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Looking for advice on how my WW should try and resolve the issue with my family and our best-friends. My family has already told me there is no judgement or ostracizing from them. However, She has been isolated from our friends, not only due to her A, but her actions (or lack thereof) after Dday. For a better part of a month her friends had tried to reach out to her to talk, to make sure she was okay, to make sure she wasn't "going off the rails." She never answered them and in kind, they gave up and stopped communication. I know for a fact that they want to reestablish a relationship with her. It will be tenuous, difficult, and awkward. I see it as a need for her healing and a major keystone in R for us moving forward.

Advice from both sides welcomed!

This is maybe not what you are looking for but this is up to her to figure out.

She will need to go through a long period of consistency and people will in time accept and turn the page. But these repairs are consequences of her actions and she needs to be asking these questions.

I don’t mean that in a way to scold you or anything like that, but just be careful you aren’t doing her work because it’s important to the process of developing her character. Saving her from any of it will not be doing her or your marriage any favors.

I agree with H/O. She needs to figure out what needs to change in her actions , not you. You can tell her what you observe but you should not be telling her steps on how to fix them. There are so many resources for her, the internet, this place, books, articles, a quick google search will give her some advice.

I will give you my side.

My H also was told that there was no judgement from friends and family, even my parents, I think they do judge him but they are not outwardly mean and are rooting for him still....

He has been working hard at showing them that he can love me and the kids the right way, he quit his job, he also changed how he interacted with people. He was always a people pleaser but then he tended to resent people bc he didn't no how to say "no". Then in turn he just got shitty with people over time. He told me that he hates how people view him now and he let a lot of people down during his A (Our entire small circle know about what he did) , friends and family included but right now since it is in the early days he is still focused on his children and me. He has made amends with his brother and they are bonding a lot better now, that has seemed to help him a lot. He always avoided conflict and finally one day he sat down and told his brother all of the things that he didn't appreciate he did in their relationship, it was rough for a few days but his brother finally came around, after that he was proud of himself. He goes golfing with him a few times a week and his brother is def a friend of the marriage.

He figured all of this out on his own and through IC, I never gave him a road map to address these, he would ask my opinion and of course I offered it but ultimately once he started looking inside he hated what he saw, that is what drove him to do the work.

I know your situation isn't the same but figured I would give you some hope that if she looks inward she will find the answers she needs.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:08 PM, Thursday, July 18th]

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

Is she researching, or seeking out answers? You can't do it for her. This is her work.

Also..her friends may decide they don't want to associate with a woman who cheated on her family. Sure maybe they gave up because she wasn't responding. But,after consideration, they may have decided she wasn't someone they wanted to be around.

Actions have consequences. Ws's need consequences.

I went back,and looked at your last post. I wanted to get an idea as to what was going on.

You specifically said that basically her work right now is to figure out how to reconcile relationships.

But you are asking for advice,on how to explain to her what she needs to be doing, to reconcile relationships.

You said this was her work. Let her figure it out. Stop doing it for her. She is capable of signing up for SI, and asking her own questions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:45 PM, Thursday, July 18th]

I really asked the wrong question. Scattered brain and I usually have a whole 15 minutes to myself to write or ask questions.

I should have asked - what did you experience/witness in regards to your WS when patching up relationships with friends and family? WS/BS answers and insight appreciated.

And I will not be helping or advising her in this regard. She made her own bed with her shitty choices and she can crawl out of the mess she made with her own personal life. My relationships are intact!

My WS lost a close friend due to his infidelity. They're both Marines (Semper Fi means "always faithful") and his friend had been a BS. He asked Friend to come over to help him move his things out when I demanded separation, but I don't think he told him that he had cheated and was still cheating. Friend pulled me aside and said something like, "Can't this be resolved?" to which I responded, "You'll have to talk to him. I don't want a D, but he can't stay here and keep seeing her too." Their friendship never recovered and, to this day, my H has not attempted to reconcile with him, though I know he'd like to. He's afraid that he's left it too long. Hmm. Maybe I should bring this up, especially in regards to the other thread about healing.

H faced my furious mother and sister quite bravely, and took their tongue-lashing. I think they respected him more for it, though it took a while for them to warm back up to him. H also sought out my dad to ask for his counsel and apologize.

Pretty much everyone else he faced head on after we began to R and owned his shit in real time. I think the difference with Marine Friend is that H was THICK in the affair fog at the time. Had he not asked Friend to come help him move that day and had instead gone to see him later and owned his shit, they'd likely still be tight.

I hope your W sucks up her courage and allows her friends to help her recover. Friends who love you unconditionally are so valuable, and the more people we have in our corner letting us bounce things off of them and loving us despite our fuck-ups, the better.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:03 PM, Friday, July 19th]

It truly is up to her to work out, BUT, if she has shitty boundaries, some of that may have extended to "friends" in other areas completely separate from the affair. The fact that she has not responded to them may be an indication of that.

My FWS turned out to be a champion of poor boundaries with her female friends, after the real d-day, and her finally spilling her guts, almost all of them were cut off. One she had known for over 20 years.

I’m from the school of the cheater doesn’t get help from the betrayed. This is where the true test comes from— Will the cheater do the work needed to make amends on all fronts OR continue to be a lazy, woe is me coward?

I witnessed my H doing everything. Calling my siblings and apologizing. Admitting his mistake to close friends.

Everyone forgave him. People saw how he was doing everything possible to make amends. Some relationships took longer to heal but most are intact.

I did not lift a finger during R. I did not tell my H what to do or what I needed to heal. It was up to him to figure it out and if he didn’t or couldn’t, well we would probably be D.