SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted here as this relates to the separation period between my husband and I following my D_Day.

I read articles on situationship relationships. It is a curious definition. It makes me question the superficiality of my husband, while he was living apart from me with his OW three years ago. We have since re-united.

I feel it may help explain what some WS’s go through when they have detached from their spouses and have attached themselves to their OW. It clarified and validated that this, was a far from a perfect union that my husband believed it to be at first.

And unless this kind of relationship changes and evolves with firm commitments, it is bound to fail eventually. It may fail within three months, as in my husband’s case or it may last years. I can’t speak for the OW. But I can speak for my husband’s answers to my questions and boundaries once we re-united.

The following are some descriptions from an article called What is a Situationship online: I picked the ones I can more or less relate to my husband during his living arrangements with the OW.

I recognize that each separation is different. But it sure lit light bulbs in my mind!

The relationship is undefined: You and your partner may not have had the "What are we?" conversation, to define the relationship, set expectations, and outline boundaries. It may feel too early to have the conversation, or you may not feel comfortable bringing it up.

There’s no mention of the future: People who are in a relationship may plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s going to an event in the near future or longer term plans to settle down and have a family. In a situationship, there’s typically no discussion of the future.

The connection is superficial: Though you and your partner may spend time together, or may even be intimate with each other, you may not have developed a deep emotional connection. The conversation may be superficial and you may notice that your partner never asks you personal questions,

The relationship is based on convenience: You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other; instead, you may tend to make spur of the moment plans based on convenience, if you have a gap in your schedule or if something else doesn’t work out, for instance.

People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want the emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way. They can have emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.

Both parties may not be honest about what they want out of the arrangement. Typically, one person is content with the casual aspect of the relationship, while the other is hoping that it might turn into something more. 

The mental health impact can be immense for the person wanting more as they may begin to conflate their sense of self-worth with gaining the approval of the other person. 


Additionally, because situationships tend to be superficial, the partner wanting more usually does not know the other person well, which causes them to idealize their partner, and in turn devalue themselves. 

The article helped me understand the dynamics that may have been present to some degree in their seemingly "perfect" arrangement once he abandoned me for her.

I believed at that time, that she was perfect for him. I had lost all respect I had for this man that I was with for 40 years and I believed at the time, that they deserved one another.

Bottom line, their relationship was far removed from the perfect image and story I had created in my mind. The way I see it, It actually sounds pretty awful to live like that.

So three years later, this definition validated some of our conversations about the time he was living with his OW( not the affair) and explained my husband’s mindset at the time he wanted me to take him back with remorse, shame, apologies, contritions and all.

[This message edited by Notaboringwife at 1:17 PM, Monday, May 30th]

Interesting… I think that term situationship really fits.

Interesting article.

On another blog a guy write about his brother who cheated on his wife (OW was a co-worker), got a D and married the OW.

His life became a living hell of his own making.

His kids (young adults at the time of the D) despised the OW but were superficially nice b/c she threw $ at them. She wanted to play "super stepmom" but that wasn’t going to happen. The step-kids tolerated her.

The H spent six figures in the OW’s plastic surgery that she had to have to maintain her "trophy wife" appearance. She never felt secure in the marriage b/c she knew what her H was capable of.

They both had drinking problems. The OW now wife more than her cheating H — but they had serious problems in that department.

It was obvious the H was MISERABLE! Everyone could see it - even his kids.

But there was NO WAY the cheating H was going to admit he made a mistake. He did everything he could to convince the world that he was happy happy happy and that D his 1st wife and marrying his 2nd wife was the best decision ever.

Sometimes people will stick with a bad choice out of ego and pride. They will remain in the bad relationship b/c they will never admit they were wrong.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:42 PM, Monday, May 30th]

I read another post here a little while ago about something called "the fog". It looked like some people agreed with the existence of a fog and some doesn't. I'm not sure yet if I believe that there is something like that or not.

I guess someone might not be able to visualize beforehand if a relationship can be good or not, but in my opinion there are always signs and ways to sort of predict based on facts. You just have to think a little.

For example, when I found out about my WH emotional affair with his co-worker I immediately thought of several questions to ask about the future of their relationship. If he asked himself these questions it would be clear that a real commitment with this woman will not work and still he is pursuing this and I can't understand for the life of me why, except that it is this fog thing. Or perhaps you can call it infatuation.

In my WH case for instance, he does not want more children, he made this decision based on his situation with his own children, he already has enough on his plate and struggles a lot but the OW has at least 2 small children that he would have to become a step father and be extremely involved. She was a stay of home mom, before her divorce she didn't work, her husband took care of her financially, now that she is divorced she works part time and lives with her mom. She is clearly looking for man that takes care of her (and her children) financially and I know my WH doesn't want a woman that is not independent financially. He not only doesn't have the means to do that but I know he is not the type of man that would be ok with that.

Not to mention all of his awful past and secrets. I asked him several time. Are you going to be honest with her, come clean and tell her everything about you and you past? Because a real commitment would require that. Obviously he be won't because if he does she will run.

So anyway, in my opinion it is kind of obvious that these relationships don't have a future most of the time but still they seem to believe there is like they judgement is affected by something.

[This message edited by papoula at 12:14 PM, Wednesday, June 1st]

Papoul you raise some interesting points.

You are aware of what your H wants and doesn’t want in life.

I thought I knew my H too.

His OW was 29 and a drama Queen. Her poor life blah blah blah. And……she was covered in tattoos. Neck, chest, arms, legs, boobs etc. Her clothing style would best be described as "too sizes too small and the boobs have to hang out of every shirt she owns".

I would have bet $1mil my H would never go for the trashy type. Yet he was planning to D me for the OW.

Also he thought he was going to take her to corporate events and parade her around his Fortune 500 coworkers and they would be okay with that. I’m certain they would also be laughing behind his back too.

In any event the point is you think you know someone. Until they become a cheater and it appears everything you know goes out the window.

The1stWife you are right. Even though sometimes we think we know someone we might not.

But in the case on my WH let's say he decides to marry her, buy a bigger house to fit her and her children. Let's say everything goes well for them.

I doubt he will come clean about his dirty past. He has cheated on me multiple times before. I'm sure he hasn't disclosed any of that to her. He has some pretty bad secrets that he can hide from her but to be in a real honest relationship he would have to disclose all to her. How is that going to work? He knows she will run the minute she learns who he really is so he will continue to lie. But she will find out eventually and then what? That's the fog part I'm talking about.

[This message edited by papoula at 6:40 PM, Wednesday, June 1st]

The article helped me understand the dynamics that may have been present to some degree in their seemingly "perfect" arrangement once he abandoned me for her.

You shared a new label for uncommitted relationships, but when you're with a cheater, they aren't really committed to you and often do some of the behaviors described above. They turn their marriage into a "situationship", in which one partner (BS) is committed and the other (WS) is not. Asymmetry of commitment always stinks, whether you're married or not.

I doubt he will come clean about his dirty past. He has cheated on me multiple times before. I'm sure he hasn't disclosed any of that to her. He has some pretty bad secrets that he can hide from her but to be in a real honest relationship he would have to disclose all to her. How is that going to work? He knows she will run the minute she learns who he really is so he will continue to lie. But she will find out eventually and then what? That's the fog part I'm talking about.

He won't tell her anything negative about himself that she doesn't already know. And she wouldn't believe you if you tried to tell her. That's the way new relationships work. Your heart gives you faith in the other person. They do not usually find out about the partner's true past- they aren't detectives. My ex has lied on end to his new wife. I even called him once needing to talk to him about a crisis with our son, and she wouldn't hand over the call (I suspect he was drunk) said, "You yelled at him and that's not okay." That never happened, he'd fed her a typical narc lie. I just handled the crisis myself and have stopped asking his input for critical decisions about my son. And he seems just fine with that. He's obviously not deeply invested in our child.

With ex-WW's, you just have to get yourself to the stage where you think, "Whatever, I'm just glad he's out of my life." Whether or not it ends up being a permanent relationship with the AP (that can go either way), whether or not he tells the AP the truth about his life (he won't), it just can't matter to you anymore. You have to really move on to not caring.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:51 PM, Wednesday, June 8th]