*Crossposted - please remove if not permitted*
Am I crazy to feel so betrayed? Am I crazy be open to reconciliation? Is my numbness concerning, is it a sign that I am done with him, or just that I’ve successfully detached? How is he supposed to earn my trust back when I thought we had successfully survived, only to be have my trust shattered again so long after? I am so lost right now.
Sorry, this turned into a novel!! I was a lurker during recovery from 1st DDay, and am a first time poster. What follows it pretty jumbled, but it is what it is.
12 Years ago my WH stepped out on our marriage with a prostitute while on a business trip. He told me immediately, and that was the day I learned what it was to truly feel anguish. It took a long time, a lot of pain and a lot of tears, but we did "reconcile" (what I thought was reconciliation - now apparently a false one) and - until last week - I thought we had come out with a stronger, closer relationship.
There had been a handful of slip ups on his end over the years in terms of breaking my trust (usually lies by omission, once having dinner (and sending non-work related texts back and forth) with another woman while on a business and not telling me), but to my knowledge (and with a high level of confidence) he has not violated our marriage again.
Fast forward to last week, I found a screenshot of a pornographic video in our shared photo album. I confronted him immediately in his home office. He said he was bored at the (non-home) office waiting for a video to render and was just passing time, it was only a few times, blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I have a vibrator, but I’m thinking about us, replaying our own intimate encounters. He admitted he was not thinking about me while watching those videos. He’s supposed to be working long hours to start a new company, but he hasn’t really being doing what he needed to to get it done (I’ve seen him do it well before so I have past experience). He had also been in incognito mode on google (I had suspected).
After screaming at him a bit, he went to his office. When we next spoke (the next evening - he didn’t come home until 11 the night of and only came home the day after because our daughter was hysterical wanting him to come home), I told him (calmly - it’s amazing how quickly I was able to get into detachment mode this time), that I felt this was an act of infidelity and a betrayal - he invited other women into our sacred marital relationship. I told him that I understood that there were circumstances (not an excuse) the first time (overwhelm, possible depression, travelling 5 days a week for 2 years) and that he had his own justifications, but that I felt he has shown now on more than one occasion that he is capable of crossing this line. I told him that I felt like my pain the first time wasn't enough to give him pause. He said he hadn’t understood the greater implications of watching pornographic videos and that now he truly gets it and won’t do it again. That he is ashamed he didn’t make the connection.
I’ve also told him he needs to show me he’s worthy of me, and is capable of giving me the only thing that matters to me in our relationship - a feeling of being safe and secure (this may seem unreasonable, but I’m the child of an alcoholic and have a good deal of CPTSD - it’s my cornerstone). I told him I consider our "first marriage" over, and that he needs to convince me to "remarry" him - and that our relationship & my trust is in his hands to fix this time as I’m focusing solely on my own healing and on the kids (10, 12, 13).
While D is not off the table, I am open to giving him a chance to R. Particularly as we just made an international move and I’m not ready to put my kids (or myself) through more upheaval unless it’s he doesn’t put in the work, but also because he really is the only one I’m willing to share my life with (if D happens, I’m getting 12 cats and a license plate that says 48 paws and will never remarry).
The first time around, I didn’t tell a soul (other than my best friend 10 years after the fact). I’m realising that last time, I was the only one that did the work to rebuild family and our relationship. He felt guilt and remorse, yes, and was more transparent, but we didn’t go to counselling (he said most counsellors don’t want to help reconcile just tell us to D). He didn’t really have any consequences (other than seeing me in pain, & having to turn off movies at times if I was triggered), and he got to go on with everyone thinking he was the perfect husband and that we had an enviably close relationship. This time around, I’ve told my close friends which has been so healing. He starts IC next week - I’ll be doing the same soon hopefully, and we’re looking for a marriage counsellor. He’s also working his butt off now and actually making progress and being accountable in terms of what he’s doing at the office and anytime we are not physically together.
I am pretty numb right now, and don’t know if I’m detached in a healthy way or in desperate need of help. The first few days were hard. I had suicidal thoughts on day 1 (truly no longer an issue now - I have a lot to live for and have embraced that he did this, not me), I cried a lot, and couldn’t look him in the eye. I also wasn’t able to eat (still can’t, though this is probably me feeling like I need to control something when everything else is so out of my control). But I’ve been pretty clear headed and detached these last few days (helped that I’ve talked to people and am now In The office full time).
My conversations with my friends (all psychologists lol) have helped tremendously, BUT it has also got me wondering about a lot of things. Again, I have realised how much rug sweeping I did the last time, and I also wonder if he really is the person I thought he was (brilliant, loving, high EQ, etc). I’m looking back and seeing a lot of gas lighting - he had said he feels like he’s walking on eggshells (well he is, there’s debris everywhere from my pain at what he did then and now. Put on some jungle boots and walk through it!), his unwillingness to try to better himself through mindfulness, reading etc (he didn’t have the mental space for it, his job was so demanding blah blah blah how could I ask that of him), and so much more. He now acknowledges this and I think he really wants to make it right this time and figure out (and fix) whatever it is inside him that has made him be capable of throwing everything away for something or someone that doesn’t really mean anything to him.
He is a wonderful father, and (for the most part) a really good husband. On most days I do count my blessings. I do hope that he does the work and that we reconcile (totally up to him, I’m not stepping in this time). I don’t hate him - I’m disappointed that someone so brilliant can be so stupid. I didn’t do anything wrong, this is his to fix. I’m an incredible human being and I deserve to trust my partner - the one person in this world that I have chosen to be apart of my life.
I guess, the long and short of it is that I’ve accepted that my pain, my soul, needs to be the first priority this time around - I’m the one that hurts the most and I can’t also take on someone else’s pain. I’m doing my 180. I feel like I’d like things to resolve, but don’t really care if they don’t (I’ll be fine either way, the fear is gone).
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for listening (reading).
[This message edited by BrainyUnicorn at 2:45 PM, Friday, May 10th]
