this doesn't have to be forever if he does the real work." And then I moved right on forward with what I needed to do for me.

You are braver than him. He is a coward. You know right from wrong and what reality is. You've got this. We're all here to help you navigate it. You won't be alone on the journey.

Eek.

[This message edited by Chili at 10:01 AM, February 7th (Monday)]

Sorry - the duplicate elf showed up and had a party.

[This message edited by Chili at 10:01 AM, February 7th (Monday)]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation.

I agree with the others, that your STBXWH sounds like someone who wants to blame the D on YOU. That is what he will tell people, and gain sympathy from some. He won't mention the A being the CAUSE of the D. Keep that in mind, YOU did not cause this, you are just the one taking action.

I hope you are able to find a good attorney and things go smoothly for you. As your WH doesn't seem to care enough to work on the M, hopefully he won't care enough to fight the D.

In my case, I think the main reason he was happy to let me figure things out was he wouldn't have to be "the bad guy" in his own eyes. He really couldn't look in the mirror. In some kind of mental turn, it was me who left him. Me who changed things. Me who asked for a divorce. I'm the bad guy now. Poor assclown - all of this just happened to him. It's really pukey.

This is the same in my case. My xWS believe he is the true victim and was left by his wife. I have had to do ALL of the heavy lifting with leaving the M.

Many of us who walked the D path didn't *want* to D, but we realized it was necessary. Either D or remain with someone that would likely cheat again. I spent almost 30 years with Ex. The last thing I wanted to see was my marriage end.

I pushed our D along. Exhole would have been content remaining married. Why wouldn't he? I was carrying him financially and he could continue with his double life. What's not to like (from his perspective)? The D only happened because of me doing all the work. I was fine being the bad guy as the alternative was staying with someone who was slowly sucking my soul dry. That simply was not an option for me. He destroyed our marriage. I just put it out of its legal misery.

Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it. Do what you need to do for yourself, not him.

Just know you are not alone if you decide to walk the D path. We'll walk it with you.

I completely relate to your situation. My ex said he didn't want to divorce but he wasn't willing to take responsibility for his actions or help me heal or repair the marriage. I probably would've stayed with him despite this, but as in your case, I found out he was still cheating so I didn't feel like I had any other choice.

Now, in retrospect, I am grateful that his continued betrayal gave me the clarity I needed to file and consider it his greatest act of kindness expend barely any effort to win me back. Even without the cheating, he was a toxic person to be married to and who knows how long I would've languished in misery... instead of meeting and marrying the superb man who is my husband now.

Trust me when I say that you will fall out of love with him, this pain will pass, and when you will find peace. You will realize how much of a burden you were carrying by being married to such a selfish and callous human being, and how his inability to remain faithful gave you the impetus to seek happiness without him.

Count me in this camp. No one in my family gets divorced. I loved my WXH. We had so many plans for the future and were so compatible. I had no friends. I had just lost my job. For practical reasons and for love, I didn't want to get divorced. Ultimately he claimed the same thing. Begged for me to take him back. I am 10+ years out, but am so incredibly thankful that I didn't take him back. He's shown you who he is. A cheater. He will not change, and even if he doesn't ever cheat again -- doubtful -- he has personality flaws that allow him to consider cheating an acceptable option that will come out in other negative personality traits. You will always wonder. You might contract an STD from him. When you finally divorce, possibly because he leaves you for his next AP, you will lament the extra years you wasted on him.

Start living the life now that you should have been living all along. With good, honest, faithful people who have your back and would never betray you. Heal yourself, become a whole, happy, single person, and if it's what you want, find a new partner who would never even consider betraying you.

I say this with the benefit of hindsight; I remember how hard those initial steps were. But my life is exponentially better in every single aspect now than it was when I was with my WXH. I hardly recognize the shell of a person I was back then. You deserve so much more. You've got this.