SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If this is inappropriate to post in general, I am sorry. Please feel free to move or delete.

So, I guess I just want some brutal honesty right now. I am the WS. My partner and I are not married but we were planning on spending a lifetime together. D-Day was very recent.

He says he wants to try and make things work for now. He says he still loves me, is willing to trust that I won't do it again (and I won't - I promised too many people including myself that I couldn't live with myself if I ever do it again). He says he still enjoys spending time with me. He's really hurting, as you all know.

I am willing to put in whatever amount of work I have to do in IC and with him. I'm not scared of it. In fact, it makes me feel better in a strange way, that I can at least try to make him feel better with changing myself and my actions.

I also have a very big part of me that can't stop reading everything I can about infidelity and I am very concerned that him staying with me is only going to waste his time with healing and eventually meeting someone new that he can fully trust.

I am okay with whatever he needs. If he wants to stay together for two more years and I can be any source of comfort during those two years then I'm glad.

I know this isn't an easy question to answer, but am I being selfish for trying to make this work?

[This message edited by redwoodforest at 3:29 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

The answer is yes if you are not truly in love with this man. You didn't list love in your reasons for saying. I'm not talking about caring for him or familial bonds you might feel for him, I mean love.

It's absent in your post.

You will need to be fully transparent..forever.

You will need to be completely honest,at all times,about all things. And be ok with never being fully trusted.

You will need to go to IC to figure out why you cheated.

Write a full timeline. Follow that with a polygraph.

You need to be tested for stds.

NC with om,and friends who knew of the affair.

I don't think it's selfish..IF he wants to attempt reconciliation, and you are ALL IN.

Reconciliation is a process that takes years. Are you really up to that?

I don't know how long you've been with him. You're dating,not married. Dating is kind of an interview, to see if each of you are compatible for marriage. You've shown you aren't. But,if he loves you,and is willing to give you the chance to become a safe partner..and you want to do that with every part of your being...don't fail and hurt him more.

You've placed him on an emotional roller coaster. Buckle up. Ride it with him. When he's crying on the floor,get down there with him.

Share this site with him. He needs support and advice.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:12 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

Ok,I read a few of your posts.

There was no OM,so to speak.

Get tested for stds anyway..because you have broken all trust,I promise you he is wondering if you met men in person. Tell him the tests are to reassure him. The polygraph will confirm.

Also..you're scared of losing him. What you need to understand is he lost you. He feels that intense pain. You shared yourself with others,and he lost you. You will need to put in the work to make sure he knows you aren't going anywhere. So asking if it's selfish to stay will make him think you may not want to.

You have a lot of work to do. Don't expect him to do anything, for at least a few months, to repair the relationship. You need to show him,with actions,that you are all in. You have to do the heavy lifting. His job is to take care of himself, and watch your actions.

Understand, love bombing and lots of sex are not the work you need to be doing. I mean, yes, you need to be loving with him. But none of that makes you safe.

I tend to be very harsh with new WS,until they pull their head out of their ass. But you? I believe you have been in a lot of pain,for a long time. I think you sabatoged this relationship on purpose, because you felt you deserved nothing good in life. If you can bring up your self esteem, I believe you will be ok.

You did a shitty thing. But you can do the right things now. You also deserve happiness.

Thank you for the responses. I am trying to figure out if I love him, to be honest. I thought I did. I really thought I did but it doesn't make sense that I hurt him like this if I truly loved him. I know his presence makes me feel safe, calm, happy. I know when he comes home from work I get butterflies. I think very highly of him, I think he has many good qualities. I know his touch instantly makes me feel better. He's my first serious relationship that lasted more than a couple years. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what love is. Feeling versus acting and everything. I sure feel like I love him.

I am okay with this being years of work. I think I did act out because I felt terribly about myself and that I didn't deserve him. IC is really helpful right now. My therapist is a trauma specialist as well, so once my emotions are more in-check I want to start directly working on my trauma. I have hope this will help a lot of things.

I will bring up the other points, like getting tested for STDs as well. Thanks again.

[This message edited by redwoodforest at 7:00 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

I read your other post and I can only say I wish my WH had the mindset you do.

If your partner wants to reconcile and allow you to do the work then I would say you are not being selfish.

Selfish would be not considering his feelings or hurt.

Just be honest with yourself and him and your therapist. I believe people can change and can grow better from mistakes but only if they are willing to admit their mistakes, learn why they happen and take steps to prevent it from happening again.

I wish you two the best.

I am trying to figure out if I love him, to be honest. I thought I did. I really thought I did but it doesn't make sense that I hurt him like this if I truly loved him.

You know what love is?

I am willing to put in whatever amount of work I have to do in IC and with him. I'm not scared of it. In fact, it makes me feel better in a strange way, that I can at least try to make him feel better with changing myself and my actions.

I also have a very big part of me that can't stop reading everything I can about infidelity and I am very concerned that him staying with me is only going to waste his time with healing and eventually meeting someone new that he can fully trust.

I am okay with whatever he needs. If he wants to stay together for two more years and I can be any source of comfort during those two years then I'm glad.

That's love. Being concerned about being selfish is love. Your behavior is loving. Keep it up.

If you want to be with him, do everything you can to be a safe partner, and don't push him away because you think he deserves better. He's a grown man and will leave you if he decides that he can't make it work. You just do your best to make it work and to be a solid, safe, loving, caring partner.

Love is a gift. It's not transactional. You're doing those things because you want to give them to him, not "make him stay."

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:47 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

I don't know how long it's been since he found our or the nature of your betrayal, but I suspect that he has no idea what he really wants in 1yr. All he may be doing is grasping at a mirage of what he once thought he had and what you represented.

He and you will need time to figure it out. Maybe more than a year.

It's been 12yrs for me, and as my life has evolved, variables that were important to me then are not now, and other things are more important. It's not a static thing. My views on my WW and M have evolved.

It's a bit shocking to my wife that I see her more as a good friend, than a life partner. I just see her inner core as fundamentally unstable. Too defined by emotions and societal patterns than critical thinking. I'm ok with that. I can leave.

She doesn't like the idea that I'm not deeply anchored in the marriage anymore. I explain to her that she altered my attachment pattern. I was probably too attached to her, unable to see an alternative life that was happy without her. And I didn't until around 2yrs from DDay. Now, I'm ok with it all ending, but I also want her to be successful and a good mom. She opened my eyes.

She wants me to say I love her all the time. But it's such an artificial construct. We have a great time. Vacations, exercise, kids,... but I'm ok moving on if she's unhappy or wants something I can't provide. She knows that. It's the price of the A that she never fully understood until later. But life's like that. Full of consequences.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 10:33 PM, Saturday, August 5th]