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So I just realized that one of the reasons my PTSD caused by the betrayal persists, is because I have not looked everywhere for the cause or solution.

In fact, it has taken years. Owningitnow’s post to me finally hit me. I have read the letters FOO so much in this group. I have somehow skipped over the part where it refers to BOTH the WS and the BS!

I have been digging into the psyche of my fWH’s FOO to figure out what would cause him to do something so devastating-but never once at my FOO as it could relate to the depth of my pain.

I cried all night and woke up crying. I wrote about one of the many painful experiences from my childhood. Each experience I have shared and accepted as part of my journey. I REALLY have dissected events of my past and have learned from them and worked through them. But I have never, until last evening, drawn a Direct line from events of the DDAYS/betrayal to events from my childhood.

Once I share this here it will likely make sense to all the members who have helped me. It’s an "ah ha" moment with a enormous dollop of "duh" on top.

I will share in the comment as it is long.

Parents separated when I was 5. I hadn’t seen him in what seemed like forever.

I don’t remember being sad but I do recall my father picking us up for hanging out. We had the camper and went on a road trip. I couldn’t understand what was happening but I remember feeling very uneasy. In retrospect I’m sure there was tension between my parents as they were trying to work through the marriage stuff.

We were living with my maternal grandmother and I remember it being at night when we were coming back home. My dad had bought me toys and I had lots of bags. My mother didn’t come upstairs with me and I didn’t like that at all. They stayed behind to talk.

I went inside to tell my grandmother about the trip and showed her my toys. She was helping me take a bath and I remember vividly feeling weird in my stomach and I turned to my grandmother and tried to explain what I know now was anxiety and impending doom. I did what I knew to do which was sing church songs.

At the time of my bath my mother was being attacked by my father. The doorbell rang and there was yelling and my grandmother opened the bathroom door, ran out-and left it open. I was in the tub looking out into the doorway and I saw them carry my mother down the hall.

I freaked out! I screamed and became hysterical and no one came to my aid because they were reviving my mother.

My first encounter with intuition and I hated it.

I remember thinking in my 5 year old brain that I could fix it. The way to fix it was to make my mother happy and to also punish my dad.

I got on the phone to call my father’s mother my grandmother and I told her what he had done and I was crying and saying that she had to punish him and that I needed her to tell him that I hated him and that he wasn’t my daddy anymore.

The next thing I knew to do was to get baptized. I really just wanted to do something for god so that he would make my mother feel better. So I got baptized. My mother watched in large sunglasses to hide her bruises. But as one could imagine my mother was still unhappy. She went through a deep depression and spent most of the time sleeping. I so get it now- but I felt hopeless. And I felt God hadn’t heard my prayers. This concept of reciprocity with me and God is a recurring theme. I felt God disregarded my good deeds and allowed my mother to be sad.

A few months later my mother transferred me out of the school I attended to put me in a boarding school. I was isolated after the trauma. In my mind my mother wanted to get rid of me because I looked like my dad. She wanted me gone to start a new life without me.

Well- that was not true at all. But because she didn’t tell me I created that scenario in my head. Our relationship suffered many years until my early 20’s when she told me the reason for sending me away and her moving from my grandmother’s house. My father had threatened to steal me from the public school and take me away from her. She was hiding me from him to prevent kidnapping. She was also hiding. Also- she wanted me to have a relationship with him!!!! I remember at 5 being so upset that she’d want me to still be friends with my dad.

Sooooo my mother betrayed me first.

And the similarities between my mother and husband are kinda scary.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you experienced those traumas.

Kudos to you. Owning it now is a sage and has connected many dots for me over the years.

I think IC might help you work through these. I think we and bs share some of the same journeys. We all need to heal, we all need to live ourselves more, many of us have to set new boundaries, some of us really came here not understanding boundaries.

Once you learn to have a good relationship with yourself, this will trickle into other aspects of your life, including enriching your external relationships. It’s hard work, painful work, but it’s so worthwhile. Wishing you peace.

My heart hurts reading this, Howcthappen. And at only 5 years-old? What a devastating event--followed by the loss of both parents from your life. I am so, so sorry. You seem to have been quite the intelligent and mature child to have understood and processed what was happening, even calling your grandmother about making it right and punishing her son. Wow! Just wow. It's like you grew up in that instant.

I am assuming your WH knew all of this, or did you kind of block out the details? It's not that cheaters are thinking about their BS because they literally never are, but how the hell could he not remember or realize that you had already suffered enough loss and betrayal (at least, that's the way you experienced it then) to last a lifetime???? Why the f@ck would he pile more onto you? But I know he wasn't thinking about that because cheaters minimize and justify what they are doing. It's how they give themselves permission to get their ego fix. But still!!!

Howcthappen, I spent years working on the fallout of my own FOO in IC. Essentially we had to talk about the hurtful memories and events, but then we had to address the thoughts and messages I had been feeding myself about those events. They were all toxic and hurtful to myself, of course. The "truths" I had come to accept about people not caring about me, about me being unlovable and less than, had to be unlearned. When I still felt triggered by my mom's nasty comments or triggered by my WH acting like my selfish mom, I had to process some of my most hurtful memories with EMDR. And those sessions seemed to finally soothe my hurts. I am like teflon now, just repelling what I do not believe or accept from the people in my life. I decide how I feel and who I am!

You have really, REALLY uncovered your underlying...well, everything--your hurt, betrayal, anger, desire for justice and punishment. Yes, what your H did is recent and acute, but it has also dug up all the old stuff. Now you have twice as much to talk about and dissect. If you do not want to immediately get into IC to start unpacking not only what happened but how you have been talking to yourself about what happened, you could try the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It's phenomenal, and every chapter has an exercise that helps heal. I did the exercises and found many of them useful. But like Hikingout said, a good IC is really going to help guide you out of this hurt.

When my IC first, even before I met my H, started talking to me about my childhood, I did not see what there was to talk about. I made a lot of assumptions about family and myself, so it didn't seem there were any untruths or hurts to get at. We were a normal family. I was a problem child. So sad, too bad, but everyone has issues like that. Maybe so, but what I didn't realize is that I had convinced myself of things that were a matter of perception, not truth. Sure, there are facts in life. But much of our emotional health is based on the way we perceive life, the meaning we derive from the things that happen. I had not realized the way my own thinking was my true enemy, far more than my mother or WH could have ever been. But that took an IC's guidance and support. She had to point out my faulty, hurtful thinking which often escaped my notice. Suddenly what had been perceived as a normal childhood with me as its toxic star became a difficult childhood with a damaged mother and codependent father who allowed her to do and say whatever. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. I had to deal with it if I wanted to be free.

It's odd that I feel so badly for you and so happy for you at the same time. I hate to see that you have been so good at keeping this from yourself, and now it's back and making you ill. I hate that you have to relive this awful trauma. BUT, omg, you get to re-evaluate this with fresh, adult eyes. You get to give your 5 year-old self the hugs and cuddles and affirmations and safety that she did not get back then because she was locked away for her own safety. The Big You WILL heal the Little You the right way this time. It feels so good! As stupid as the concept sounds, it feels really nice inside. (Big You, Little You is this corny but effective way of reaching back in time to give ourselves what we needed back then. You can look up the different ways to do it, but it's a method for healing childhood wounds and it freaking works!)

That's the part that makes me so happy for you, the part that knows the peace you will feel when you do this work.

When I first read your posts today, I started crying. I hate that such a young girl had to go through this. Then I remembered telling my IC, "But I'm afraid to get into all this." She asked why. I said, "I'm afraid I'll never stop crying or being sad." She said, "Nobody ever cried themselves to death. You WILL stop crying when the pain is all out." And I did stop. And the sun came out again.

You will stop crying, Howcthappen. You will get all the pain out, the old pain and the new pain with your WH. And you will feel lighter and happier than ever. And the sun will shine again.

Wishing you so much healing.

Sending many hugs.

((((((Howcthappen))))))

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:46 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

There is a lot more I could have said, but one thing is important: of course you have been vigilant and wanting to guard against secrecy and planning behind your back!!! How terrifying to have lived a situation where your whole life was decided and changed completely without your input whatsoever! And then nobody even told you the truth about why it happened until years later! It makes perfect sense that the idea that your H acted in secrecy behind your back is outright terrifying to you! How could the very thing you hoped to never, ever experience again have happened AGAIN?! That is some serious PTSD. Understandable and raw. Your vigilance makes So. Much. Sense.

I am so so sorry you experienced this. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. Confronting FOO and finding the ways that those emotions are triggered and tie into infidelity is no easy feat. Emotions and traumas from childhood can carry such deep pain that we feel at a child level. We repeat patterns we learned to survive childhood into our adulthood and further traumatize and inflict pain onto our inner child. I'm really glad you have started the journey to go through this. As hard as it is to do, it's worth it for healing, for showing up for your inner child, for learning and growing and changing the patterns and child messages like the one you mentioned you received when your mom sent you away. Awesome job in having the courage and bravery to tie this back to such painful experiences. I personally like to examine my past and FOO any time my emotions to something feel BIG. As soon as that happens I pause and check in with myself bc I know it's hitting something from my FOO. I take the time to process and connect and see if I can be self aware enough to find it and work through it. As others have mentioned, IC is a great help for this journey.

((((hugs and kudos to you))))

[This message edited by maise at 6:17 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

Thank you all.

The crazy thing is is that I addressed many of my childhood wounds already or so I thought. Like, getting to the bottom of the tension between my mother and me was done in my 20’s. So many other things you can’t imagine.

My mother was never affectionate to me. The fact that my mother remarried and had children again. My stepfather insisted that my mother become more demonstrative and affectionate with their children was hard to watch. But I poured love all over my siblings. Love my mother couldn’t give me.

My mother also seemed embarrassed that I witnessed what happened. I felt like "exhibit A" from the crime of her first marriage. She also seems jealous of me that I had the feeling to pray and get baptized.

I could go on but I’m easing in to it.

It’s not that I have revisited these wounds- it’s just I never thought they could be reopened.

I thought acknowledging the childhood trauma, accepting them, and addressing it was all that was needed.

I didn’t realize that it could be busted open and materialized all over again.

Owningitnow- you sound like me. I want you to know until your post I have been going through life very very diligently protecting my Little me.. seriously doing no evil so as not to "deserve" any pain

I chose people wisely. I am thorough.

I was on duty - I was protecting her this entire life of mine and gate keeping people who I let get close. Safeguarding my actions and making sure to "be the light" and not take any action that would displease the universe and God.

But the trouble is I was only controlling "MY " behavior to keep me safe…. Making sure I didn’t leave the pilot light on …. Little did I know my husband would douse me in alcohol and light a match!

I didn’t deserve it…..and that’s what kills me.

That’s why I am constantly checking- people think I’m doing it because I am trying to prevent him from cheating. No no no - it’s not that.

It’s that I dropped the ball for little me and I owe it to her to stay vigilant because no one was checking on her wellbeing.

Maybe the message to "little me" should include the bald fact that we cannot prevent all bad things from happening. All of our planning and protection can still fail to keep us safe. But, "big you" has "little me" covered when things go badly. Big you can comfort, nurture, listen to and help "little me" move forward. In a way that wasn't done for "little me" in the past.

Thinking that your vigilance should have been a hundred proof against pain or disappointment just isn't true. Adult you knows this. Little you need to know that too.

The failure was not you. Sometimes other people simply suck.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 9:41 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]