Topic is Sleeping.
AHSQU1RR3L (original poster new member #84571) posted at 5:28 AM on Tuesday, March 19th, 2024
Simple question this time. How do you deal with the overwhelming grief!?
I’m fine one minute, get through my day, act normal. And then night comes and I’m drowning! I can barely keep a straight face at home. Weights don’t help, drinking doesn’t help and I’m terrified my kids are gonna catch on that something’s off.
I can’t stop seeing her and him together in my head! The hole in. My chest isn’t shrinking at r stopping and it feels like I can’t breathe!
She’s seen me cry and, while comforting, seems to act like "been there, done that, this is your turn." It’s been over 20 years since I cheated, we were dating and kids ourselves. I don’t mean to diminish her pain then, what I did was horrible. But we’ve been married for 14 years! What was the point!?
I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT MYSELF! Let that be clear! But damnit… I want the pain to stop!!!!
standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 6:29 AM on Tuesday, March 19th, 2024
Don't look too far ahead, just get to each minute at a time. You get through one minute, can you look ahead one minute to get through that. That is how I dealt with it, one second, one minute, one hour, one day.
Get professional, counseling, and help if you can. It can help break up the craziness that your mind is dealing with.
Exercise may help some people, I found it did not help me.
Honestly, total exhaustion probably helped me more than anything else.
FBH - Me - Betrayal in late 30's (now much older)
FWS - Her - Affair in late 30's (now much older )
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled BUT!
annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:59 AM on Thursday, March 21st, 2024
Please meet with your MD for some temporary medications to help you cope if you are having difficulty. There's no shame in asking for help.
What you are experiencing are mind movies, unfortunately they take a long time to go away, honestly it doesn't seem like your wife is truly remorseful or understands the devastation she caused.
What is she doing to help you heal?
Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:26 PM on Friday, March 22nd, 2024
I can’t stop seeing her and him together in my head!
YES you can! It takes time and a LOT of work...but you need to change your mindset on this from the negative (can't) to the positive (can). What worked for ME was that when something about the adultery co-conspirator entered my head...instead of ruminating on it...I would change my thoughts to something positive...mostly my grandkids 
.
I am NOT talking about rugsweeping. I am talking about the mind movies...those thoughts that YOU are conjuring up that are all made up in YOUR head that just keep growing and getting worse than what may have actually happened. I was one of those people who had to know EVERYTHING...positions...tastes...even how the adultery co-conspirator's vagina looked like 
. Once I found out just how VANILLA things were...I realized my mind movies were actually much more creative than the reality 
.
Of course...we will never know everything. BUT...and you will know this as a MH...even YOU didn't know everything from your A's did you?? My H had HIS truth...the adultery co-conspirator had HER truth...and then there was THE truth...that they both USED each other to get their own desires met.
Even YOUR experience as an adultery co-conspirator will be different than the adultery co-conspirator of your wife. So please don't project your feelings onto what he was feeling. The ONLY thing that is a given is that both people in an A USE each other for SELFISH reasons. PERIOD.
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, March 22nd, 2024
The only way to make the pain stop forever, IMO, is to face it, experience it, and process it out of your body.
As BS, you've been swamped by anger, grief, fear, and shame. It takes time and effort to process it. A good IC can help. Meds can help, too, but a good IC is likely to be permanent, and meds temporary.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
RecklessForgiver ( member #82891) posted at 3:52 AM on Sunday, March 24th, 2024
I agree with Sisoon, even if it is not what I want to hear;
The only way to make the pain stop forever, IMO, is to face it, experience it, and process it out of your body.
It gets better. But it’s a journey. 13 months later, I get through days just fine and WS is doing the work, but nights like tonight, I am still in the valley and feeling the pain.
The difference is that I know it will pass.
i know a I am strong enough to survive it.
When it’s bad, I REMIND myself that it is my strength and resilience that made my current path possible,
You are so much stronger than you know. You endure. You persist, You grow,
Topic is Sleeping.
