Same here. Went through several IC's (and MC's) and had to just keep trying until we found the right one.
I'd like to offer some personal advice however, not everyone may agree with it, so do with it what you will.
I suggest that you find an IC to work on YOUR issues. NOT the marriage. Not the affair. At least, not directly.
I know it's tempting to want to "jump to the end of the book and see how it ends" when we consider therapy. We want the therapist to tell us what we need to do in order to improve or save the marriage, but that's just not how it works.
Reconciliation after infidelity is hard even under the best of circumstances, but it's impossible if the people involved aren't in an emotionally stable and healthy frame of mind.
I spent years in therapy. We looked at the ways/whys of how I respond to and deal with conflict. We looked at my non-existent self-respect and figured out why I had such low self-esteem, what caused it, what triggers it, what enforces it, and how did I use it to keep myself stuck in grief, and why it scared me to NOT feel that way. We examined how I form relationships, and if those relationships were based on healthy or harmful factors. We discussed how I put my wife into a "mother role" and how that affected how I saw her, treated her, and what I expected from her. We looked at my history of shame, where that began and how it affects me, and came up with strategies to help overcome that fear and shame. We dug deep into why I live my life feeling like a victim and living in a needy way where all my value was obtained from others. We dealt with heavy issues of childhood abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, bullying, and the many long-term after-effects of my very broken family life and school life. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I've said it before and will so again... affairs do not begin the day the WS cheats on their spouse. That's the END of the story, it's the outcome of everything that came before then. If you want to understand why and how the outcome came to pass in the way that it did, then you need to start at the beginning, and that... all happened BEFORE you ever cheated, maybe before you even married.
A good IC, in my opinion, will recognize this and help you address it.
Fix YOURSELF first. Don't worry about the marriage for now, because you're in no shape to deal with it in a healthy and supportive way. Go get healthy. Then, when the shame is manageable, and when the empathy returns, and you have clear, healthy boundaries, and tools for dealing with stress and grief and conflict... THEN you can work on the marriage.
Just my 2 cents.
