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I just had two really good days. We spent the whole weekend together and it was great. He took me to a doctor’s appointment this morning and we had a great morning. And then for no reason that I can tell I just started spiraling. I went to kohls while my daughter is at soccer practice and I saw these picture frames that said THIS IS OUR STORY and all I could think is our story is ruined. Now I’m sobbing in the car waiting for my daughter this be done. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do this. I don’t want to leave him but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just don’t want to do any of this.

I just want to say that I hear you and empathise. Just had much the same experience. Had my first two consecutive good days in the whole, entire year since DDay. And then today, day 3, was so badly triggered by a stupid advertisement on my phone,I can't stop spiralling. Idk if I can do this either.
I can't do an innocent search for a birthday gift now because it's been wrecked.
Feel disgusted in WH and ashamed of myself for still trying to R.
It's a nightmare, isn't it? That we suffer so much, wondering if they even deserve us. Trying so hard and suffering agony because of their betrayal. Your post struck a chord today and I feel for you.

AdLarue17,

We hear you, we really do.

I was SO fragile for weeks after Dday 1.

I went to work anyway, in order to distract myself and to try for some sense of normalcy. But I did tell a few key work friends in case I fell apart at work and needed to make a quick exit from the room. I never did, but I remember feeling that I was standing on that edge often.

Betrayal is so shocking. So destructive. I felt hollowed and on the edge of crying for days and even for weeks (although it slowly got better).

I did cry plenty--sobbed, howled.... I was lucky that it wasn't in public.

I told my WH that he needed to be the social buffer for me when we were together in public or even around family, and he understood that he needed to be ready to make excuses or create diversion if I had to leave a room suddenly. That plan did bring me a small measure of comfort.

We can be so hard on ourselves for our own fragility and our own struggle. So, aggressively care for yourself. Be so, so very kind to yourself and give yourself permission to struggle and be fragile. I had to keep reminding myself that it was okay to feel these things.

Back to basics:

-Simplify your responsibilities as much as possible

-Cry and scream when you need to (and identify "safe" places and times for this if necessary)

-Sleep when you can

-Drink water and eat. Make yourself eat and hydrate.

-Find moments of joy to notice, focus on, and tuck in your heart (your kids, nature, etc)

(((Hugs to you, sister)))

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:46 AM, Tuesday, July 16th]

Also adding:
It seems like your H has been pretty supportive of your struggle and you've talked on other posts about how that's helped.

When you have a trigger and a downward spiral, could you and your H agree that you could call or text him for support? Is that possible with his job/schedule? Would it help you to have that plan?

You are so fresh — this is all just raw emotion and these kinds of things are going to happen. It totally sucks. I burst into tears in the grocery store (snotty, sobbing) at the bananas b/c I didn’t need to buy any for him. I don't really even like bananas much and half the time he let them go bad but insisted they always be available for him. I started carrying tissues everywhere and wearing only waterproof mascara.

One thing that helped was I used the App "calm" and would do little meditations in my car when I was spiraling and not in a place where I could do that. It’s just breathing exercises, but they really worked. There are free similar apps you can find. Try square breathing.

Also, it is common to have a down day after good days. It’s your lizard brain trying to protect you - it doesn’t trust yet. So this is normal.

Hang in there. You are strong enough. You will get through this.

It’s ok, I’m sorry, and what you are going through is completely normal and understandable.

Especially in the beginning, the good days can be the absolute worst for no reason.

Don’t let fear of leaving control you. It’s ok to stay, but it’s also ok to leave. I promise, I know how terrifying it is, but leaving will stop the pain. Doesn’t mean you have to full on D. I have been on both sides, and even when I thought I was in real R and things were better I still hurt a ton. I am not hurting anymore and I wish I had left sooner. That’s just my experience, it may not be the same for you.

I promise no matter what happens you will be okay, you will get through this and you will heal.

Don't doubt your strength. You are stronger than you think.

Whatever you do, you will need strength - and you'll have it. Have some faith in yourself.

*****

Yup, after being betrayed, your lizard brain will kick in after good moments hours, days, weeks, months. Here's the thing: if you focus on your healing, the bad moments gaet less intense and less frequent. You're at the beginning of healing now. Your life will get better if you follow a program based on BreakingBad's

-Simplify your responsibilities as much as possible

-Cry and scream when you need to (and identify "safe" places and times for this if necessary)

-Sleep when you can

-Drink water and eat. Make yourself eat and hydrate.

-Find moments of joy to notice, focus on, and tuck in your heart (your kids, nature, etc)

(((Hugs to you, sister)))

Thanks everyone for the great feedback. It really helped me. I seem to be more centered today. But man, this roller coaster is no joke. This is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve had other trauma before but this is a new level. I’m very thankful for the support I find here.

I have had a lot myself, and I absolutely agree with you that it is the hardest thing. It’s the violation of an intimate agreement that hurts so much.

You will be ok. The rollercoaster metaphor is very accurate. Don’t fear the pain, let it ride and experience it. Holding on to it hurts more in the long run.

I am sorry. I wish I had a secret answer on how to get out of it, there is none. Nothing but time and healing yourself is the only way through. And it’s unfair, you did nothing wrong you did nothing to deserve being hurt like this.

It will get better. It will take as long as it does and you will be ok

I think many of us (though not all) would agree that betrayal is hands down the biggest trauma we've ever endured.

I always thought I was emotionally tough and resilient, but this really tested me in a way I would never wish on anyone.

Yet, as I endured, I am more certain now that I am TAF (tough as f***).

Wish we didn't need to be...but here we are.

Please allow yourself to face things and process them in your own way and in your own timeline.

The emotional roller coaster can and will last for years. The extreme highs and lows will lessen, and you will have moments (not days or hours) of pain surrounding the affair, but the impact to you will lessen.

Things that affected me the first two years no longer affect me. Here’s an example - the OW had the same name as some of my cousins. It used to bother me hearing it at all. Now - it doesn’t bother me at all.

However the one thing I cannot get past is the jazz music trigger. It was their "thing" and my H knows never to play jazz music in front of me. Ever. 🤪