^^^ THIS.
I'm sorry, Sisoon.
I *totally* get it, for what that's worth.
I've often said on SI and IRL to the few friends 'in the know' that the sexual/physical and/or romantic/emotional infidelity is but one symptom of a broader spectrum of problems, dysfunctions and ongoing issues. Infidelity really doesn't 'come out of nowhere' and it is most certainly *not* 'an aberration.'
It is part of a pattern, a pattern of:
behavior,
coping mechanisms,
FOO trauma,
acting out past damage,
acting out current damage,
dysfunctional self-soothing mechanisms,
perhaps even, in the worst cases, baked in character traits and personality disorders,
countless other factors.
Show me any one, any random, any assortment, any type of sexual/romantic infidelities, give me five minutes to peer into that relationship, and I will show you a myriad of other non-sexual, non-romantic betrayals, inconsistencies, dishonesties, broken promises and abandonments commited by that same wayward, most often aimed directly at the betrayed partner, sometimes exclusively so, while the wayward, in the salad days of his or her life, sashays about in a billowing red cape looking like a superhero to the world and everyone else in it.
Ask me how I know. =/
Dare I say it?
My husband's actual physical, sexual infidelity honestly amounted to nothing in the long run- except that it even happened at all, and that it happened under those particular circumstances.
Sexual/romantic fidelity was the last bastion of exclusivity and differentiation that I/we had left in our relationship by the time I found out about that sexual indiscretion, many years later, only SURPRISE! it wasn't. Husband had blasted through that boundary and had defiled that sacred space years earlier, I simply didn't know it. =/
Fortunately, he felt badly enough about it in the aftermath that he didn't punch that bright shiny red dopamine button again.
Unfortunately, that didn't change his basic baked in FOO programming as an overcompensating people pleaser, trying to find some emotional and psychological relief from the narcissists in his life.
So we had no further incidents of sexual infidelity, but the tire tracks on my back have tire tracks from being thrown under countless buses 'in service of others,' i.e. kibbles/validation seeking. Hubs was not able to tolerate even the idea that someone, other than me, might be unhappy with him.
I'm *still* working on that aspect.
???
How come it is *so incredibly intolerable* to Hubs for *any other random person in his life, including near strangers and complete strangers,* to be even slightly displeased with Hubs,
and yet it is COMPLETELY FINE to disregard, devalue, disrespect, betray, abandon ME- HIS WIFE, THE PERSON WHO SHARES HIS BED, THE PERSON WHO BORE HIS CHILDREN, FED THEM FROM MY OWN BODY, RAISED THEM, HONESTLY FINISHED RAISING HUBS HIMSELF, HAS STUCK BY HIM THROUGH THICK AND THIN, HAS BEEN A CONSCIENTIOUS, FRUGAL, HONEST AND INDUSTRIOUS STEWARD OF HIS RESOURCES- how is this even OK in his mind?
How is it OK to push on me, to take from me to give to everyone else, to violate my boundaries to the point where I am livid and screaming, because some random person made a bid?
How is it more acceptable to disregard, disrespect and abandon *me,* and give *everything* to various and random persons just because 'they came knocking'?
Or, 'well this is what is expected'?
Or, 'we've just always done it this way'?
The only thing I've been able to figure is that, with Hub's damaged psyche and emotional immaturity (his FOO is a real piece of work ) Hubs thought that I was an extension of him, and he treated me accordingly.
He had no true, integral self esteem and he assumed the same for me.
He had next to zero boundaries and he assumed the same for me.
In fact, I've often said, over decades, that I am the only person to whom Hubs can say 'No,' so he does so- often.
Honestly, that's probably due to an off balance, healthy-ish relationship model- Hubs *can* say 'No' to me; this is the place on earth where he feels the safest, so he overcompensates here. And in the meantime, he's reaching into my bucket and handing out things that belong to me and to us, and giving them away like Halloween candy and Christmas stocking stuffers, for ego kibbles, to keep other people happy, to avoid conflict, to get people out of his face.
Sisoon, I hear you.
The bullies and 'mean girls' and attention seekers and narcissists in our lives took full advantage of that weakness, of our weakness.
It made them feel strong, even though they were, they are, not.
They took, stole, appropriated, weedled, snatched, demanded, precious things from both of us, from each of us, things we will *never replace or get back,* and they laughed at us all the way home.
And then they came back for more.
Why not?
It was, brutal.
Honestly, I'll probably never get over it. =(
Hubs very clearly sees and understands this pattern now, this dysfunctional coping mechanism, baked in by the FOO.
He is deeply embarrassed and disappointed in himself, unfairly so, IMHO. Obvs he did not get here by himself.
Unfortunately, recognizing a dysfunctional behavior/coping pattern does not immediately bestow healthy alternatives.
LOLOL, IF ONLY, OMG.
It's been up to me, initially, to slam down, *and I do mean, SLAM DOWN,* long overdue boundaries, and perhaps more importantly, appropriate consequences for shit behavior, shit treatment, and lack of respect.
I had to model *this particular kind of strength* to my husband.
I had to 'love' him in a slightly different way- a way that initially made him *very uncomfortable and unhappy.*
His baked in 'comfort zone' was, and had been for some time, a Misery Stew.
I started saying 'NO!' like that was MY JOB...
...BECAUSE IT WAS.
I kicked bad actors, narcissists, users out of my life and out of our lives wholesale, without mercy.
Ultimately, Husband decides what relationships he will have in his life- to the point where that intersects with *our* life.
Fuckers do NOT get automatic and unfettered access to *me* because of whatever 'No Boundaries' relationship they managed to establish and enforce and exercise with Hubs.
My boundaries begin with my name, with my physical person (your rights end at the tip of my nose, and YES, members of Hub's adult FOO have *actually put hands on my equally adult body* in social situations to coerce me into actions and behaviors that they desired) and with this property line, my name is on the deed too.
I had to model The Ultimate 'Fuck Off.'
The good news?
It. Worked. Well.
Hubs not only saw that *he* didn't 'end' by saying no, any or some form of no,
that we didn't 'end' by saying no,
we weren't vaporized into the ether,
He *finally* was able to experience some relief from those lifelong toxic clowns.
That in itself was and is immense.
Hubs is in the process of speed learning boundaries, and the relief for both of us, and for our relationship, is palpable.
We do not miss the toxic clowns.
We miss the people they *could* have been in our lives, maybe even *should* have been (that 'should' word, I know...) but we do NOT miss, them.
Good riddance, *finally.*
Sisoon, I say this with all sincerity, as someone who has served on boards, and Hubs has served on boards too (in an ironic twist, these baked in dysfunctional patterns often contribute to a life of service, even if 'service' sometimes involves positions of authority/power)
and we have both worked with and interacted with boards extensively,
'The Board' is not the boss of you.
'The Board' and the members thereof are not the boss of your wife.
Being on 'The Board'is by its very definition a position of service.
'The Board' is quite literally there, *it exists,* to serve YOU, the property owner.
Furthermore, physical intimidation is illegal and also, legally actionable.
Your wife may not have the tools in her repertoire (yet) to deal with bullies.
You, as a property owner first and foremost in this situation,
and as a husband,
and as a friend,
may need to step in and model boundaries for her.
Just MHO, and YMMV, and you obvs know your situation better than I do. <3
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 10:25 PM, Sunday, March 24th]