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So about a week and a half ago is when I found out that my STBX had been cheating on me, the divorce and separation were already in process and when brought the kids back the next day I'd decided to keep it in my back pocket and not let her know I was aware. She's expressed desire multiple times to come over to the house to spend time with the kids, water her plants or any other number of things. I've tried to avoid direct confrontation, I don't want her in the house, if she wants to see the kids for a few hours outside of the weekend she can take them somehwere (after I informed her the last time she'd have to their homework with them she was less interested). The wound is still fresh and I don't want to push to much till papers are signed, but feel like i'm being to much of a pushover. Advice or book recommendations for setting boundaries?

How far along are you in the divorce / separation? Have you retained an attorney? Is there a written agreement in effect governing the separation and custody of the children?

A lot of what you can and/or can't do may be limited by law, so definitely consult your attorney. For example in many jurisdictions, I gather one cannot just change the locks on the marital home in order to exclude the spouse, as it is still legally their home, too. You need to find out what the law is where you live.

Stick to the letter of any custody agreement that is in place, and if there is none, then get one set up with the advice of your attorney ASAP. But don't use the kids as pawns, do what is best for *them*.

The initial papers were signed almost exactly 3 weeks ago. She's moved out about a week before then, the home is not owned by either of us, it's my parents old house and they still own it. I have an attorney already. There's no written agreement on the custody at the moment and I don't feel i'm using the kids as pawns, i've told her numerous times she's free to call/skype the kids any time she wants, she hasn't the entire she's been gone. She asked several times about coming to the house to spend time with the kids, and I don't have an issue aside from the come to the house part. She's left multiple things at the house that she wants me to take care of, watering/tending to her plants, taking care of her fish, making sure her bird feeders are full. I work full time in an extremely short staffed medical field and i'm burning the candle at both ends, when she has come by (before I found out she'd been cheating) I get lectured on how i'm not taking care of her things. My mother is going to be starting chemo in the next week or two and she's sending her messages asking why she's not being overly friendly to her anymore and trying to guilt trip her about issues she's having. The kids are not pawns, the house was never hers, and I need her to stop assuming she's allowed to waltz into the house and shit on everybody and everything like it's owed to her. Unfortunately I need to do this without setting her off and complicating things, i've got about 40 days till this can be finalized and she can get half of my retirement and piss it away; and I want to make sure that's as far as it goes and as much as she gets.

Why didn't she take her plants, fish, and bird-feeders with her when she moved out? Is there more of her stuff in the house? What's her plan for all of that? If you don't want to tell her to get it all out now, so as not to piss her off before the D is finalized, then I guess it's on you to take at least some care of her things for her (unless you are willing to let her back in to the house to do it herself, which it sounds like you are not...).

The thing with boundaries is that they are really for us, moreso than for the other person -- we can't control what the other person does, but we can set limits for ourselves about what we are willing to tolerate, and we then have to decide what consequences we are willing to impose should the other person's behavior exceed the boundary threshold. You're caught in a difficult place because you're afraid that imposing consequences could negatively impact your divorce settlement...

Sorry about the children as pawns comment, I didn't mean to imply that you were doing that, rather it was a general comment about trying to avoid either party trying to create such a situation.

I’m sorry, your WW has put you through hell for far too long. She withheld sex under false premises for years. She’s been light years ahead of you. She bragged to others about divorcing you and taking everything you have. She is having an A and is perfectly capable of having sex when she wants to. She moved out and still she calls you to sob about her hurt toe and to seek sympathy, and ask for favors and you give her money.

You operate out of fear that she will take more than half of your retirement savings. Don’t rock the boat. All of this has to be so hard to stomach. First, you can’t change the past. Limit your contact. When you talk become a gray rock. Do not engage. You need to limit your emotional investment.

Does your attorney have a strategy to limit your exposure. Are you documenting her neglect of her children. Let me guess: your WW is really worried about appearances and how she looks. Do you have a bargaining chip to make her go away quietly with the videos and photos in your possession?

You need to feel in control. Get together with your attorney and have a strategy. Your WW thinks she can continue to run you as she pleases. Do you think her attitude will change after D? Maximize your strengths. Stop dealing with her. I would get all of her crap out of the house to a neutral spot. Perhaps that’s not possible, but it’s not your job to take care of her plants. Good luck.

Don’t tell her you know anything. Talk to your atty. Adultery does matter in some states-SC it matters a lot. Not sure what state you are in. I did not confront my ws, he had already moved out, too. I decided 2 can have a secret. It’s going to be funnier if she’s lied to her atty and your atty shows him photos that she lying.

After I had him served then I confronted him, but he was all about damage control as he didn’t was her BS to find out. .. Try to just start untangling yourself from her craziness. I made a decision to not talk to my xh and I refuse to speak to the ow/now wifetress. At first they didn’t notice, but now they try to get me to argue, even driving down my street. It’s pathetic.

Do you remember how calm Sandra Bullock was when she found out about her H cheating? She was my role model. She refused to speak to her WS and it drove him crazy.

About visitation-My atty had me get a piece of paper and number 1-31 down the left side for day of the month. Next to that write down if she got the kids or even called and for how long. It showed how much my ws did not really care about seeing our children (when it was time to discuss visitation.)

Yes, you need to be enforcing boundaries correctly and properly. This is going to be touchy because you have an on-going divorce. Some comments:

She's moved out about a week before then, the home is not owned by either of us, it's my parents old house and they still own it. I have an attorney already.

If she voluntarily moved out and it is not her property, then I am guessing that you can refuse to allow her into your house. I would consult your attorney about this, though, because keeping an ex-spouse out of her home and away from her kids will not look good for you.

There's no written agreement on the custody at the moment and I don't feel i'm using the kids as pawns, i've told her numerous times she's free to call/skype the kids any time she wants, she hasn't the entire she's been gone. She asked several times about coming to the house to spend time with the kids, and I don't have an issue aside from the come to the house part.

I would encourage you to establish a parenting time schedule for your kids. Can the kids stay with her where she is living?

Something to remember... as awful as you feel right now, your kids are probably feeling worse. You must take care of them and their emotional needs. Their entire life view is of mom and dad... which is breaking up right now. It gets even worse if they see mom or dad with another romantic partner (so don't do that!).

That said, I would consult your attorney, but I don't see why you should be forced to have her into your home to spend time with your (collective your) kids. She can take them elsewhere for her parenting time.

She's left multiple things at the house that she wants me to take care of, watering/tending to her plants, taking care of her fish, making sure her bird feeders are full.

Here is a good topic of focusing on your boundaries. If you do not want to voluntarily take on these responsibilities, then she needs to take them out of the house... or you can just get rid of them (although that might seem cruel).

I work full time in an extremely short staffed medical field and i'm burning the candle at both ends, when she has come by (before I found out she'd been cheating) I get lectured on how i'm not taking care of her things.

You no longer need to listen to her criticism of you. You can ignore what she is saying. Her opinions are no longer your concern.

My mother is going to be starting chemo in the next week or two and she's sending her messages asking why she's not being overly friendly to her anymore and trying to guilt trip her about issues she's having.

Your mother can simply block all communication with your ex. That should be easy enough.

Alternatively, I would encourage your mother to continue the dialogue to an extent because you could potentially use comments made by your ex to your mother in your divorce negotiations. Conversely, your mother is not part of the divorce proceeding, so not much of what she says or does would be pertinent to your divorce. So, that's a low risk, high reward situation... so I'd encourage your mother to be civil and to not delete any text messages.

The kids are not pawns, the house was never hers, and I need her to stop assuming she's allowed to waltz into the house and shit on everybody and everything like it's owed to her. Unfortunately I need to do this without setting her off and complicating things, i've got about 40 days till this can be finalized and she can get half of my retirement and piss it away; and I want to make sure that's as far as it goes and as much as she gets.

This is another approach. Just suffer through the situation and hope it stays calm until its over. That's a totally valid approach. However, I wouldn't let her into your home if you don't want her to be in the house.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 2:10 PM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

The "Boundaries" series by Cloud and Townsend has a number of books based on setting healthy barriers with other people. I'm sorry you are going through this. It cannot be easy. My counselor also helped me learn how to set healthy boundaries. If you haven't worked with one before, I recommend it. Hang in there!

It seems there are some simple boundaries you could establish right now.

You will not be taking care of her plants or bird feeders. She is free to take them if she'd like. It's that simple. No.

If she rants you're best bet is to ignore. What difference does her anger over plants make in your life? None. More importantly, who does she think she is bossing you around like a manservant? Since you want to keep things civil for the divorce, your response to any rants should be grey rock. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but here we are." Blank stare. Move on.

The only control she is has is the control you give her. Plants and bird feeders? GMAFB.

Next you could tell her that your attorney recommends communication be only about children and finances and via text or email. Again, there is no arguing here. It's how it is and will be.

I'd also consult with the attorney about keeping her out of the house. Since neither of you own it I'd think it would be ok to keep her out but check with counsel. In the mean time, hold firm on the boundary you have set - she can see the children anytime, just not in your home.

You lose when you get angry, when you sink to her level or when you cave to her demands. Set these few boundaries and hold firm. She really has gall man. Don't react to it other than to say no and keep moving forward.