SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My woman of 27 years cheated. She had an EA with another man. They were getting ready to hook up before I found out.

The question is, with what form of infidelity are you willing to come forward with family? I confided with me best buddy/brother.

But I am too ashamed to tell me family.

Your take?

Thanks

[This message edited by NiceGuysFinishLast at 3:24 AM, Friday, March 8th]

I think you have to be careful with this. The last thing you want to do is use this information as a weapon against her. Revenge never helped in these situations, IMO.

At the same time, you have the right to tell whomever you need to tell. Your best buddy? Absolutely. Family and close friends? You bet. Did she tell you in advance she was going to cheat and/or get back with her AP? No. So why do you need her permission to talk with people. The answer is that you don't need to let her know in advance or afterward anyone you've spoken to about this, simply because she didn't extend you that courtesy to you to begin with. And, you can bet the farm she has told some of her friends what she's been up to and made you look like a moron.

I think it's totally fair for you to tell whomever you wish. Again, not for revenge or to embarrass her, or anything like that. You probably should tell the family before she does. If she goes first, she will paint you as a horrible person that "drove her to it." You will be on the defense trying to convince the family you are not what she described. By spilling the beans first, it puts her on the defense to attempt to defend her decision to cheat. She will squirm in her seat, and that may not be such a bad thing.

I am very sorry you're going through this, NiceGuy. Some people have found that family will encircle you and the WS in hopes to help address the issue in the WS and comfort and aide the BS. Other times, family members are known to take one side or the other and treat the spouse they disagree with as crap. It is a gamble, but I think if you present it in the right way and in the proper situation, you will be positively received and she will have some questions to answer.

Good luck!

There were a few people that I shared my situation with that I now regret. I often wonder what they are thinking when I show up to an event or party hand in hand treating my wife like nothing happened. To be honest I rarely hold my wife's hand or even kiss her in front of anyone I shared any information with but I was desperate for support at the time and reached out so my advice is don't be in a hurry to go global on your situation plus people have big mouths and those people have children with big ears and they too may share what they have heard so on and so forth.

Depends on your goal.
If you plan to divorce you don’t have to say anything more than you want to.
"Hey Nice, why are you and Mrs Nice divorcing?"
"Hey friend – not really any of your business"
Or "I caught her in inappropriate contact with another man"

If you plan on reconciling… basically the same.

Just remember words have consequences, and those can both be postive and negative.

If your hope is to R, don’t be the betrayed who minimizes the consequences of the betrayer’s choices. No consequences means a much higher chance of recidivism. And consequences are NOT punishment, but the natural outcome of choices, and they serve to constructively impact the betrayer to convince them not to repeat their evil choices.

But I am too ashamed to tell me family.

So this is the type of shame that we feel from when someone does something to us. It’s very normal, and as far as I can figure, it’s very unhelpful. Like if you think about a woman who was sexually assaulted: she often feels ashamed, but any sane external observer would tell her she did nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of. Her attacker should be ashamed, all the wrong lies on him.

You are the victim of this, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

To the question of who to tell, I agree with others, ask yourself what your goal is. If it is to bring them into your support structure, then you should do so without hesitation, you need all the support you can get for this trauma. If it’s for spite, I’d think on that for a few days because you can’t unring that bell. There are multiple other reasons you might have as well. Know what you are trying to accomplish and then make a choice on whether sharing this information helps you meet those goals. But holding back your options because of misplaced shame, that can only hurt you and I hope you don’t do that.

I too was too embarrassed to tell many people. Now, I'm no longer embarrassed but I'm glad I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I told who I needed to tell. I'm very close with most of my immediate family BUT we typically do not share these types of issues with them. And that's okay.

I would suggest waiting if you are not sure - you can always tell people but you can't un-tell them.

Who in your family are you thinking of telling? Parents, kids, cousins, other?

What's your goal?

Shame is normal. It's very easy to blame yourself for your partner's cheating. It's almost impossible to avoid thinking that your WS cheated because of some lack in you. The thing is: your partner cheated because of their own issues, not because of issues in your relationship. The shame belongs to the WS/WSO. They cheated because of lacks in themself.

That doesn't help the BS much, though. A BS needs help from a good advisor, or the BS needs to keep telling themself the shame they feel is false, until they believe it.

*****

To Bigger's suggestions on what to say, I'll add, 'I didn't like her boyfriend.'

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:00 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

I'm almost divorced, so take this for what it's worth...

I told all my close friends and family and requested he tell his family, which he did. I also told everyone I worked with (it was a small, close-knit office) including my bosses. I did not post on social media, which I rarely do anyway. It's been over a year and I will still tell anyone where it's relevant, such as when I told my new colleagues I am getting divorced, or new friends.

I decided, from the day he told me, I would NOT let his shame be mine. That doesn't mean I haven't felt shame, but by telling the truth to everyone I found a lot more support than I would have guessed and have learned about a lot of people who experienced infidelity that I did not know about prior.

Telling people has helped me to deepen new friendships and not feel like I have anything to hide. I personally believe shame grows in the dark and so, by telling people, I am reducing the amount of shame I ultimately feel. I've also been able to educate people about the nature of affairs...they are not always the result of an unhappy marriage (I thought we were happy) or growing apart (we spent all our spare time together). Whether people believed me or not, I don't know, but at least they are more equipped if it happens to them or a loved one in the future. Finally, I didn't really know anyone who had been through this, so I had no where to go. Now, anyone I've told will at least have me if they end up in this terrible club.

The question is, with what form of infidelity are you willing to come forward with family?

What would be the purpose? It is a matter that is within your couple and unless YOU NEED those people to help you, why do they need to know? Is it really THEIR business? Your wife has done something really bad. Do you need to go that low yourself by letting people know?

I remember the motto of a school and I believe it applies to all environments: IF IT IS NOT NICE, DON'T SAY IT!!

When we got married we were Catholics (we are not anymore) and I remember vividly the reading from the new testament. It said "Compete to praise each other...Never repay evil with evil,
but let everyone see that you are interested only in the highest ideals.....Never pay back one wrong with another one; instead, pay back with blessing. ...Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

SO for me becoming as evil as a cheater is not something I want. Make your choice.

You can tell WHOEVER you want to if you are need of support and it is not vindictive or make you become as evil as a cheater. I'm sorry but the two just are not comparable in level of evil.

There is absolutely nothing inherently evil about telling other people about the affair. It can be a very ethical thing to do, depending on the purpose of the disclosure.

And nice is for Hallmark cards, has no bearing on these serious matters.

What would be the purpose? It is a matter that is within your couple and unless YOU NEED those people to help you, why do they need to know? Is it really THEIR business? Your wife has done something really bad. Do you need to go that low yourself by letting people know?

Nope. Nope. Nope. It's one thing to rent a billboard or a megaphone for the sole purpose of inflicting public humiliation. Maybe THAT is vindictive (not that it would not be justified). But OP here is talking about telling his own family about what is going on in his life. That's not about punishment, that's about him being honest and being able to lean on his own family for support during one of the most awful experiences of his life. As a BS who is literally here to talk about your own spouse's A, certainly you must understand that. Not only does keeping the secret, prevent OP from getting support and guidance, in the circumstances, not talking about it may require him to avoid family/friends or lie on behalf of his spouse. No BS is required to do that.

Simply telling the truth to people with a vested interest in your life (like your family) isn't wrong. Talking about the A isn't wrong. . The fact that you believe that it is worries me. Are you under the control of your spouse? Has he prevented you from speaking with others? Do you actually believe that after your spouse's A, you should be competing to praise him? I hope not. If someone wishes to be honoured, perhaps they should act in an honourable manner.

Let's put it another way. If person A murders someone, and person B knows about it and does nothing or lies about it when questioned, person B can be criminally charged for being complicit in the crime (or covering it up). There is no honor in that. OP is not required to be complicit in his wife's A - especially not to his family.

Molly, you are free to your own opinion and to do whatever YOU want in your own life. You are also free to interpret your former faith in whichever way you wish, but (speaking as a member) I would remind you of the Guidelines of this site which prohibit religious debate.

Hi NiceGuys,

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

InkHulk makes a great point. YOU have done nothing wrong. YOU have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing you did or didn't do made her cheat, so her actions here are in no way a reflection of you.

That said, I didn't say anything to my family either - they don't live local to me and I don't see them all that often so it was easy to hide. At first it was because I was leaning towards considering R, and I was deeply struggling with the critical voice in my OWN head telling me that I would be weak if I stayed. Like many others people who have never been involved in infidelity, I believed dropping a cheater immediately was the only correct way to handle infidelity .... until I went through it myself. When it actually happened and I was actually considering giving him another chance, I knew that hearing that from others would make the choice (for me) to stay even harder. Then when I was dipping my toe into R, I didn't tell them because I wanted to wait until I was a bit more secure in my decision. I told myself that if I was divorcing, I'd tell them in a heartbeat.

Time passed and R was going well and even though it was far away, I knew in that first year that we were going to be one of the ones that made it. At that point I didn't tell them because I didn't want it to change their opinion of him (or of me, if I'm honest). By that point, enough time had passed that it wasn't the only thing on my mind 100% of the time like it had been at the outset and it felt nice to have a break from it all when we went to visit. Ultimately I do not regret keeping it closer to my chest. I was very cognizant of the fact that once it was out there, I couldn't put it back in the bottle. I didn't want my ego to be the one making the decisions or making R harder than it already was.

That said, I didn't sit with it entirely by myself. I had a few friends I trusted and talked to. People I knew would not judge me regardless of what I eventually chose. My husband's family knew, and that was nice. They love us both and were big supports in R. I had a counsellor and a MC, and of course SI.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong choice, unless that choice is to keep it ENTIRELY to yourself. I do think it's important to have some support people that you can talk to as you navigate this. You know better than we do whether your family is likely to be supportive of you or your spouse, regardless of what you choose to do. Not all families are created equally.

I myself have only reached out to my best friend who is like a brother to me. He was a counselor at the Ca State Prison system.

I was embarrassed to break the news to him. He was as devastated as I am.
He has always been there for me. He now drives truck in the lower 48, so he has his Bluetooth on, and we dice things up for hours.
Not just these matters. God Bless him!

As for now, I am contemplating calling my wife`s two sons (my stepsons) I even told her I had half a notion of having a talk with them She didn`t like the idea, and I wouldn`t either if I were her. What a shameful thing she did.

I think I am going to wait and see how this plays out before I decide who else I tell, if anyone.

I don`t want to tell my brothers because, if we R. Going forward my wife would be "tainted" in my brother`s eyes, plus my elderly mother would find out, and probably not wake up from her sleep. So, NO I am not telling my family.

I told my close family. There was no hiding that something was wrong with those close to me. In the beginning, I had people in grocery stores and restaurants ask me if I was ok. Our parents had passed, so that was not an issue.

Based on what I've heard from others, if you're going to focus on R, then you may want to not overshare.

I only told my best friend. It worked for me because there was no fog for her to come out of.

My SIL’s husband has had multiple affairs. I know it, she doesn’t know I know it.

If I didn’t know it, I would just think she was just a cranky hate-filled woman embittered by life in general. Instead, I understand how she feels.

She is living two lives, (just as her husband was during the affair). It’s exhausting and only partially successful.