Just need to rant to my SI community!
This picks up from my posts on "Fantasy Story"
Part of my boundary set after the discovery of my WH's fantasy story was to resume MC along with scaling back on the non-sexual touch besides hugs goodbye/hello, pat on the shoulder, etc. I described this as I'm comfortable with what would be comfortable with the kids.
So we had our first session of marriage therapy after several months on Wednesday night. This therapist has an EFT background, trauma experience, and states has betrayal trauma experience specifically. All that to say we won't be seeing her again and I finally found an APSATS Coach within our price range that will be starting on 4/18.
The session started with me expressing some of my goals and pivoting from our previous work of EFT to more specifically navigating expectations. My husband then updated her on how much better things were going and all that is he doing, growth, work, and on and on. She was so happy for him and he was so happy for himself. It bothered me to see how happy he is with his growth and for her to validate this and be so happy for him, although I don't expect that to be different. He has been working hard and made a lot of changes so he should be happy with his growth and she should validate that. What bothers me is I'm the downer. I have to come in and say that's all great but I'm feeling triggered and bothered about this fantasy story. I explained why/what was triggering and my trust is not there. She validated me as well and so did my WH. Then that was that. No guidance or support on healthy boundaries and expectations. I needed to hear a confirmation that writing a fantasy story about a fictional coworker is concerning and that the fact he didn't disclose that story nor the fact that he didn't seem bothered about entertaining another co-worker situation is concerning. I broke down later that night in tears. I am the downer, he celebrates his accomplishments and is so optimistic, and then when I bring up concerns he is deflated and dejected and so the toxic cycle continues. I am doing a much better job not consoling him when he is dejected so that is a good step. But what I need is actual guidance and a plan so hoping coaching is a better fit for this work. I will do trauma work individually. He did a good job not avoiding and listening to my breakdown and asked how he could support me, all good....until the next day.
I had an annual physical and talked to the Dr. about my nightly heart palpitations (getting a monitor) but we discussed this is likely due to stress because my blood pressure and EKG is normal. Told WH about this and he was concerned, let me help limit stress, etc.
I told him I found an APSATS coach and he was happy. He started talking then about if maybe she would encourage us to have sex at least on occasion so help with needs/expectations. I didn't engage. Later before bed, he said he misses the non-sexual touch and he is feeling like he is losing his libido. I didn't engage.
SO MUCH for helping me reduce stress. He is so preoccupied with sex and my getting his needs met. I know it's been 8 months but I am not ready nor attracted to him yet.
Anyway, not sure if I'm asking anything or just venting. I vacillate between wondering if I'm being stubborn and punishing him or holding the power to understand I've been betrayed and this is a normal response and I need to listen to my body, heart, and mind. I've been having duty sex, obligatory sex, and managing his mood sex for years. While it was always enjoyable for me I just can't have sex for those reasons anymore, ever, at all. He is moping and dejected today and I'm working very hard to stay grounded in myself.
I heard him grunting while lifting weights and felt so irritated and disgusted by it.
I feel like a different person now. I just feel sad a lot. I'm trying to pour energy into myself and am working as hard as I can on myself but it's not translating into healing the relationship yet. Not sure it can if that is what he is preoccupied with.
End of rant for now.
