Here’s the deal; I’ve been with my wife 20+ years, married 14. I am 41, she is 38. On March 2nd, roughly 2 weeks ago, I learned she had slept with her male friend sometime back in October ‘23. Until now my wife has adamantly declared her loyalty and lack of respect for "cheaters". She says it was a mistake, just the one time, she has cried about it and wishes she could take it back (the usual things) and has, since confrontation/confession, cut off the guy completely. Here’s where I would like some input.
Initially I said our relationship was over, no other option or chance. After a sleepless night where I cried, raged, and contemplated all my life choices; I realized one major point. I still loved her deeply and maintain that to this day. Now I have seen here and other places where it is recommended to take time, months even, before deciding on reconciliation or divorce. I can almost certainly say, to wait that long would for sure end our relationship. The "separation" time before we decided would create too many questions and issues by itself. So, because of that but mostly because I just want my wife back, we are trying to reconcile.
Reconciliation so far:
To start I have to say we have felt closer now than we’ve been in many years. I have become much more attentive and appreciative of her and she has shown me more affection than I used to see for months at a time. I’m sure part of it is the shock of what we’re dealing with and the reaction to make up for betrayal and failure. But after some long and hard conversations we both agree that we want to remain together and still love each other. Also recognizing there is a LOT of emotional repair to be done.
My question(s) I guess is/are this; what is your overall opinion of how it’s being handled? What are some red flags to look out for? Any tips or resources (besides this site, such as apps or books) you would recommend? What else can I expect? And how do I balance having zero trust while trying to repair/encourage a healthy relationship?
Thank you in advance for input/advice. I’m sorry you’re here too and I hope your healing journey is going well. I still have more dark days than not but I’ll survive.
EDIT/QUESTIONS:
Her answer to “why?” -I was already questioning the closeness of their relationship. When I really pushed it, she cited my own “past history” and claimed I must have something going on which I was projecting to her (I didn’t). She demanded access to all my accounts (no problem) and found an old online conversation I’d had with another guy. It was a very explicit conversation regarding things my wife and I had done and things I’d still like to do with her. She said she felt betrayed I would reveal such intimate details about her regardless of how “anonymous” I thought it was. Add to that (my opinion) she felt I was neglecting her (our thoughts differ on this) and a “suspicious trip” I made to a bar. She said she was mad and suspicious and implied she acted out.
Do I know it was a 1x thing? No. The only reason I kind of believe it is this; the whistle blower was the gf of AP (hang on) who is married (to someone else, open relationship) and who he told when it happened. She said their relationship is open like that and she believed him when he told her it was only the once. Basically, stories match and this other person has no reason to lie about it. Doesn’t make it true I know, just that she believes it.
Timeline? No. I have asked my wife for a date of D-day and as yet haven’t had a response. I don’t want or need any more than that. I’ve made it clear that at any time, if I find out more than what’s been confessed, it will be the end for us. Basically come clean now or risk skeletons ruining a good thing later.
[This message edited by AHSQU1RR3L at 10:12 PM, Monday, March 18th]
