SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So long story short, I was extremely angry person not physically abusive just verbally.

Wife began an affair with her manager at work. She denied it then I found her secret email by putting a keylogger on her computer and she eventually admitted to an emotional affair with her manager. But nothing happened... blah blah he wasn't even aware... blah blah blah. Begged me not to contact his wife he was innocent.

Turned out to be more which she denied anything happened for 18 years.

Long version

I have been going back and forth the last events in my head. I recognized her affair was happening/starting/just forming pretty close to when it it did start. My wife assured me nothing was going on she had no boyfriend was not having an affair.

I was in Iraq when I asked her about it and she denied. She actually confided that she was unhappy with me and wanted changes when I got back and I did realize she was right we made plans for change. Then I found her lies when I got back and it pushed me into further anger depression and recklessness.

Well after 12 or so years I can say I pushed it down and suppressed it. MC told us we were not to talk about the affair or my anger problems.

I self corrected most of my anger issues. And never once mentioned her affair to her. Although she was quick to point out my anger issues. I guess the MC figured it would all get blown over. I spent 5 years living with a women I hated. And learning to control my temper and actually understanding I was choosing to become angry.

My WW for her part did her best during that time. And eventually another 4 years of reconnecting with each other I did fall in love again with her.

I don't know how to explain, how when, or why. But I can tell you I began to fall into depression even though I didn't know it. I just noticed little things my wife was doing, I felt the need to spy on her again. It was never anything. But I would catch her in lies that were not even affair related. Just kept happening lies about trivial things I realized from the beginning of MC she would outright lie to me. I even asked her why she is lying I know (this small thing) is a lie. She just yell "you never believe anything I say"

A huge trigger I had and was not conscious of it even happening began a while ago. I was reading a story my wife was reading as she sat next to me on her phone. I'm sitting there realizing this is a really steamy read. I noted the title looked it up and finished reading it. It was a good read and I get why women are in to "romance novels"

I was having a hard time with and didn't know why. The premise of the story is, the wife ends up being seduced by her husband's boss, the husband is degraded and shamed for being worthless and the wife begins a happy affair with the boss. And she realized how worthless her husband really was.

It honestly took months for that hit me, I looked up her library on these story apps she had. Easily 1/4 of the storys fit this same dynamic. Multiple things happened during this time. I dug into her Google account. I found one time in her google account for MatchDOTcom I panicked and it drove that mental hysteria up 10 notches, I began logging all her calls and numbers she texted. Searching those numbers and writing them down. During my initial cancer diagnosis I was told,it looked like I had been exposed to hepititus B.

I confronted my wife at this point I calmed myself before and began to get a little hysterical when talking to her. She had no idea she promised and swore she had been good. She got screened that week also. I realize that Hep B can be contacted other ways. I had been vaccinated in the military also. And my immune system at this point was really weak.

A year and half goes by I have been in full on inspector mode analyzing her Google maps locations the car tracker locations. Searching for secret accounts, placing recording devices in her car and in her bag.

Nothing, I mean nothing not even an unkind word.

I broke down and wrote our history out, my wife's affair, her lies to me about it, her lies about non affair related lies and how told her I don't trust her anymore. I told her it hurt that I had to ask her to come to my cancer treatments I felt like she didn't care. She got mad about that, honestly the first 3 treatments I was alone, and you don't realize how much that matters till you see other people being supported. I joking told her I needed her to go so I could use the carpool lane.

She assured me she hasn't been involved with anyone since her AP years ago, she assured me she did not get physical with him. I asked if she used protection before I got that response. She was in my assumption with him for 3ish hours after work.

She straight up went into, I don't know what you are talking about... I never stayed late after work...

But I spent almost 2 hours looking for her that night she wasn't at work and I drove around the town area and never saw her car. I caught them at work once, him holding her hand and arm caressing her and softly flirting with each other.

And I got the same I don't remember that you might be miss remembering something else...

My spidey sense had just calmed down, when she told me that it instantly spiked.

I spent a few weeks crying on the internet to strangers found this site and never posted.

Go through her phone and socials she deleted her Snapchat and I have it logged in on my phone in case.

A few weeks after I'm going through her phone. I discovered another lie she had omited and covered up. It wasn't even affair related. I'm broken mentally, I filled out the divorce papers the next day. I'm just tired of being lied to. I snapped told her I was going to divorce her.

The next day I told her I did when she asked why I needed info from her.

"Not Just Friends" I had listened to it and it helped me realize a few things. I had been seriously depressed the last few years. I'm a touch over 40

1: I have constant acne on nose and forehead that wont go away for the last year no matter what i do,

2:I have a minor heart condition they found in my multiple scans and it's getting larger they told me it was stress.

3: I realized I was having more suicididal thoughts than I should.

4: I'm lay awake at night not able to sleep.

Well she actually listened to "Not Just Friends" she broke down crying said she didn't realize how much I had been affected. She broke down admitted she had been waiting in the far end of the parking lot that night for him. It was suppose to be their first time, he never showed up. She saw me driving around looking for her.

She answered all my questions, their flirting, groping each other at work, and their kiss. What they planned to do to each other that night. He told her when she saw him at work "I don't know what you expect from me but I'm not leaving my wife for you" she told him she didn't expect him to.

He tried to get her to meet up one more time and she said no and stopped the affair and requested to move departments.

It hurt but the relief I felt cannot be explained. I still feel hurt, but it's almost like I had been denied relief for all these years.

I still have the paper work. For the first time I feel like she is being honest with me. She promised me there hasn't been any other affairs.

I spent a week trying to contact him, I'm not mad, not seeking vengeance not gonna tell his family. I cannot find this guy anywhere. I mean the last presence on the internet was from over a decade ago no mention about him from his family public posts. Nothing, I felt a bit cheated I wanted to get something confirming her story. I figured he might want to go over board with the Bravado and was ready for that. But the other part of me figured he had the opportunity to be honest he might just do that.

Yah I found out why I cannot find him. He was arrested at work. He had been molesting a young girl from age 7-15. This is the same time period my wife was involved with him. I feel disgusted and angry. Had I not listened to myself and smashed his face in I could have got my anger placed in the right place for multiple reasons even if unknown. Yah I would have been arrested but his wife would of found out. I also regret not telling her to this day. She could have had the chance to to seperate herself from him earlier.

Anyway that the story of the angry idiot who loved, hated, became agreeable with, and loved his wife to a near divorce. (Maybe either way still)

P.S.

We went last year to her (informal adopted parents) best friends parents 50th anniversary.

The husband told me when he meet me that he didn't think too much of me and wouldn't amount to much also he figured I would bounce on my wife. I didn't have the heart to tell him I should have.

If anyone can learn from this I hope it helps.

Don't stay to stay.

Don't stay if your WS is lying.

Don't keep kicking the can down the road either.

I wish I had found this place and others sooner. Although I'm not sure if they existed in the mid 2000s, I never thought to look.

The few friends I informed, just told me there was no way my wonderful wife was cheating on me.

Currently

Looking for IC, Wife is also and MC, I told my wife I had been thinking of ending my life way more than I should. I think she got cold, thinking I was trying to guilt trip her. I learned something else, and I told my wife ,I told her because she is suppose to always be the one person I can tell these things to. And she can never know how much burden she lifted by being honest with me finally.

I would advise you to be very cautious, in thinking she's told you the truth. As you said, she's a liar,about big,and little, things.

Many cheaters claim there was no sex..it's an extremely common lie. And her saying he didn't show up that night, and then supposedly said that about his wife,the next time she saw him, reeks of her continuing to protect him.

Proceed very carefully.

Also, the mc who told you not to talk about the affair, or anger issues, did you a great disservice. Had you talked it through,you could have healed long ago. It would have saved you years of stress,and hurt.

I have not let my guard down lying to me.

I wrote it all down all my questions, her answers. I was honest and told her I was gonna ask them again in the future to see how much the story holds.

Then I asked her is she was willing to do a polygraph. She didn't hesitate to say yes.

I keep adding questions to the list as they pop into my head.

After reading your story, I feel that the only thing that’s going to bring you back down is a polygraph. Think about it.

A poly is limited to very few questions.

I'm really sorry you're going through these decades (well, 18 years) of depression and excess stress. IMO, that's the most important and urgent problem you have, and it's one you can solve irrespective of what your W does or doesn't do. A good IC can help. I urge you as strongly as I can that you make dealing with depression and excess stress one of your goals for IC.

Don't beat yourself up for staying. You made the best choice you could at the time. Now you know better. Forgive yourself for the 18 years - that'll make it easier to resolve depression and excess stress.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but it's eminently doable, and you'll be very happy you did it.

Thanks for the support, I am wanting to seek support about notifying his BS it took some time I found her, I just don't know if I should bring it up to her 18 years later?

I'd guess that about 1% (or less) of workplace affairs don't get physical.

Do to really think she's in that 1%?

No, I don't think I have gotten the entire truth. Her story is he never showed up so she waited 2ish hours in a parking lot in December.

I'm not blind to it. I also don't think she had any reason to hold back when she did tell me. It's actually becoming not 100 percent necessary if she does tell me at this point.

I'm gonna shoot the other BS a certified letter in the morning. Apologize for not telling her and give her low down if she doesn't know.

If you want true reconciliation, it absolutely matters if she's being honest. If she is still lying,she continues to be wayward. There's more to being a former ws,than simply not cheating. Total honesty is just as important.

Does she know you're telling his wife?

Yes she does, I told her, and showed her a copy of the letter. Sent certified mail.

I could be wrong, but my opinion is she thinks you’re bluffing about the polygraph and that’s why she answered so enthusiastically. Research it, interview some examiners and schedule one.
Once the clock is ticking I think you’ll see a different attitude.

Totally agree with OhItsYou. FOLLOW THRU WITH THE POLYGRAPH. But first do the following:

1. Give her 48 hours to WRITE a thoroughly complete timeline of all of her betraying thoughts, actions, and words with OM.

2. You keep a written copy but have her read the timeline to you. Watch her as she does this. Ask yourself: does she feel bad for YOU or just shame for herself (if she even feels shame) ?

3. One of the poly questions will be: is the written timeline 100% complete, leaving zero out from a betrayal and/or sexual standpoint? Also have her asked "Aside from OM, have you had ANY physical contact (this will be defined by the examiner) with any other men since you and OP were exclusive?"

Don’t skip this! There’s no healing without the full truth and I, like you, highly suspect you don’t have it all yet. You wife has already proven she’s a cheater. Yes it’s possible but it’s exceedingly rare for cheaters to truly reform.

She said she was worried because polygraph are not 100 percent accurate. Im gonna wait until next week the certified letter should arrive. If I hear back from the other BS and she knows more and can add the missing pieces. If not she needed to know. I don't know that she will believe me and I stated that, but just apologized for not coming forward and telling her when it happened.

[This message edited by Drix at 5:25 PM, Friday, May 3rd]

Did you hear anything to your letter?

First, she read "Not Just Friends," which is a big plus in your favor. That's a positive sign. However, having read it and still resisting the polygraph isn't a good sign. Many WSs here who have nothing to hide jump at the chance to have someone outside of the marriage validate their story.
Her story really doesn't add up, but you know this. Every second she withholds a fact from you she is continuing the A.
Be cautious.

No reply from the letter. Reached out and made a contact that knows the other BS. Nothing back on that either.

Are you planning to schedule the polygraph?

I am, I am also waiting for 3 things before that.

1. I want a few session of IC for her and some MC for us.

2. IC for me. So I can discuss specifically the polygraph and any other issues.

3. I want her councilor to have an impartial opinion to give about the polygraph, so my wife does not feel like it's just something I'm pushing her into. And vice versa, to make sure it's not something I'm not needing/ready/things I don't understand about it fully.

If I get an impartial ok she should do it from the councilor, and she refuses I will begin the divorce. The paperwork is ready to be submitted.

3. I want her councilor to have an impartial opinion to give about the polygraph, so my wife does not feel like it's just something I'm pushing her into. And vice versa, to make sure it's not something I'm not needing/ready/things I don't understand about it fully.

Why are YOU, letting your WW dictate what YOU want/need?

If anything, you can talk to your IC first about the pros/cons of a polygraph to address the second part of the quote.

By letting your WW decide, your are doing a version of the Pick-Me dance, by hoping she will say 'yes' to the Polygraph. If your WW were truly remorseful, she would have said 'yes' without making any qualifications.

By making qualifications, she is still in wayward thinking, as the WS always had a reason for their actions/inactions.