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It’s been a while since I posted an update, I don’t know where to begin. As always I’m mentally all over the place, especially with DD anniversary 8/2 and 30th wedding anniversary at the end of the month.
On a positive note, since my WH passed the polygraph test, I’m rarely sherlocking over the past, wondering if I have all the information, will there be more TT, etc. I was so stuck in the past that I couldn’t see forward. I feel like this has allowed me to focus on what I want for my future.
I went on a trip by myself for 11 days. Half of it I spent at a women’s retreat for work and then the 2nd half alone by the beach. It was WONDERFUL. I felt so strong and mentally took a break from overthinking. I felt like all the crap didn’t matter, it was hardly relevant. I missed my husband a lot, thought of him fondly, mentally saw him how I used to see him, and even envisioned a spark with him again, and I was excited to see him when I returned.
When I returned the "thinking feelings" didn’t translate to "in-person feelings" though. I know it’s only been a year, and everyone says 2-3 years but given the intensity being low for his cheating I was thinking I’d feel SOME spark by the year mark? I guess I was just romanticizing our memories? I guess betrayal is betrayal even if it was "just" kissing?
Some of you will remember I’ve been in limbo about reconciling or not and we have several other issues we are facing. WH has been working on himself and the relationship to the best of his abilities. I’m at a sticking point in determining if I can accept it. I’m trying to live like I am accepting it to see. I have days where I’m like yes, there is a lot of good and other days where I’m like nope, this is not for me.
Are there any recommendations for DD anniversary, something you wish you had done for yourself or prepared somehow? He wants to do something for our 30th but my mind can’t think beyond the DD anniversary first. He has the entire month off so normally we’d go on a little trip, and that would be fun, but a part of me just doesn’t want him to "have me". Guess there is some resentment I need to continue working through. I can’t tell if I’m just not attracted to him anymore and/or I just don’t want to give him a part of myself. I know I can go for myself, and us, and not "give of myself" but there is a wall there for me.
I guess I’m feeling more and more our energy just isn’t a match (not equally yoked) and I’m waiting for him to catch up and the spark to return? Ugh. Anyway, mostly I’d love feedback and suggestions for DD anniversary.
Thank you all.

For us, the return of the spark came after some consistent, intentional efforts to have experiences that weren’t touched by the affair.

We started with date nights and we tried to do what you are describing on the beach- to kind of push away thoughts of the affair. So our beginning date nights were shorter. Eventually we worked up to weekends away. It’s hard to not associate your spouse with what they did and it stops you from getting to know each other again. So you need breaks from the affair to see them separately from that even for a few minutes at a time.

We did a Gottman weekend workshop around a year out. It was good but the part that we found helpful is they have these cards to have each person answer questions from. It sounds silly but we had a lot deeper and emotional conversations from it than what I expected. When I saw the questions I thought they were kind of silly. I think you can buy those or there is an app maybe that you can purchase them separately from the workshop.

Just like you needed the time to connect with yourself and just be, the relationship needs that too.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:22 PM, Tuesday, July 23rd]

We have the Gottman App and card decks and use them often, they are excellent. We also have been doing dates and activities that are fun and light together, for a good 6 months now. He feels warm fuzzy and hopeful. I am worried that I'm not feeling anything by now and getting impatient. Like I wish I had a little spark, even for a few seconds, to let me know I'm heading in the right direction. The only spark I feel is when I romanticize, reminisce, and recall and I need a little sign in the moment/real life.
So this is just blind faith for 2-3 years? Trust the process?