Hello everyone,
I just want vent out again and just to share an update on whats going on and maybe just to ask some input and advices and see is there is any similar situation as I have.
As I mentioned into my previous post, found out my husband had an affair 2 months ago. (Affair was 5-6months, emotionally and physically). A ended the next day I found out.
The 1st month right after I found out, I couldnt even describe how horrible I was. Emotions were upside down. Had depression and suicidal thoughts. Lots of arguments and confrontation even though we both want to reconcile. Like we couldnt figure it out what to do.
Fast forward today, we really had the chance to talk one on one, yup!, the very 1st time. And oh boy I can tell you it wasnt easy after all but I am glad we did.
He admitted everything. Like everything. All lay out on the table.
- He said he cared for her and he is developing some feelings to her at that time of the A. and because out of pity as well (because the AP was telling my H how she fell inlove already and she couldnt stop thinking about H and all that shit)
- He said he had fun while they went on a date because he gets to unwind
- He said when they had sex he wasnt really thinking straight and because his body wants to do it he gave in (I dont know if I should believe that though)
- He said i love you, i miss you and all the sweet talk to make her feel better (hmmm? Right? But okay)
- I confronted him about him saying that he said to the AP he could leave me and my children for her but he told me that he just said that because again to make her feel better and all of those were empty words and for him he knew that he couldn't do it
- He knows and he admitted that he made a big mistake and he is willing to do anything to save our relationship and he is willing to improve himself for the better.
- He said it was a mixed of spur of a moment with lust, out of pity, attention and his mind was very clouded and couldnt think straight. Overwhelmed? Work and home and marital issues.
I am not siding him on this one, but him answering all these questions about the affair and not him being irritated and frustated like before is a big step for him to do. He has this toxic trait that he doesnt say what he truly feels so that the person who he is talking to will not get hurt or offended. He rather keep it to himself and will say "okay" even though "it is not okay" but for him on his POV its okay. Does it make sense to you guys? Sorry. I tried. He doesnt know how to really express how he feels I guess? Because trust me when we were talking I have to be so open minded and understanding to truly understand his side properly.
At the end of the conversation, he said that he really regrets what he did and he said he is really sorry. He is asking for a 2nd chance (last chance) to prove himself to be a better husband and father this time.
Now the really question is? Am I willing to give that to him? TBH, I dont know at the moment. I told him let me process and accept everything first which he is okay with it.
I know deep down I do care and love him but I cannot pinpoint or dont know what is the love I have for him.
And because the trust is broken, I dont even know what is the truth or lie on everything he just told me. I can feel his sincerity but I am scared.
Lastly, I did not tell the OBS yet about the A. I have the message I want to send to him but for some reason I couldnt hit that goddamn send button. Ugh!!
Anyone have similar situation?
Any advice? Im so confused.