SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just for back story d day was March of 2022. Initially found out about one affair that was long distance that he slept with twice. They did text as friends but nothing romantic. Then about six months ago after asking for a lie detector test found out that he had three one night stands spread out over 10 years. 21 year marriage. Reconciliation has been rocky because of trickle truth. But I know I have the whole story and he is completely no contact and has not traveled since last year. He is in counseling and remorseful. Doing all of the right things, not defensive, such a good spouse right now. Actually so much better than I even thought was possible from him. Interesting how people can change and dig deep when they’re motivated.
I am still angry and crying almost daily. I’ll have stretches of two to three days of feeling ok but the pain still consumes me. I know I am depressed but I tried medication and it just blunts my feelings but doesn’t necessarily help.
I’m so angry that he’s ruined our marriage. I also have an autistic younger child and have a lot of stress with them although they are doing much better and they are very high functioning and extremely high iq. They are almost done with high school and I have some relief with that.
I am in therapy and a support group for betrayed wives.
At almost two years out is this normal? The frequency of my emotional distress is really not much better than the beginning. And I think I feel more disillusionment and depression than I did at first. I felt hopeful in the beginning that I could feel good again with him. He tries to compliment me and it hits me like a dagger. I know that I am not in love with him. I don’t think I love him at this point either more a companionship. Did anyone kind of turn the corner in year three? I know it’s slow but I thought I’d be better than I am. Thank you all.

I’m so angry that he’s ruined our marriage.

If his affairs ruined your marriage, then it was ruined before you found out about the affairs.

But really, it’s you finding out about them that makes it feel ruined it, no? Destroyed the narrative you were writing, or hoping to write. Like that narrative is an important part of your life.

Is it?

I think what you are feeling is very normal. More importantly, it’s 100% normal for you.

Yes I totally agree with you houseofplane. I’ve told him our marriage was trashed ten years ago the first time he cheated. I just didn’t realize it yet. I know I want to stay in the relationship for valid reasons. Financial comfort, ability to retire earlier, stability for my kids. Also our history and being in a long term relationship is or was important to me. He’s bending over backwards to try to repair. But I’m stuck. I agree how I feel is valid. I just don’t want to feel or think about it forever. I want to move forward and feel some sort of positive feelings toward him and the relationship. Occasionally I will. But it’s so short lived and then I crash emotionally again.

Something I learned a while back, kind of an epiphany for me. The pain doesn’t come from not feeling love for my wife. There are billions of people I am mostly indifferent to on the planet. The pain comes from wanting to love her and then not loving her. That want and that pain charged our interaction. Everything was through that lens.

When I decided to accept it as it was, fuck it, it is what it is, then I was actually able to just see her. I’d say we have a good relationship too.

NEVER underestimate the power of saying "fuck it". It’s actually very aligned with many eastern spiritual ideas. 😀

In many ways, the second year was harder for me than the first. I also cycled weekly. Sounds normal to me.

Can't comment on R, but I really like what HoP said about want to love and being unable.

Also

Then about six months ago after asking for a lie detector test found out that he had three one night stands spread out over 10 years. 21 year marriage.

This is good for freshly minted BSs who are wondering about polygraphs.

What a world we live in, whee we have to consider asking our spouses to take a lie detector test, even though the vowed fidelity at the onset...

Hope you find your way.

Thank you for the replies. I really resonate with eastern philosophy especially recently. I’m trying to embrace the fuck it attitude and just see where I land. It is the wanting to love that is very troubling. I miss loving someone in a mutual romantic relationship. I enjoy giving and loving someone in that way. But it’s not there with my husband at this point. And he’s a constant reminder of what I had and now I don’t.
And yes being thrust into this world of deceit and lying is life altering. I see the world completely different. I know there are honest people out there. But I’m so immersed in this gross world of infidelity and I just hate it. The women in my support group are such beautiful souls. And I see so much pain in that group. Sometimes I just want to move far away and start a whole new life.

Then about six months ago after asking for a lie detector test found out that he had three one night stands

You are not 2 years out. You're 6 months out.

When you have another dday, it resets the clock on your healing.

You found out about 3 more women.

You found out he had been lying during those 18 months after dday.

The only reason you found out,was because he knew he would be caught with the polygraph.

That's a lot to find out.

Of course you're still angry. False R is horrible.

Did you follow through with the polygraph? Many ws will suddenly vomit some major truth, thinking they can avoid the polygraph,because that truth is so awful, their BS will believe they have all the truth. Often, they dont,and the ws is still lying.

Yes he did the polygraph. And I know everything. I think you are right hellfire. I haven’t had two years to heal because I found out more. I feel mixed on whether it would have been better to know everything right off. I think the shock of it would have leveled me. Sometimes I wish I would have called it 6 months ago but I just keep holding on thinking that I can heal and we can move forward. It’s hard to let go when you have a very remorseful spouse that is helping you so much with daily life. I think with the way he trickle truthed I probably have another couple years of difficulty ahead of me.

When you have another dday, it resets the clock on your healing.

You found out about 3 more women.

You found out he had been lying during those 18 months after dday.

I agree. I'd be angry too - furious - if I found out there were 18 more months of lies. That's 18 more months to be mad about. Even without the initial cheating, that alone is an enormous breach of trust (at a time when you believed you were rebuilding). You are right to not feel safe.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. My best tip for combatting depression is to do your very very best to trick your body into thinking you're happy - by *acting* like a happy person. I don't mean being inauthentic with yourself or bottling it in, but don't let yourself lie in bed in the dark and cry all afternoon. Go for a walk in the woods every day, be outside in the daylight - even if it's the last thing you want. Download a podcast and Even if it means crying in the trees. Fresh air and exercise trick your body into feeling better than you are. It's not going to solve the problem, but it's going to give your brain and body, a teeny kick of endorphins and that can be so helpful in building your resilience and enabling you to cope.

Thank you. I exercise every day. Always have and I’m grateful for that habit. I do need to walk outside more. I love being outside but it’s winter and last week was so rainy so it’s been tough.
I almost kicked him out after the last disclosure. I feel so isolated. I work from home. I have a couple close friends but they’re both very busy with kids and their own lives. My family same thing. And nobody ever asks how I’m doing anymore. I guess it’s normal people assume you’ve just moved on and you’re ok. So I just feel like I’ll be so alone in my own. I am trying to build up a bigger support system.

I miss loving someone in a mutual romantic relationship. I enjoy giving and loving someone in that way. But it’s not there with my husband at this point. And he’s a constant reminder of what I had and now I don’t.

Have you shared this with your husband, in a way that was strictly communicative and not manipulative? Like you’re not trying to make him feel bad or change something he’s doing, instead like you are talking to a friend? Out you are talking with your husband about someone at work. And you just need to be heard. No response required.

If you try it, he will most likely get his guard up, but ignore that. Just be heard. It’s an interesting experiment. It opens up a space for him to support you.

Yes I have told my husband exactly what I stated. He is not defensive and actually understands. He knows that he took me for granted and has no expectations at this point. He keeps saying he just wants a chance to love me how he should have all those years. I have been brutally honest with him even saying that I am not in love with him. And that I miss loving someone. I’ve seen a big shift in him over the last six months. Like huge. He really has been consistent in showing me love in very practical ways and asking for nothing in return. Actually he mostly gets anger from me in return.
He says he’ll keep trying as long as I’ll allow him to stay. He’s really grown so much in the past year and then once I found out everything I think he really just let go of the outcome and has put everything into it hoping that I can eventually forgive him and move forward. I am hoping with more consistency over the years that I can love him again. It’s just been so hard.

I get it. I’m also very angry that my WH ruined our marriage. More specifically that he destroyed the story that made us special. We are 10 mos out from day and I am still cycling every 2-3 days. I go from totally secure and feeling like his EA is about as important as what the pope had for breakfast to feeling incredibly sad and anxious and like his EA is the destruction of the entire world, it’s like death, nothing will ever be the same again.
More recently I have come to see that the marriage I thought I had is not the marriage I actually had. It sucks because it was a really good story, a story I relied on and one I thought would protect me. I have to let that go, I have to accept that what I thought I had I never really had AND I have to grieve for that thing I thought I had. Grieve for it, say goodbye and let it go.

I think he really just let go of the outcome and has put everything into it hoping that I can eventually forgive him and move forward.

Saltishealing, have you ever seen The Princess Bride?

Day after day, "Good night Wesley, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning"

Salt,

My WH trickle truthed me since 1978 regarding an affair. The lies in TT are hard to get past.

Just rip the bandage off, for the love of all things holy. Don’t kill me slowly.

Houseofplane yes I love princess bride! I’m probably dating myself with that haha.
That’s what my WH has been living the last year especially. I’ve given no guarantees and still don’t. I’ve told him I am not committed at this point. Not sure I ever will be like I was. I hate to say it but I’m doing what’s best for me. And if that happens to continue to be in the relationship then that’s what I’ll do but with no promises. I did that and kept my end of the bargain. I kept my vows.
Yes the trickle truth is brutal. I’m glad I forced the lie detector issue. I could have had a nagging in my subconscious for years and then found out ten years later. Awful. I’m seeing that in my betrayal group. Women finding out about affairs thirty years later. I hope you can find some peace 5 decades.

Houseofplane yes I love princess bride! I’m probably dating myself with that haha.
That’s what my WH has been living the last year especially. I’ve given no guarantees and still don’t.

Maybe go full Dread Pirate Roberts on him each night. "Today was good, you weren’t an asshole, I’ll likely divorce you in the morning."

Hopefully he will eventually respond with, "As you wish." 🙂