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Anyone delt with these people?

My sister and her husband are harassing me saying I am after my moms money. 🙄 they called the cops yesterday and i think adult services will be at my door tomorrow.

Mom is 85 and has beginning/ moderate dementia. As in, she remembers everything from 80- 20 years ago, but day to day is hard to keep straigt.

She has been visiting me a lot since my two sisters took away her car keys and said she cant drive anymore. One just went into he purse and took the keys and hid them. When mom tried to find them, sis said, i took them. You cant drive anymore .

That crushed my mom. She was just driving in a small midwestern town on Sunday to see my dad at the cemetery and get coffee. She was not driving i Manhattan at 5 pm.

My sister who is calling cops on me lives in a different state, 1800 miles away, and is jealous because I have the only grandkids.

Truth is. I bust my ass taking care of our mom. Accupuncture, coffee out (that I pay for after sisters said i was draining moms accounts) dinners out, i drove her to see the Gateway Arch last summer bc she said shed never been. That is several states away. I took her on a hot air balloon. I have done other fun things... keep her young.

I WISH i had help from them. But now I have people actively against me? What will they do w mu mom if there is an issue? These people will come pick her up where i am?? Lol? Not these lazy asses.

I am
So sad

I think you will be fine. If they (adult protective services) come, they will see you mom is bathed, wearing clean clothing, well fed and cared for.

Did your mom or your sister tell you about your mom's car keys? When my grandmother started with dementia she would get things confused. She gave up her car but told us our aunt stole it. We all knew that was not true but she kept telling that story over and over. My aunt was actually very loving and took very good care of her when she stayed with her.

I think it is very common with dementia to have good long term memory but struggle with short term memory. Dementia can also change people's personalities. My grandmother was very sweet and mild mannered. Accusing my aunt of stealing her car was very out of character for her.

I would recommend keeping records with receipts when handling her money. That's what my H and I did when we took care of my fil and had to handle his finances. We kept detailed records of everything with receipts so if anybody wanted to question something there wouldn't be any problem.

Sorry your sister and her H are adding unnecessary stress to your life.

Aren't you going on a trip with these awful people????

I believe you are unwilling to go no contact with people who treat you horribly, even taking trips with them (your sis has been awful for a long time) so I am not sure how to help. You must avoid and ignore people who disrespect you:

WS

In laws

Immediate family

I would never, ever take a trip with relatives who treat me the way your sis and BIL treat you. I would not take their calls, receive any texts, or open any emails. Period. Deal with your mom in the wonderful way you always do and block, block, block your sister.

P.S. Your mom is allowed to do with and spend whatever she wants however she wants.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:02 AM, Monday, July 11th]

Sad????
Why are you sad and not angry?

Owning it Now- sis and bil were supposed to go on the trip. They flaked out in March, there were toms of emails about how i would get the whole family stranded.

You see, trip was planned before i had my now almost 3 year old. So he is not allowed under normal circumstances to go on the bus tour as he is not old enough. I always said hey, i dont want to do the bus tour ANYWAY, so baby and I will stay in city A and wait for you all to return after your bus tour (it would be 2 days alone, and theb they get brought back in the bus to city A)

Sis says you are going to get us all stranded! I email back, no, baby and I will stay in city A. You guys go on the tour wo us.

They wither are idiots and dont get it, or are just emailing back "you are going to get us all stranded!" To get an out for not going. Also, whats this ALL stranded? I royally eff up... so I stay behind with baby and they go. I dont understand their reasoning.

They also said i didn't have a passport for baby... which i did... and i sent a picture of it. They said I photoshopped it. I said while im tickled that you think so highly of my web design skills I can assure you that this is not photoshopped.

So many others that i tried to not respond to because I thought I could keep tge relationship, however, when I realized hey, they REALLY ARENT going?!? I did answer some old ones

So no. They are not going

And yes, the thing w the keys did happen. My sister who took the keys was dismissive and said its not like she would have remembered the conversation if I told her before anyway

Sounds like you will have a much better time on your trip without your sister. Accusing you of photo shopping a passport and getting everyone stranded. Who needs that on vacation!?

Hiding your mom's car keys and blaming you was also a pretty crappy thing to do.

Can you cut off contact with her?

APS looks at a number of things before deciding to take any action. You will more than likely get a call vs a visit. Like everyone else they are strapped for people to evaluate and intervene in truly dangerous situations.
Unfortunately in my line of work I have to report situations from time to time. It all has to with safety and abuse. So if there is no outward sign of neglect or danger for your mom they aren't going to open a case. Mom still lives alone? Able to bath, feed, and care for self day to day, and take her meds? You get her groceries, and take her for her necessary running. Not seeing any problem there, and someone reporting out of state as hearsay is often deemed as that hearsay.

I would encourage you to start planning for mom now. Signs on doors, microwaves etc to keep her safe. Work with the Alzheimer's association and start planning next steps, who is the decision maker when she can't make decisions for herself. What happens when she isn't safe at home anymore. Can she afford memory care, or assisted living, and if so where would she like be? Start this process now, don't wait until it's an emergency. Because the outcomes of being successful drop off significantly if you are forced into these decisions because of a fall w/a head injury, or broken bone. I see it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. As a daughter of a mom with Alzheimer’s, let me know if you need to chat. I have info, ideas, what we have seen, etc…

Also, you’ll be ok. Be straightforward with the police and APS. Also, is there a POA on file? If not, get court control asap to make sure your mom and you are ok. Sadly, death and dying bring out the vultures. Protect her and you now! Often times those threatening are the ones trying to steal, so watch the sister close. My oldest brother is POA but we all get along. My dad threatened to haunt all of us if we didn’t. Let me know if you need ideas, support, or a venting post…

[This message edited by deena04 at 2:18 PM, Monday, July 11th]

"Sadly, death and dying bring out the vultures."

Unfortunately this is very true.

They say that I am the vulture... i tell my mom she made a buck or two in life, spend it!! Dont leave it to us!

I want her to have fun and enjoy these years.

Middle sis (the one who said i was getting everyone stranded) says that I am draining her accounts .

I am searching for reasons why she thinks this and I absolutely wont let mom use her cc now - i pay for all treats and dinners and coffees and museum entrances, etc... but still i get the you are stealing from mom.

And what if I am the problem?

My inlaws hate me my sisters hate me my next door neighbor hates me... why ? I try to be a good person? Do evil People know they are evil? Maybe i am an asshole and just unaware?

I hate it when people assume age equals inability. Yes – we lose some abilities, but I’m guessing your mom can still manage a lot more than your sisters seem to give her credit for.

IMHO the driving can be justified, and I don’t see that as evil. Even small Midwestern towns have kids playing near the streets. IMHO you could suggest your mom get’s a doctor’s confirmation that she’s still capable of driving, and if she is then she could get a new key from the dealer.

I had a hard time getting my mom to quit driving (at 85). She did agree to use taxi’s and Uber if she went out of a certain zone and if the weather wasn’t ideal, but drove within our neighborhood and to the nearest store until her final days. It’s a great loss of independence for most people.

Do you have access to your mom’s accounts? Do you have some proxy-access or can you legally manage her money?
When she passes away, will she be leaving some significant funds or assets?
Does she have a will?
If her dementia progresses, do you guys have any long-term care lined up? Is she insured?

I would want all these factors addressed if I were in your shoes. I would also carefully note any money she gives you or spends on anything concerning or involving you.

I tend to be a direct type of person. I would ask your sisters why they think you are draining your mom’s funds, what funds, what they think the funds are and – frankly – why your mom’s finances are their business.
My parents were well off. When my dad passed away my mom got a bit defensive regarding our inheritance and to my siblings credit, we jointly told her that we saw this as HER money and HER assets. She could do what she wanted, and it was of no concern to us. In fact we encouraged her to use her money for herself. Once she passed we were surprised to find out that the assets were less than we expected, and not because of any mismanagement. We simply thought they were better off than they were. I think that’s quite common. I’m thinking your sisters think mom will leave behind enough for them to pay their mortgage and take a cruise.

G - you are not an evil person, your neighbours don't hate you and neither do your family. You are a good, conscientious, caring person. And good, caring people can be sensitive. We worry if we do enough if we offend people, what they think of us, why they are nasty to us. And partly it is because we are too nice, don't have firm boundaries, and give a fig about others. Do you. You are doing your best. It's enough. Turn down the noise of other people.

Plus - what Tushnurse said. I worked supporting unpaid carers, and the amount of family members who have no role in caring who report the actual carer to safeguarding is astonishing. They quickly prioritise and have heard it all before - your Mum is well cared for - but they have a duty of care to investigate.

She is spot on that you need to do some advance planning with your Mum - I did this with my Mum and had UK power of attorney - For her health and social care, and finances - I'm sure US has similar. It means at a certain stage, you can pay her bills etc, plus advocate for her wishes with social workers and health care. So worth it, especially if you have siblings with differing views. And as Mums condition is probably progressive. I controlled Mums finances, at first in conjunction with her and latterly solely. It's the only way we could practically pay the bills - don't wait till it's too late and your Mum loses the capacity to make decisions in the legal sense - it's a bloody nightmare.

As for the siblings - they are probably clueless about the actual situation, because they are remote. They feel guilt because they aren't caring. It doesn't dawn on them that if you take Mum out for coffee 3 times a week, or to the cinema, that it's legitimate she pays a proportion.

Now when people are nasty to me, I step back and think - what's their motivation? It's never about YOU. It's always about THEM.

Now when people are nasty to me, I step back and think - what's their motivation? It's never about YOU. It's always about THEM.

100%!!!!!!

Sorry that you are going through this with your family Gotta. Unfortunately, this happens a lot in families with dementia parent(s).

Okay, first thing first: Does she have an official medical diagnosis from her PCP? If she is early stages then is she on some type of medication to slow down the progression such as Aricept, Namenda, or Exelon?

If she is still capable of making decisions regarding her care and finances then she needs to get her affairs in order for when she can't make those choices such as a living will, DNR, POA (medical and financial).

This is an area where you are definitely are going to have issues with your sisters but your mother needs to name someone in charge of her care and finances. If this waits till after the dementia progresses, then you have to apply for guardianship.

Join a support group. This will be a huge help to you.

I understand taking the car keys, even in a small midwestern town, UTI's and constipation can increase confusion in someone that already has some confusion from dementia. It's better to be safe then sorry.