Hi grieving, no doubt it is an incredibly devastating experience.
I also lost my husband through death. I also came to the realization that mine also cheated throughout our whole marriage instead of a one time fling he led me into believing that is all there was.
I was beyond shocked and confused. Devastated when I found out the truth. It was such a horrifying experience to be in grief and then also to find out that he wasn't this person that I thought I knew. I still feel that way at times. I mean he deceived me. Made me want to believe that he was someone that he wasn't.
We don’t want to think negative of someone that is no longer here.
Absolutely not true. Your deceased husband wasn't being a good man when he was going behind your back cheating and lieing throughout your marriage. I'm sorry but your deceased husband doesn't get a free pass just because he crossed over into a new deminsion. That's a bunch of crap to think that way. Please grieve however you need to grieve. There are no set rules for grieving.
I say go ahead and present your deceased wh as a good husband at the memorial. No one needs to learn the truth about his past at the memorial service. Save it for another day if you do choose to tell them. And if you think about it most services focus on the positive dispite the person's past right?
Anyways, I suggest for you to get through this day as peacefully as you possobly can. You loved this man and now that you know the truth you will go through a wide range of emotions until you get to your own place of satisfaction on your views of him and there will come a time when you do.
Now that I am 3 1/2 years out and also have done a lot of therapy work (still planning to. EMDR is next) I feel like I am in a better spot to let go of most of the negativity that I felt for him. I still find that I can be very disappointed in him at times. But I can also have love in my heart for him and respect for the good he did while on this earth. But one thing for sure, I would never want to experience this ever again.
Please allow yourself to feel every emotion you need to feel including hatred, hurt, pain, love, confusion, disgust. All of your emotions count and are valid.
I'm so sorry you had to find out the ugly dark side of him after his death. He hid this from you because he knew it was wrong and he didn't want you to know because he knew that you wouldn't agree with it because it was wrong.
One thing for sure is all of this emotional pain will ease up in time and you will have better days ahead.
I'm so sorry for your loss.