SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 21 years recently stayed late at work and ended up drinking and making out with a coworker. She came home, immediately told me and we talked about it over the next week for 12 hours a day. Reading and listening to infidelity books and online articles, we are now seeking couples and individual counseling to try to move forward. I am comfortable with all the facts, ( one time make out) and I think I am ready to forgive the mistake. She immediately quit her job and we are leaving this city for good in a few months. Is it normal to see visions, feel widely insecure? Am I overreacting, she’s been feeling utter shame and remorse? Does the pain stop or is this the new reality? So sorry to ramble. One minute I feel this is fixable and the next I feel so lost? Any advice would really help me.

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you had to find us. First thing to understand is that her boundaries didn’t fall this particular time. There were other boundary pushes that led to this. She flirted with the slippery slope and it got her. It probably started with flirting and good vibes between them. This makes it not a mistake, it was a deliberate boundary push and she needs to get to the whys.

The good news for you is she confessed and feels remorseful about it. She needs to provide a written timeline, including when the flirting and or feelings started.

Best Wishes to you

Glad you're here but sorry you need to be. I agree with Tanner. You need a detailed time-line and your WW needs to dig deep. Also, you may want to post this in the JFO section. I think you'll get a lot more valuable advice there.

So..dday was a week ago?

Some things are missing here. Women don't tend to get drunk and suddenly make out with a man they've known. There is usually a flirtation, at the very least,leading up to making out.

Have you done any investigation, to verify what she's said? Has she been transparent with her phone,email,and online accounts? Was there a number she was in contact with,quite a bit?

Stop the couples counseling. The marriage didn't cheat. She did. She needs IC to figure out why she allowed herself to cross these boundaries. It has NOTHING to do with you,or the marriage.

She cheated. Cheaters lie. Therefore she should be tested for stds.

This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is grabbing skim milk,when you meant to grab 2%. This was a choice. Several choices.

It's way to soon to forgive. You don't even know if you have the truth.

Understand, this isn't yours to fix. This is on her.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

You should make some requirements for attempting to reconcile. They should be,at minimum..

Full transparency

You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Std testing.

She answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness

.and no blame.

She stops drinking alcohol.

She sends a no contact message to OM,and blocks him.

IC to figure out why she cheated.

Your job is to take care of yourself, and watch her actions. And contact the other man's wife,and let her know. She deserves the truth.

You sound like you are in a hurry to rugsweep. Don't do that. It will come back to haunt you. It also teaches her that this really isn't too bad. And it is.

Also, it's possible this happened just as she's said. However, an immediate confession, full truth,and immediate true remorse is extremely rare. It's possible she confessed because someone saw them, or his wife found out. Whose idea was it to move away so quickly? That sounds like she is wanting to run,and get you away from there, in hopes of keeping you from finding out the rest.

A polygraph would eliminate these questions. They're used often,when there's been infidelity.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:03 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

My wife of 21 years recently stayed late at work and ended up drinking and making out with a coworker. She came home, immediately told me and we talked about it over the next week for 12 hours a day. Reading and listening to infidelity books and online articles, we are now seeking couples and individual counseling to try to move forward. I am comfortable with all the facts, ( one time make out) and I think I am ready to forgive the mistake. She immediately quit her job and we are leaving this city for good in a few months. Is it normal to see visions, feel widely insecure? Am I overreacting, she’s been feeling utter shame and remorse? Does the pain stop or is this the new reality? So sorry to ramble. One minute I feel this is fixable and the next I feel so lost? Any advice would really help me.

Has she given you a timeline about her interactions with this guy? This was not a mistake as you put it. A mistake is tossing a new red shirt in the wash with the light colors and having all your white clothes come out pink. Adults with physical access to each other don't usually stop at making out. Perhaps there was a physical time limitation or something that prevented actual sex acts to be performed but if she stayed late at work and no one else was around anything could've happened and maybe the drinking was her way of dealing with what she had done.

In no way would I be so quick to forgive until you have a much more full picture. There were hundreds to thousands of choices she made over the course of weeks/months that lead to this supposed event. She has taken some good steps to leave the job and I assume go No Contact with this guy. You can leave the city and never go back, but your wife's wayward thinking doesn't stay behind, it comes with her if she doesn't get into therapy and work on why her stated values of fidelity have a conditionality to them that allows her to cheat if given the right circumstances whereas yours do not. Who is to say that next time she feels resentment towards you for say, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, that she doesn't go out to seek out some other companion?

Is it normal to see visions, feel widely insecure? Am I overreacting, she’s been feeling utter shame and remorse? Does the pain stop or is this the new reality?

Yes, "mind-movies" are all too normal and frequent. As for feeling widely insecure, well... brother, in nearly seven years as a member here, I've never ceased to be amazed at just how hard and how deeply infidelity hits most folks. As one member once wrote: "It hit me in my DNA."

And no, you're not overreacting.

The pain eventually ebbs, although it can take years. One of the things I've learned while surviving infidelity is that healing is a choice. It's not a one-off decision. We don't just declare ourselves healed and be done with it. Healing involves daily choices, being mindful of our thoughts and feelings, seeking help when needed, and perhaps most importantly, being kind and gentle with ourselves.

The "new normal" takes time to both understand and accept. I don't think I felt anything close to "normal" for first ten months after d-day. Some recover quicker, others take longer, for a whole variety of reasons.

Take some time a check out The Healing Library. There's a link at the top of the page. Inside the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of great essays written by veteran SI members.

As for your wife's drunken make-out session... I certainly hope for your sake that you have the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It's entirely possible. However, I think you'll find that most members are apt to be a little skeptical, not because we're cynical, but because experience has taught us otherwise.

The first thing that my XWW said to me when I confronted her with the text messages, I'd just read on her phone, was: "I made out with someone." Unfortunately, that wasn't all she did.

...I think I am ready to forgive the mistake.

Infidelity isn't a mistake; it's a choice.

Hi Rscott8843,

Welcome to SI. I’m sorry that you find yourself here but you’ve come to the right place.

Is it normal to see visions, feel widely insecure? Am I overreacting, she’s been feeling utter shame and remorse? Does the pain stop or is this the new reality? So sorry to ramble. One minute I feel this is fixable and the next I feel so lost?

All of this is a perfectly normal reaction to learning of your spouse’s infidelity. It’s an incredibly traumatic and you’re not overreacting at all. Eventually the pain will subside, but it’s likely your new reality for a while at least.

It sounds like your wife is doing most of the right things right now, though I imagine it’s not much of a comfort to you. I agree with others that this is likely something that’s been quietly building rather than a totally out of the blue occurrence. I encourage you both to read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. It’s a super practical step-by-step guide to understanding how and why cheating happens and how to recover and heal from it.

It’s not as simple as reading a book though. Healing from this is a long, arduous and humbling process. Lean on us and the resources and people here to help you through it. I promise you it will eventually get better.