SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some days are so nice.
But more days are hell.

He has done nothing but try to be a better husband and dad. I walked in from laying by the pool and he was building our special needs child’s bed (she’s about to be 8, still 32 lbs!) so cute!

I loved it. He also let my niece who has a shit dad help build the bed and teach her to use a screwdriver. He did this on his own and because he wanted to really start changing and put us first. I melted.

Fast forward an hour later all I could do is imagine her with him. Imagine all the times he watched her nasty naked ass do whatever it is she did. He had sex with her every single time knowing it would kill our marriage , he did it and didn’t think twice about us…. He did mental gymnastics to make us not matter. His flesh and blood.

He quit the porn, quit his job, got in counseling, told his family , told our oldest daughter , what more could I expect? I want to know HOW he could do this , he can’t tell me. He just said he was out of his mind, he was depressed, he was insecure, he was a porn addict , he had issues , yes I know that. But he struggles with how he was able to hurt me , he says it was a double life and he would turn his brain off and on when it seemed appropriate depending on who he was with.

I don’t get it !

How does someone for 6 months live a double life? He tries to sit down and explain it to me and I can’t grasp the HOW , how can he hurt me like this? How do I let my pride down? I just can’t relate to being able to do something so horrible to someone else.
I feel like I’m nothing… I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He deserbes her , not me. I deserve better and this isn’t who I am.

Do I think he is changing? Yes
Do I think he would do again ? No.
Is he remorseful? Finally he’ll freaking yes.
Does he love me? He’s starting to now that the porn and other shit has been out of his life he’s like a reborn person
Does any of that matter to me ? Not really.

He should have fixed himself before he put me through hell.

Maybe I’m prideful? Maybe I’m stubborn?
My dad was in the icu for a week too so maybe that contributed to my I don’t give a shit mentality.

I don’t want to see my dad or anyone really bc h have no emotions to give, they are wasted on getting my ass out of bed for work and for my kids. I hate him for taking time away from my family , my dad is 63 and not in great shape. I just feel like he’s ruined my life , my past , and my future. Nothing is real, nothing is true, nothing is going to come and magically heal us. Nothing will make me see him in a good light.

Not sure what I’m asking per usual. Just my normal blahdy blah blah trauma dump.

Groot, I feel your pain. I’m at 3-1/4 years and just these last two weeks I’ve been seeing my wife’s AP’s truck and others peoples trucks of the same year and every time I see that Ford F-150 chrome grill, it reminds me of the times they would drive to parks to meet up where my mind has been replaying movies that my brain is directing depicting the things they did to each other, how much they enjoyed it, and how what this would do to me didn’t even matter. Sometimes I think what I’d like to hear(not really like, but hear her acknowledge) is that she did this because she thought I was cruel to her by not being intimate with her thereby justifying her affair. (I had my own mental/confidence issues I was dealing with at the time). That’s the reason I keep hearing in my head and to hear that would for me at least answer my question as to WHY. These times of flooding images used to really cause me all sorts of distress, but thanks to my work in IC, it’s now just more of a feeling of sadness and loss. My wife, indifferent to your husband, has not done the work. She has resisted therapy as she believes there is nothing wrong with her. She’s still blaming the marriage. I have come to accept that emotionally, I’ll likely never get what I need from her but I know I can get my emotional needs met elsewhere. I have some very good friends who give me the understanding and support for what I’m going through. Life sure isn’t fair and infidelity really really sucks. All I can do is focus on things that do make me happy and unfortunately this is pushing me away from my wife who I do truly love. Just keep going to IC and working on you. This is so difficult to get through, but one way or another we will get through it.

Oh Groot my heart breaks for you 💔

I agree, 6 months living a double right in front of you is unimaginable. But I think that is because we are who we are and they are who they are. We have a high moral standing and they are broken POS’s who don’t know how to adult or be spouses that are worthy of us.

This may be TMI but WH and I were literally in the middle of having sex the other night when I just couldn’t get pictures out of my head. That what he was doing with me he probably done with her. I just lost it, pushed him off me and cried like I hadn’t cried in a little while. I wouldnt let him touch me or comfort him. All this while sitting naked on a cold tiled floor (not my best moment 🤦🏽‍♀️).

But I just accept this as life now. Moments like this will come and go without me being able to control them. And I guess so has hubby. We both know that this is our marriage is now. I think at the end of the day we will remain married but in a way we are both settling. I am staying with a man who I don’t trust and don’t love like I used to and he is settling cause he is staying with me by and being fully aware of my feelings.

I’m not saying I think I can’t be happy this way because I think we can. We are being kinder to each other, we love raising our son, good sex life (now) and have fun times together. It’s just we don’t have the marriage or the husband I had first hoped for when I married him. He has now seen me the most broken I have ever been. He knows I wouldn’t survive it again. He knows if this happens again it will be over. There won’t even be a conversation.

We’ve all been in that mental anguish state. And will continue to do so with some of us more or less intensely.
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I feel your pain and anger and emptiness. That is what comes across to me.

Write it out, shout it out, yell if it helps.

We are listening. That’s what sharing is all about and bit by bit, emotions will rebalance.

Groot,

You're really stuck at this point focusing on "How could he do this???" and I totally relate to that--especially where you are in relation to how close you still are from Dday. I was still very much there even 10 months post Dday.

You ask "how?" and yet you are able to articulate his whys: he was depressed, he was insecure, etc. So, it's clear that knowing his whys doesn't magically help, yes?

I remember feeling that exact way. I remember my mind screaming: HOW COULD HE??? How could he DO this to us? To me? How could someone I trusted (and who I NEVER would have guessed could do something so very destructive) DO THIS???

Here's how I reached more mental peace:

Sadly, I had to embrace that it was never about me. When my husband betrayed me, he was totally thinking about himself. His mental gymnastics allowed him to justify what he was doing because it made HIM feel better, and he consistently blocked out the betrayal's impact on me. He was desperate to feel better about himself and completely self-focused.

Also, I had to shake off my own desire for magical thinking: I had to quit wishing it had never happened. I had to quit wishing time could magically turn back and I/he/we could somehow stop or prevent it from happening...or at least nip it in the bud in the early days of flirtation.

I had to accept:

It happened and it can't be changed. Full stop.

So, then I had to face the million dollar question: Knowing that it happened and can never be changed, can I live with that?

I also had to ask myself: Can I continue with someone capable of this? Someone who, when they were struggling, was capable of actions SO VERY destructive and self-centered?

Could my husband do enough work to make me feel that, when he was really struggling again (because that WILL happen at some point), he won't just slide back into self-focus and avoidance?

There are no "right" answers to these questions. They are too personal.

It's okay to divorce, and it's okay to reconcile. There is just getting out of infidelity, getting out of misery, and honoring yourself.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with the glaring unfairness of it all. It isn't fair. It sucks.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:50 PM, Friday, June 21st]

You are heard. I could have written this myself. My WH has changed so much in the last year. It wasn’t overnight but I know he genuinely hates who he was and wants to be a better person. Yet…I have the same thoughts. Mine also had issues with porn, attention seeking. Bleh. I hate it. So now he’s on a self discovery and improvement kick and I am left trying to piece my mental health back together. Why couldn’t he have figured this out before killing our marriage and hurting me so badly. Mine had one night stands for ten years off and on. So would he have hit bottom on his own and turned around?. No I don’t think so. He had to have severe consequences like the thought of losing his family. He would have continued his behavior.
I am over two years out and the mental struggle is still there. Be kind to yourself. I try to focus on my own growth and at times I can appreciate his efforts and feel some compassion for him. And sometimes I feel nothing for him at all. Just regret that I chose him as a spouse. It does get better with time but I think I’m in the pain of flatness that kind of goes up and down. I can have good stretches I’d say up to a week before I kind of get into my head again. Our marriage is odd right now. We don’t say I love you. Specifically because he said that all those years, we were very affectionate and said I love you a lot. I am not putting pressure on myself. I am not committed to him yet and I don’t know that I will be fully again. I’ve been very honest with him about that. The advice here is so good and has helped me. Therapy helped for a time as well. Big hugs to you. Your thoughts and feelings are normal.

Wow breaking bad what a good breakdown. Those are excellent questions and thoughts. I think I am stuck at the can I stay with someone that was capable of this. Right now honestly no I can’t. I’m not able to let him in. I am hoping with time that will change.

I'm seeing several posters in this thread also acknowledging that, if/when they stay, they have settled to some extent. Their marriage isn't what it once was, and it certainly isn't what they'd hoped it would be.

I think this is true. For me, I think we can be happy again, but this horror show will now always be part of the fabric of our marriage. When I focus on that, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I'm sometimes angry, and I even question my decision to stay (up to this point).

But I also know that leaving won't make it all "unhappen" either. If i left, I would still be sad, disappointed, angry that I'm a single person that this horror show happened to. Yet, that's not why I stay.

So far, I stay because I really do love my husband, and I do think we can get to a place where the joy will vastly outweigh the moments of sadness and disappointment about this part of our life together.

If I get to a place where I don't think that's happening or going to happen, I'll make a different decision.

Thank you all for your responses.

Such great insight here, I’m going to continue to give myself grace as hard as it is. I truly think I’m still stuck in the "I can’t believe this happened"

"This wasn’t supposed to be in my story"

I need to continue towards accepting this happened whether I want to or not.

I’m hoping there’s one day I won’t look at him and feel gross. Not sure it will come anytime soon.

They both are nasty.

At least today he’s nasty. Tomorrow I may feel different. Worst effing roller coaster I’ve ever ridden.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:38 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Keep walking your path, Groot. It really really does get a shit ton better than where you are at right now. Promise.

I’ll hold you to that one ink , I sure effing hope so.

I can tell a difference from now and the first 5 months. Those months I couldn’t ever do again. I would rather die , looking back I don’t know how I did it. It was like walking in my sleep …

I still hurt but I’m finding bits of happiness here and there before the A slaps me in my face. Rinse and repeat.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:32 AM, Sunday, June 23rd]

Groot,
I don’t know how to put this fancy in the darker text but here’s your quote:

How does someone for 6 months live a double life? He tries to sit down and explain it to me and I can’t grasp the HOW , how can he hurt me like this? How do I let my pride down? I just can’t relate to being able to do something so horrible to someone else.
I feel like I’m nothing… I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He deserbes her , not me. I deserve better and this isn’t who I am.

Do I think he is changing? Yes
Do I think he would do again ? No.
Is he remorseful? Finally he’ll freaking yes.
Does he love me? He’s starting to now that the porn and other shit has been out of his life he’s like a reborn person
Does any of that matter to me ? Not really.

He should have fixed himself before he put me through hell.

You are in my brain! Thank you for being the only person who could say this - I’m in tears. He has done the same things - sex therapy, IC, MC, quit drinking, new job, better at home- and all I keep thinking is why and how???? I made the mistake of asking how it actually started (the longest of the affairs) and that’s the part I replay the most - the standing close without touching the brushing past that led to groping etc etc - he had so many chances to stop. So why did it take getting caught by my child FOUR YEARS later to make him stop??? I’m dying.

Dandelion so thankful you found us but so sorry you’re here!

Yes with the so many chances to stop. There is no excuse for it.
The more my H tells me he loves the kids and I and would be devastated without us… guess that 6 month affair meant nothing? Of course it meant something. You could have stopped it at anytime but… nah.

Some days it hits me harder than others. Today is one of em

BreakingBad has it so right. My fWW's As really had nothing to do with me. She was able to do this by compartmentalizing her life into parts and keeping them as separate as she could.I am sure she learned to compartmentalize when she was very young, and was pretty good at it.

After time, I was able to look at my fWW's actions as the actions of a highly broken person. She was diagnosed with chronic depression and went on meds as part of IC. That helped a ton. There are other factors, emotional neglect as a kid, etc. All are why's. None are good excuses. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but it temporarily made her feel better, so she found ways to justify it.

In a way, I am doing some of the same as her. Compartmentalizing. I understand that even when she was in the height of her EA and separate ONSs she was still in love (or dependent on) with me. At least her understanding of love at the time. Her understanding of marriage and commitment have evolved greatly since that time. So I have learned to understand her mentality by compartmentalizing it. How could she do what she did and still wear her wedding ring? How could she do that, where was I in her mind? (I was part of a different, separate life) It is all very flawed and unhealthy thinking that evolved over time. The shock of getting caught, and possibly losing her family shocked her out of it. But not all at once. But I kind of compartmentalize it too. I don't know if it is healthy or if it makes sense. But I look at the old her, the person who would cheat to make herself feel better as a broken, mentally ill person, and the person I knew as the wife I thought I had. They existed separately at the same time. That unhealthy broken person is gone now, and I have my wife back. It does not erase it, but it helps me love the person I have in front of me.

How did I learn to cope? Time. It sucks, but it takes time. And distance from the events. And a lot of freaking work! It is kind of like driving away from something. After a while, whatever you are driving away from becomes smaller in the rear-view mirror. The A becomes a smaller part of your history and who you are as a couple. It gets easier as more time is built in between the here and now, and the time of the A. I don't expect everyone to stick it out like I did. This is where BreakingBad's thoughts are similar to mine. I stayed because I love her, and I have learned to live with it. I think we have found some peace with it. It has taken a lot of time (we are 9 years out from D-day)

Groot
Exact same reasons my WH gave for last summer and escorts/prostitutes ( depressed not himself etc) I’m 100 % feeling the same. 24 yrs you could so easily jeopardize. And he likes your WS is doing all the work …