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It’s my son’s wedding, and his mom will be there. The event - two evenings, first a "rehearsal dinner" and then the wedding, is in late September.I’m trying to keep it classy and politely formal, not mention, my inner turmoil to my son and his fiancé (and daughter who will also be there) = how anxious and unhappy I am at the prospect of being in the room with the ex. Also, some of her family may be there - her brothers. Some of my relatives will be there - an aunt and uncle and cousins. I’ve talked to them a little bit about helping me avoid awkward situations, Ike getting trapped in conversations I don’t want to have.

I’ve been totally non-contact with the ex. I don’t want her to know anything about me (that was her choice, right? she divorced me, that means I’m no longer any of her business. She’s still, I gather from info dropped inadvertently from friends, with the bf she cheated on me with. My son asked on her behalf if she and bring a "plus-one," and I could also. said no. The wedding is for my son and his fiancé, not to parade paramours. I’m dating someone currently, but I not seriously enough to bring to a family event like a wedding. I certainly don’t want to be thinking about being in the same room as the bf instead of focusing on the wedding.

This is how the ex works. The message behind it is "aren’t you over it, yet?" And If I say "no," then she’s made the point that I am unreasonable. I "should" be over it, in other words. It’s the kind of manipulation I’m trying to avoid by going non-contact. I’m sure she would love to push me into supporting whatever micromanagement schemes or worries she has on the children. I’m also upset that she apparently knows I’m dating.

My aunt blurted out some things about how I should get over it "for the children’s sake." That threw me for a loop. The children are in their 30s. I’m not going to "get over it" for the sake of everyone else’s convenience, or because they’ve been fed fairy tales about happy endings. My feeling is that she’s my abuser, the way she treated me did some real trauma. It’s like sitting down for dinner with the person who shot my dog. Some things just can’t be got over.

I want to be at my son’s wedding, but I want to enjoy myself, and at this rate, I’m just going to be a bundle of nerves.

I tell myself it’ll be like when I returned to the family home to sell it after living overseas for a three years. Once I actually got into the house, there were some rocky moments - unpleasant memories and feelings came up, but I got used to it. I suppose it will be like that. Knowing it doesn’t help though.

Anyone else gone through this? Tips? Advice?

I think you should go and even if a bundle of nerves, put on a smile and ignore her and be there for your kiddo. Literally make it entirely about your son and his bride. Even if she is bothering you, walk away and smile and start talking to other people. Go to people that you can just escape to if feeling like you need to get away from her. Maybe establish who those people are before you even get there and then locate them so you know where to walk to if you need to avoid her. You said you were not taking your current dating partner, but do you have someone that could be your plus one and “go-to” person even if it’s just a friend or a guy or somebody that you can just have there to be that supportive person. Most of all, smile and act like it does not bother you because that will probably bother her far more than anything, even if it is killing you inside. Don’t let that part out. Breathe and just know the day will be over before it started. Then, hopefully you can find some joy in your son’s day and go from there.

[This message edited by deena04 at 1:42 PM, Saturday, August 17th]

My brother and his first wife had a very bad divorce. She was a WW, and when caught just turned vicious and ugly. She has acted like a victim for over 20 years.

When their first child got married, the wedding was at her parents' farm. We were expecting it to be awkward, and it was. LOL

My brother made sure he had his family around him for the event. We were his people, and we were there for him. We had a code word: Swell. If any of us were made to feel uncomfortable by the XWW or her family, all we had to do was tell one of our "team" that we were "swell" and we would all grab our things and go, no questions asked.

It turned out OK. There were some incidents with the XWW, but overall, we all made it through and my brother had the support he needed.

Line up your support, keep your head high, and enjoy your son's wedding.

Unfortunately, your X will be there for other life events with the kids. It's best to set the standard for how you want to interact/react now. I think keeping above it is the classiest way for everyone. And, speaking as a Betrayed Child whose parents did not have an amicable divorce, it's also the easiest on the adult kids when at least one of the parents will rise above the mess.

What is your son's take about the AP?

My middle DS is getting married next year. I've already told him that I'll be civil and will do whatever family pictures he wants. I'll do what it takes to reduce the stress of the event for him.

I guess I'm kinda over it because I'm happier now without XWH than I was for the last 10-15 years of my life.

I've told my boys that their relationship with their dad is theirs. I'll help where I can, but it's no longer my responsibility. They understand.

Take your plus one if you want but discuss they won't be part of the pictures, etc. Set yourself up for success and to have a good time.

Thanks for the replies! It’s helpful to have people’s support and anecdotes like this.

As for my son’s take on he AP, I don’t know. We haven’t discussed it. I know at one point just after the divorce my son had blocked his mother from his life. However, they seem to have reconciled. He knows I don’t want to, nor do I think it’s appropriate, for us to discuss her. I don’t want to put him in the middle of it. And, I don’t want to hear about her. I certainly don’t want to hear about Bike Boy (nickname I gave the bf) or whoever the current bf is. My son’s fiancé is not so careful to avoid mentioning her, she’s made casual references and I gather there’s a lot of interaction. The ex lives about 30-40 minutes away.

I wish the fiancé did not remind me so much of my ex. They are in similar professions, and there are similarities in their relationship that disturb me. Under the surface, however, it may be substantially different. Things that, if they’d happened in my marriage would have put me "in the doghouse," don’t necessarily put my son in the same position. Something like that happens, I get a nervous stomach because I’m waiting for the storm of complaints and recriminations, but it doesn’t come, at least not in my presence.

Maybe just take the stance that you're a dignitary there to kiss babies or do whatever. Channel your inner King Charles, President, etc. You're there to fulfill the position of Father of the Groom. Do your parade wave, cut the ribbon, lie to whoever you need to get through the day FOR YOUR SON.

What you've said really underscores what posters have said that our relationships with our spouses are a model for our children. It's unfortunate that you see similarities between the two, but it's lossy that she won't follow in your XWW's footsteps.

Parenting is tough and doesn't stop when they're out of our house.

Act like you are over it! But also act like you are also completely indifferent to your ex. Generally avoid her but when she approaches, make small talk as if she was a long unseen second cousin you never liked but have no reason to really avoid. Redirect conversation to conversation about your son and his welfare. Show no interest in her but answer small talk questions politely and positively. Just like with a potentially aggressive dog, show confidence and no weakness. Then you will be able to hold your head high the next day and week after the wedding.

She's in the past and this is one more step in putting her there. Don't let anyone see that she still matters, least of all her.

@BeeBee64

quote]My son asked on her behalf if she and bring a "plus-one," and I could also. said no. The wedding is for my son and his fiancé, not to parade paramours

You blocking the affair partner from being at the wedding is a significant blow to your EX, it prevents them from normalizing the relationship in front of the family.

In regard to the aunt, having dealt with some pressures of my own regarding "forgiveness" and "moving past the damage hurt", I've found there are a number of ways of putting it to rest. Usually something akin to "its always so much fun to be around bad people who try to use an event for their own self serving agenda".

I found the events I dreaded most, turned out to be ok. So hopefully you have the same experience.

I have had to attend a few events now that my ex is there and I just treat him as someone I do not know. Meaning, I do not seek him out for conversation but if he approaches me, I will respond politely and move along.

At a wedding, there are plenty of 'excuses' to get away if you find yourself in contact. Keep on focusing on being 'indifference' regarding your feelings towards her.

As you said, this is about your son.

You got this.