SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This recovery keeps revealing things I’d rather not have known.

My husband seems to have been living a lie and pretending to be this strong capable person and apparently I thought I was a strong capable person until this affair busted open the door to all of these unattractive traits.

WH
He made me feel like I was married to a self confident loyal friend with benefits. 🥰 I thought our foundation was strong and that he was this go getter that had everything under control.

Yet he cheated. And get this— he then pretended to be this sane person to the AP except he added a tablespoon of being a victim on top of it.

NOW do you want to know what I found out? Do you want to know what his mid life crisis revealed??? Now that he’s "sharing" he says he’s frightened a lot. He says he’s insecure more often than he says. He’s trying never to lie again so now when we have discussions these feelings come out. And when I look at him in disbelief like "who is this dude?" It makes him feel like he was right to lie and hide these feelings because if he had revealed them to me when we were dating I would never have married him.

And he’s right. This dude is unattractive and weak and I would have decided he wouldn’t be able to sustain me in the role of husband. And he didn’t because he eventually cheated.

So he’s betrayed me long before the affair because he had lied about what was happening inside of him and he wasn’t revealing any of the things going on inside him. I was married to someone he was pretending to be all along. It got harder to keep up the facade with me.

So he’s betrayed me long before the affair because he had lied about what was happening inside of him and he wasn’t revealing any of the things going on inside him. I was married to someone he was pretending to be all along. It got harder to keep up the facade with me.

^^^^^This^^^^^

I think many BS could say some version of the same thing. I know I can. Some of the first inklings I had of my WW cheating was people telling me "she isn’t who you think she is". Boy, was THAT the truth! I never thought "she" was capable of cheating, let alone being a serial cheater. But the "she" I thought she was never really existed….

She hasn’t cheated in years and I don’t think she would. But she’s still selfish, lies, minimizes, has super low self esteem and is intimacy avoidant to the point of shutting down when we try to get "inside her head" about ANYTHING. Always a "victim". She doubts herself about ANY move or decision she makes at work or home now. One big facade for over 40 years….now the dam has burst.

It is EXTREMELY unattractive and I too would have never married THIS person.

So he lied to you,and tricked you into marrying him,because he pretended to be someone he's not.

And, a few years into a reconciliation attempt, this man believes he did the right thing by lying and pretending. He took away your ability to make an informed decision about your life..and he feels it was not only acceptable..but a good thing to do.

This proves to you that he hasn't done any work to become a safe partner. If he had, he would be horrified by his actions. He would be disgusted with the lie. Instead, he feels it was fine.

That he feels it's ok to lie,to get what he wants, at your expense..is a huge problem.

This is who he is. The mask is off.

Is this the kind of man you want to stay with?

Full disclosure. I'm an evolutionary psych guy and believe our primitive hardwiring runs much of the show in terms ofvsexual attraction and behaviour. I'm also going to separate your WH's A from the issue for simplicity.

That being said, As a dude, I can resonate with how your WH feels about himself. We are taught from a very early age to bury our emotions and never show weakness. Then, we are criticized for doing that very thing. I would gently caution you about how you react to his attempts at vulnerability. As men, we are often given mixed signals by society. They want us to be strong, confident, secure and powerful, while also being sensitive, emotional and vulnerable. We cannot be all things to all people.

The advice I am going to give you is different than I would give your husband. To him, I would tell him to find a trusted male friend to open up to, for the very reason that you posted. Feeling like an imposter is a common human condition and it is one that I struggle with. Feeling this way does not make me weak. It makes me normal.

He is finally opening up to you in a way that takes courage on his part. That is a form of strength as he probably feels safe to do this finally. The very worst thing to do would be to censure him for it, even subconsciouslyas he might pick up on this. It will just reinforce old social messages about boys not crying.

You have a right to be unattracted to him. That is your prerogative, just as he has a right to find you unattractive. You both have agency. Hopefully you can both work past this. Otherwise, you should reevaluate your choices.

So he’s betrayed me long before the affair because he had lied about what was happening inside of him and he wasn’t revealing any of the things going on inside him. I was married to someone he was pretending to be all along.

That pretty much describes every WS, and I'm surprised that you're surprised by it at this stage of the game. Healthy people don't cheat.

None of us "got what we ordered" when we married someone who turned out to be a cheater. Most of us thought they were who they pretended to be or we wouldn't have married them. We thought they meant it when they said that they'd be faithful.

This is what most BSs want - a vulnerable and seemingly authentic WS - and yet you're repulsed. That's interesting to me.

ETA: Ditto to everything Justsomeguy said.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:28 PM, Thursday, December 21st]

To clarify..I get that almost all ws wear a mask until they're caught.

That's really not the problem.

It's that he is a few years into R, and he still thinks it was ok to lie to her, and trick her, because he got what he wanted.

it makes him feel like he was right to lie and hide these feelings

At THREE years into R, shouldn't he have already learned that lying to your spouse,to get what you want, is not ok?

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:44 PM, Thursday, December 21st]

@justsomeguy - excellent points.

Incentives matter. If women reward men for performing a particular form of masculinity above other forms, only men that don't care about women's approval will be themselves if they don't fit that mold.

OP, it sounds like you are seeing your WH's real self and you don't like him. You could cut him loose. Just be aware that your next man might also be performing the traits that get your attention and have the experience to know that you never show what's inside unless you want to invalidate yourself in your woman's eyes.

OP, if I may add to this conversation. Aside from the infidelity, your description of your husband does resonate with me as well. I recently became aware of my own pretty substantial insecurities and poor self-esteem. Externally, I exude calm and strength most of the time. Not a humble brag--it actually enables me professionally to be able to do this and is likely a skill I developed to be able to function.
However, in the past year or so, I started therapy (military...old PTSD...FOO trauma never dealt with...not really relevant to this) and learned that I can compartmentalize like a champ. It's not that I don't "feel" things; it's just that I can put them on pause temporarily until I can let them out...sometimes in non-productive ways.
By that measure, I've been lying to my wife for over 30 years. She seemed to be really taken aback when I told her about this. It was enormously difficult for me to admit because a part of me thought she'd take it the way you seem to be taking it. I thought her opinion of me would crumble thinking I was this weak, whiny man-child this whole time. She may actually think that (I'm not a mind reader) but she has been extremely conscientious since then encouraging me to be more open and being way more intimate with me, physically and emotionally, than we have in years.
I think that's where our situations diverge. I have never cheated on my wife nor has she on me, so thankfully we aren't having to navigate that minefield. I completely understand why you feel your trust has been broken yet again. I only say that these kinds of feelings in men are probably common, and most of us grow up in environments where it's just not something you can discuss openly. Or, like me, he may not even be aware that this was something he was dealing with.

I can't say I feel exactly the same way as I would gladly accept if my WH had a break through where he had real reasons for his behaviors and issues, he is still working through things in therapy but his therapist is not helping in my opinion and he feels the same so plans to discuss this with her and/or find a new therapist.

What I can say is that there are certain traits that were tolerable or okay prior to our marital betrayals that I accepted but after the betrayal I find them less acceptable and more annoying or "unattractive." It seems I accept undesirable traits because I can overlook them until I am betrayed and now my opinions or tolerance changes.

Only you know if this is something you can work through or if it is a deal breaker. Either way it is your decision and while it isn't fair to you that you were lied to and manipulated, having the power to made decisions are yours. None of the parts of betrayal or trauma are easy and all we can do is work our way slowly through each step in the process.

I do feel bad you have a new version of your WS that is so different than the person you were thinking you were marrying. I struggle with that part as well, I feel duped and like I was marrying a different person than I thought.

I think you're focusing on the wrong area. My reco is to decide whether your deeper knowledge of who your H is means you want to dump him or not.

No one is without insecurities. I'd go so far as saying that a person who isn't aware of their own insecurities is going to be a lousy and risky partner. So you have to live with insecurities.

But you don't have to live with your H. If his combination of strengths and weaknesses turn you off, why stay with him?

*****

Gently, what are you telling yourself about this new knowledge of your H?

I thought our foundation was strong and that he was this go getter that had everything under control.

It's always been my view that people who come off as if they have everything under control are always the ones who don't, so that would have been a red flag for me from the start. Authenticity is not about being competent and strong; it's about being competent and strong in some ways and admitting that you feel weak and vulnerable in others. Those people ring true to me every time.

Seems like you were looking for a savior or an image? They don't exist. We all save ourselves.

It seems to me that your WH is doing some good work. Are you also in IC? As they say in therapy, when one partner "changes their dance moves," the other partner is forced to change as well. And that can be very uncomfortable. An IC can really help you process how you feel about the fact that your WH is a real person with both strength and vulnerability. It is your right to ditch this M whenever you want, but all healthy people feel this way--strong but weak, competent but falling short. He was fake before, which all WS are/were, and now he's not. You need to accept that you wanted that fake competence, maybe needed it. But why? Do you not have your own competence? Besides, his feelings of vulnerability are transitional. He's doing the work.

Not saying I know what I'm talking about, but that's how this whole thing strikes me from personal experience. I hope you two can work through it successfully since this is the reconciliation forum.

It takes years of work to uncover our true selves, depending on the issues. His timeline does not concern me.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:13 PM, Thursday, December 21st]

I would very much agree with justsomeguy on this, but I absolutely resonate with how you feel. You feel like you've been tricked into marrying someone who was putting on a show the whole time. That your precious time was stolen from you. I get it, I really do.

But the thing is, we ALL have sides to us that we probably keep to ourselves, even on a subconscious level. I think waywards tend to do this but on a much larger, unhealthy scale.

Pre-DDay, I thought my WH had his shit together. I had him on a giant pedestal, towering over me. The view I had of our dynamics, was that I was the neurotic overly emotional worry wort, and he was our anchor. He didn't seem to worry about ANYTHING. Nothing EVER phased him. He never had any emotional outbursts, of any kind. He never actually asked anything of me, and was extremely passive. He works in a job where he experiences trauma on a very regular basis, but when I offered him support, he never needed it, because it was always "just one of those things". I remember actually playfully asking him to teach me his ways - I was envious of his laid back attitude to everything in life.

Post-DDay, well it transpires that he was none of the above. He has actually spent most of his adult life as a scared little boy, worried that at any minute he's going to be "found out". He has desperately sought approval. He suffers with imposter syndrome, exactly like justsomeguy mentioned. He constantly worries about work, he has been hugely affected by the trauma he has suffered at work. "Boys don't cry", was his mantra during his childhood.

He hasn't actively hidden the above from me, to dupe me into marrying him. He has just never been able to show his true self to the world, for fear of rejection and ridicule. Its not just me he's been hiding from, its everyone- and himself to a large degree.

Now the A - I find that unattractive. I have found the TT unattractive. I have found his unempathetic responses to my anger, unattractive.

However, his vulnerability NOW and his willingness to share his authentic self, extremely attractive. I actually relate to him on a much deeper level because of it. And it turns out, he's far more neurotic then I'll ever be - I'm actually the anchor 😆

As much a people may disagree with me on this, I think I'd feel like I'd done the "right" thing, if I shared my deepest vulnerabilities with someone and I was then told they'd never have married me or I was unattractive to them. I'd feel like they'd proved me right - showing myself = rejection.

There is so much wisdom I. These replies- I needed to hear every single word of it. I’m driving home and can’t reply but Justsomeguy your response humbled me….. and so many more nuggets I’ll address later. Today is a day where I love this community.

I never typed how I too am not who I thought I was either.

Hellfire are you reconciling?

What just some guy said resonates with me. There are extreme cases where a person’s
facade is so at odds with their interior reality that I would say it’s a lie.

But most of us have insecurities that we hide, and men are especially conditioned to act strong and together even when they don’t feel that way. Everything in our society tells them that’s what masculinity is.

We don’t usually realize the extent of our own or our partner’s insecurities and vulnerabilities until we’re tested by life and have years of experience together. The whole time period leading up to my husband’s affair, Dday, and the aftermath revealed vulnerabilities in my husband that neither of us knew he had. (And in me, too). But I don’t think he had always been lying to me about who he was (aside from the lying about the affair). Hell, we’ve been together since we were both 20 years old; more than 25 years. We’re both different people than we were at that time, for better and worse.

That’s not to say you have to like or be attracted to who he is now. The affair may have killed that; and it might just be a dealbreaker for you. That’s ok. But I think if you’re trying to reconcile, it’s probably a better path to appreciate the vulnerability he’s showing right now. Listen to what he’s saying with compassion if you can muster it, and sit with it.

Disregard what I’m saying if you’re not at a place where it works. It reflects where I’m at right now, and may not be appropriate for where you are. Whatever the case, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I always read your posts because our timeline is similar, and desk I feel some camaraderie. Hugs.

I have a friend who very recently went through quite the betrayal, but of a different kind. Her H went to work. She was getting her three kids ready for school, and he pulled back into the driveway. He said, "I need to tell you something. Some people are going to come around 10 a.m. today to change the locks. Pack what you need. We've lost the house and will need to leave."

Stunned does not cover it. She had no clue, none, not one inkling that he had stopped paying the mortgage 26 months earlier, that they were losing their forever home, one they had been in for a decade. He kept it from her, from everyone, until that very morning when he finally forced himself to tell the truth. They had thrown a graduation party the day before!

He told my friend later on, "How could I tell you that we were living above our means? You work so hard. You are so careful with money and such a good person. How could I tell you that I had failed you, that all that you were doing still wasn't enough? I could not admit that. This is what my family did growing up--we pretended that things were the way we wished they were. So I pretended. That's all I know to do. I don't know how to be who I really am or even like myself. I don't even know who I am."

Her family flipped out and told her to leave him asap, so they immediately separated. But she loves him, and he has been in IC 1 to 3 sessions per week to fix himself. He always treated her like the dingbat of the relationship prior to this, like the one who repeatedly messed up. But their roles have reversed. She is the competent one for once, the one holding things together. He is the one that's messed up. It's been good for them.

They reconciled just a couple weeks ago. They have a new authenticity and appreciation that wasn't there before. They have a new honesty and intimacy between them. It has obviously been hell and their credit is wrecked, they had to move, they lost hundreds of thousands in equity, and family relationships are changed forever, but they are ok. It's like someone threw their lives up into the air, and everything landed in a mess. But somehow, things landed better.

They are both real now. They both see their strengths and show their weaknesses. They are in MC and he has a lot of IC ahead of him, but they are equals. Maybe you and your WH can land this way? It's an emotional mess, but that doesn't mean the new reality can't end up good for you both, maybe even better.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:20 AM, Friday, December 22nd]

Isn’t that what most of us really want? Honesty! I know it’s what I want from my WW. We had a big moment last week when I told her that I really just needed her to be 100% honest with me moving forward. I won’t give her any shit for giving me that request, after all, it’s what I need. I have made peace with myself that I may hear things I don’t like, but I won’t use it against her. I truly want to rebuild our relationship and if going down the path of discovery of information from honesty reveals things that are unattractive, then so be it, because I can work with someone who is honest, not someone who continues to lie.

Thank you everyone.

I was feeling angry and hopeless when I wrote this. The realization that if my FWH lied about who he was and kept these insecurities away from me I was set up to fail in this marriage as I’d never known how to love him the way he needed.

The AP got the same facade I got but with the added bit of victim he put in there she could comfort the side of him that was afraid and insecure.

I struggle with wanting to comfort him after what he did to me…. I feel like "why should I comfort him when he purposely stabbed me in the heart?"

I’m trying to repair myself from what he did however to finally realize that he’s been hurting and afraid and insecure this entire time and I’m not in the best place myself to show him empathy puts me back in a place of "this isn’t gonna work out"

I was feeling helpless.

I think what you just wrote is pretty key.

It's often said here that each party has to heal first, then the marriage can worked on if that's what both parties want.

He's working on himself and he's opening up to you but that betrayal trauma is very much alive in you. Your wound and likely subsequent "walls up" self-protection is alive and kicking. Rightly so. So how can you extend empathy and support whilst you yourself are still very much in pain?

I'd guess your anger (appropriate) is blocking you from feeling for him. And that's ok. My WS got seriously busy about working his shit out after Dday2. He tried to talk to me about the work and share his vulnerability. I felt nothing. And often said "I'm not your therapist," and left him cold. He had hurt me too much. I was shut down.

I'd suggest you continue to work through your trauma and he continues to work through his. Once you are healed, your feelings for him may return. They also may not and then you'll know. It's up to you how long you wait and see.

In the interim, if you are still considering R, you might share your feelings with him. Something like you are glad he is getting help and appreciate his efforts but you continue to struggle with the betrayal wound and find it difficult to be his main support. Each of you need to focus on yourselves right now.

I’m trying to repair myself from what he did....

I think it may help to realize that being betrayed is a trauma in itself - and IMO, it brings up all the trauma and all the self-doubt that one has ever felt in the past.

IOW, the task is bigger than recovering just from being betrayed by one's WS. Maybe you're struggling because the task is more difficult than you expect it to be.

Media - movies, TV, 'news', fiction - make recovery look easy. The media is wrong on this, way wrong.

(((Howcthappen))) - a hug, if you'd like one.