SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

5 years into reconciliation and we’ve just had the talk. He is still emotionally dysfunctional and has never made good on his promise to enter and stay in therapy for 12+consecutive months. I find out this morning he is thinking of leaving me because he says I don’t care about his feelings. We are at an impasse. We bought a huge house together last year in a town he dragged me to for his job, and now he is running away. Again.

Seeing his texts to hometown friends was what did it for me. He wants to leave ME? Because…. I stopped enabling him? After all the compromises I have made? Any shred of trust that was rebuilt is destroyed. I’m finally ready to accept that neither of us is going to change, so it’s time.

I came home to ask if he wanted to talk (he moved his clothes to the spare bedroom while I was at work). I asked if he had anything to say… he did, deflecting responsibility and bone entirely to me.
I said I understand how you feel and I’m sorry. It seems we have both said all there is to say and I’m ready to accept divorce as the only option left.he seemed relieved. I feel sad and stupid for trying. I’ll be 44 this month and it feels like the last 5 years have been such a waste.

The good news is that we have no kids and just laid out a basic plan for division of assets. He comes out ahead but it feels smarter than going to battle and wasting money through that process. We will both be fine financially. I know this will be hard but it’s temporary and I’m trying not to feel devastated or hopeless.

I will never marry again

I'm not sure whether to say sorry or not.... The situation sucks, but I'm glad you'll be ok. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

You know when you know. And yes, not the outcome you were hoping for, but it sounds like it will be the healthiest one for you. You did not waste 5 years. You had to find out if your M could R… and now you know. You are wiser and stayed true to your self. Now focus your energy on getting out of infidelity and a new start.

Also, can’t you make the split of assets more equal? I mean no need to take one "for the team" on this.

Best of luck! (And read the post at the top of this forum— really good reminder of why S/D can be the best thing).

You did not waste 5 years. You had to find out if your M could R

Exactly. Sometimes it takes the time it takes to figure this out. I stayed in Limbo another 5 Years after False R and one day just woke up and knew I was done. I knew the M had not progressed, that he was still the same person he always had been and I didn't want to live the rest of my life feeling the way I did.

Thank you for the supportive words, all (I’ve got to learn how to use the message board tagging/quoting functions!)

You are all right that I should view these last 5 years as a learning experience. I’m actually feeling much better today. It feels so empowering to finally be out of limbo!

I spent way too long in fear of disrupting my financial plan and in fear of the personal failure of not being able to save my marriage. This is not me! I’m a decisive, confident person! I am a force! Reading the stories of others who have come through it and are happier on the other side is so helpful. One of the biggest realizations I’ve made through this mess is how much we all hide from the world and how much BETTER Everything gets when we share our stories with other… to know we are not alone in these feelings and experiences.why do we all spend so much time suffering privately? Each time I’ve leaned on a friend, not only have I walked away feeling better, stronger, and capable…. I also often get told a story of struggles that I can empathize with for the friend. I hope to find an in person support group to continue building the shared strength of community as I move through separation into divorce.

On a logistics standpoint, I feel pretty lucky. The WH is running away from his entire life, not just me. He told his boss (a personal friend who recruited him to run a local small business) that he intends to leave the area. He didn’t give notice per say, but it’s out there as an intention. He told our roommate who is obviously nervous about what this means for his living situation.

I had my legal consult yesterday where I described the framework WH and I discussed for the division of assets. She was shocked at what I’d been able to get him to agree too since he is leaving a substantial amount with me that he could legally get 50% of. He is running scared trying to leave all of his responsibilities behind, and I’m using that fear blindness to my advantage. In VA, if no children, we are required to be separated 6 months before we can file for the divorce. However, we draft our division of assets contract now and it becomes binding once notarized. I’ve been transparent about the steps I’ve taken And shared notes from my consult with him. I asked if he felt that accurately represented what we discussed and he said yes. I actually think he thought it could be ‘worse’ for him and again, I’m just letting him think that. I should have the docs in hand by Monday, notarized by Tuesday. Trying to stay NC till then so I don’t screw this up by getting angry and possibly causing him to him engage his own attorney.

I’m handling all of the logistics. All he has to do is give me a heads up when he expects to vacate the marital residence (which he has agreed to let me retain). All I have to do is stay the course and try to stay in this acceptance/ empowered place instead of the snotty, tear-filled grief place.

[This message edited by ForTheTeam at 5:52 PM, Friday, June 9th]

In VA, if no children, we are required to be separated 6 months before we can file for the divorce. However, we draft our division of assets contract now and it becomes binding once notarized.

My state is similar and I also did the separation agreement. It is such a huge relief to have the financial stuff dealt with!