Hello Diva19
I am sorry you have had to find this site. Please know it is the best place you could have chosen to voice your pain as a result of infidelity, and the best place to come for guidance. I have been a member for almost 8 years. The members here are some of the wisest and kindest souls anywhere.
First, there is a plethora of good information for you in the Healing Library (please look at the top of the page). Take full advantage of the resources available there.
Next, take care of yourself. Get tested for STDs asap. He must do this also. Drink, eat what you can. Be kind to yourself. Infidelity is a trauma. It is a form of abuse. You may need to see a doctor for medications to help you with anxiety or sleep.
TBH, you are absolutely right to have doubts. Cheaters lie. They lie to cover their own butts, they lie because they have no integrity, they lie because it is a habit or a coping mechanism, etc., etc. They all lie. It is part of a pattern of behavior from what we call the "Cheater's Handbook". This means that all cheaters share certain characteristics and behaviors. The first and most damaging of these in my opinion is dishonesty.
Nothing that you did or did not do caused your husband to engage in emotional cheating and then choose to go to a hotel and have sex with another woman. Blaming your marriage or you personally is part of the pattern of behavior I was talking about previously. It is called "blame-shifting", and cheaters do this to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Gently, your husband wanted to have sex or he would not have gone to a hotel. Adults do not go to hotels to have discussions. They go to hotels to have sex. The "if it truly happened" comment is an attempt at minimizing (also a common behavior) his actions. He went to meet a woman AT A HOTEL. He did not go to a bar, get stone drunk and THEN go to a hotel. He met her at a hotel. This shows clear intent for sexual contact. TBH, I wonder why he is telling you about this? Is the OW married? Was the betrayed partner going to tell you? Was the OW going to tell you? Cheaters often "come clean" because there is imminent exposure.
Please be ready for more information to come out. Cheaters minimize their cheating to save themselves. They usually only admit to a small part of their infidelity or what can be proven by the BS. Over time, you will discover more about the infidelity and he will tell a little more, then a little more....This is called "trickle truth". It is misery, pure and simple, and often causes the end of a relationship because it puts the BS through trauma every time more information is disclosed. It is important for your husband to understand this right now.
Gently, if your husband was truly taking responsibility for his actions, he would not be blaming you or lying about his intent. The reason you will not know the true story is because he does not want to tell you. Even if he WAS too drunk to remember what happened sexually (and this is most likely BS), he planned a meeting at a hotel with a woman he was having an emotional affair with. C'mon now. Another common trait that cheaters share is their attempts at manipulation and the assumption that they can hornswoggle their betrayed partners.
Your husband will not be a good candidate for reconciliation until he stops trying to cover his ass, stops blaming you, and tells you the truth. Right now, he is not remorseful, he is regretful. This means that he is not worried about what he has done to you, he is worried about himself and the consequences to his effed up behavior.
If your husband wants to receive the GIFT or a marriage to you, and to show that he is truly remorseful, he will need to show support and understanding of the healing process you will need to go through by taking certain actions consistently and for the long term. This takes YEARS of work. Fixing his damaged integrity is not easy or quick.
To show he is worthy of you, your WH will need to take the following actions at the bare minimum:
1. STD testing NOW
2. Consent to a lie detector test (even if this does not happen, his reaction will tell you a LOT)
3. Engage in IC with a counselor who has experience with infidelity on a consistent basis. He needs to figure out what is broken and fix it before he is remotely safe for you. HE will seek out and research counselors and choose one with your input. No MC at this point. The marriage is not broken, he is.
4. All electronics and social media accounts open to your perusal. You have all passwords. He lost the right to privacy when he want behind your back and cheated.
5. Complete honesty at all times.
6. He will bear witness to your sadness and anger and accept that HE caused it. Counseling will help to give him true perspective on this. He will answer all questions about the affair honestly and accept the consequences for his actions. YOUR feelings should be his priority.
7. He will have no contact with the other women immediately. If he works with her, he gets another job. He writes a letter telling the OW that he will not have any further contact, show it to you and send it to her. Then, he will have absolutely no contact with her.
8. YOU inform the other spouse or partner. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the other person has the right to know that their partner is a lying ass. Do not tell him you are doing this. WS will try to make up some story about how you are crazy to avoid consequences to their actions.
9. He will be accountable for his whereabouts at all times.
10. He will seek out and read literature that will help him become a safer partner and a better human.
In the meantime, as much as you want to do this, STOP trying to please him and STOP doing wifely things for him. HE chose to fuck up the marriage and he can do his own laundry, cooking and shopping. He can sleep somewhere else (couch, etc). until you feel that you can tolerate his presence. He does not get to have an opinion about your healing. He lost the right to that when he cheated. If you read posts here, you will see that we often say that in order to save your marriage, you will need to be willing to lose it. This means that you will need to set boundaries and hold him to them. See an attorney about what divorce will look like. Knowledge is power. It also give a clear message to the WS that you are serious. I know this is scary, but it works. Many of us can verify that.
The bottom line is that you need to think about what YOU need and want without thinking about his needs or wants. These decisions take time. Your healing is your own. Do what is best for you.