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The ? refers to the fact that I have not heard it from his mouth yet.

This is my oldest son who is the father of the granddaughter that has been in my life so very much. My son and her mother finally called it quits about a year ago after a few years of switching the amount of interest each had in making that relationship work. Now he is seeing a different person for the last five months or so. She has a 10 year old daughter.

He seems to really like this lady. It appears to me that one of the main draws this lady and her daughter have for him is the fact that they have not had easy lives. They live with her grandparents who are not entirely supportive / welcoming to them. He tells me that they sometimes don’t get enough to eat, and have lived "less than" lives. For example, when they went together and got her daughter and my granddaughter pumpkins and they made jack-o’-lanterns out of them, and we ate and baked pumpkin seeds, he told me that this is the first time her daughter had ever cut a jack-o’-lantern.

My son is a very sensitive person and he would give the shirt off of his back to his friends. But this is no reason to marry. #1

#2… My sister-in-law tells me that when my son and his friend were over at her house the other day, helping her with some heavy work, that my son was arguing with her on the phone. That she could hear the girl accusing my son of not really being at my SIL’s house and helping her. I guess the girl was suggesting that he was with someone else? She ended the conversation and my said out loud that he was going to disconnect her phone, because he was the one paying for it. Later, I found out through her granddaughter that follows my son on Facebook, that he had changed his "status" to "single". That was maybe 10 days ago.

And, perhaps selfishly…#3 is that I’m guessing he will be asking / suggesting that if/when they get married, they will come here to live.

And #4, she is on some kind of probation that my son does not want to share with me. I don’t know what kind of trouble she was in and I understand mistakes, but we don’t need any more issues" in this home.

Also, I’m gonna say that I feel that my son has been seeing his daughter less since these two have come into his life. And that is SO not OK, at least with me. Not that it’s really my business.

I’m not trying to be negative about this relationship, seriously. And I am trying to "practice" the appropriate response when he finally does tell me about his "engagement". Do I act surprised? I’m basically an honest person, so I’m not going to pretend I didn’t know. But do I immediately present "issues" with the situation because I ask him why he didn’t tell me?

I am remembering a comment my son made to me a week or two ago… Maybe a month… That he knew that mother of his daughter was engaged now. And I wonder if he is trying to rush this relationship based somewhat on that fact. I have never really thought that he was completely over her.

So I guess I’m just wanting some input about how to handle this with him. Do I carefully point out some of my concerns? Or do I just say congratulations and let it go at that? I know what it is like for parents not to support marriage and I don’t want to do that to him.

But this is more than a little concerning.

You are going to be the bad guy no matter what you say.

Suggestions.

He tells you he is engaged. You say congrats! Ask him his plans for the wedding ceremony.

Offer up nothing but a gift and attendance.

Make it clear they cannot live with you. You don’t want the infamous AirBNB situation where she comes to live w/ you and then you cannot get rid of her.

Say or comment as little as possible. If it ends up blowing up, he cannot point the finger at you and say you said or did anything wrong.

Try to get them to be engaged as long as possible. Hopefully it will end or die out on its own.

Whatsright, sounds like an entirely new set of troubles that you don't need. I agree with 1st. wife, IF he brings up marriage, ask if he has firm living plans in place because there is no room in the INN at your house. She sounds really immature and jealous, which would mean he might not be seeing his own daughter very much. He sounds like a good guy - perhaps a knight in shining armor?

Jeanie…

Yes, he is definitely a KISA. I was always concerned about the time when he would meet his birth family, because I knew that it was a group of totally dysfunctional people, disadvantaged, and I couldn’t imagine that he would not help them in any way that he could. I’m proud of his tendencies to help others, but not to the point of being taken advantage of.

1stWife, it is a good idea to say no more then I need to. To just be supportive and congratulate him.

It does feel almost mean not to be really excited for him and get all involved. But if I had to come up with a percentage of certainty of the relationship failing, it would probably be 75%. I have been through two divorces, even without kids. And it was very horrible. I just don’t want my kids to suffer through that type of thing. However, I have to admit that upon announcing my third engagement my mother almost had a nervous breakdown. And she was absolutely positively off about whether or not our marriage would last. Obvious problems, but 35 1/2 years later, we’re still together.

It’s very strange that he hasn’t even mentioned it to me yet. I don’t know if he is expecting me to "hear about it "and say something to him.

If he begins to speak to me about it or if I feel that it would be appropriate, I will definitely suggest that due to expenses at this time and probably the inability to afford a place together, that maybe they should have an extended engagement.

Who have you heard this news from?

I will definitely suggest that due to expenses at this time and probably the inability to afford a place together, that maybe they should have an extended engagement.

Instead of this, I think you should ask him what his plans are. Where are you going to live? How are you going to handle the bills? Let him come to his own conclusions. Help him create a budget and be realistic. I think it would mean more to him if he can see for himself how to make it work vs you telling him that it's probably not going to work. Don't let them live with you.

I’m not trying to be negative about this relationship, seriously. And I am trying to "practice" the appropriate response when he finally does tell me about his "engagement". Do I act surprised? I’m basically an honest person, so I’m not going to pretend I didn’t know. But do I immediately present "issues" with the situation because I ask him why he didn’t tell me?

-No need to act surprised. You could mention you had heard, but didn't know if it's true or not... Waiting to hear it from him...
-I definitely would not immediately present "issues" or ask him why he didn't tell you right away.

Ask him what his plans are and help him get on the pathway of success... if that means a long engagement, so be it! He needs to be financially stable and income high enough to afford a home for them plus everything else that goes along with having a home (food, clothes, basics, etc).

I am really worried about them all ending up in your house. I remember before you moved you were insistent that it was going to be you and H only and that isn't what happened.

♥ little turtle

The way I know about the engagement is that my sister in law and my other son both told me it was on his Facebook: "She said yes!" I didn’t see it myself. I don’t do Facebook.

He will never be able to afford a home on his own. Or even an apartment at this point. Where I live, the sons of friends who are college graduates are struggling to afford housing.

No, they will not live here. She has a 10 year old child, and there is no separate room for her here. But I will not say that to my son, because that suggests that if he ever marries a woman without a child, they could live here.

Today, I am reeling from a newer development. My middle son has told me that he and his girlfriend of 2 months are having a pregnancy scare. WHAT?????????? Who raised these guys???

Oh yeah…😏 That was me.

Meanwhile, my granddaughter is struggling in school, my H has developed another health issue, and I have found out that I have full on Hashimotos disease.

I have decided to be grateful for the lack of communication from my son re his engagement at this time, just not to have to deal with it at this time.

Yep…a "head in the sand" moment for me.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:40 AM, Friday, October 20th]