SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today marks 2 years since I asked the two fatal questions: "Is there someone else?" and "Is it still going on?"

4 DDays later, I'm still living in a house with my WS, our teenager, and my MIL (she's here temporarily). WS has been out of work for half a year now. Between him and his mom being here, I have no privacy or time to my own thoughts. It's stifling me, and I'm getting desperate to have my own space. A few weeks ago, WS begged me not to give up on him/us, but I can't find it in my heart to want R or him any longer. I feel like it's only a matter of time.

Teen is in a better place than she was a year ago. I turned in my last book. I have no obligations forcing me to stay, and I can see a lot of upsides in me and teen moving to a rental closer to her school (which is about 30 minutes each way from the house). I'm increasingly convinced that my chronic health problems will not improve as long as I'm in this house with WS and the chronic stress associated with that.

WS is very depressed. He knows things aren't going well with R. He is desperate to win me back, but I'm not sure he ever can. We live like roommates again, though it is now by my choice. We don't talk much about the past, but again, it is now my choice. He constantly tells me he loves me and wants me, and I feel empty or pained in response. He does a lot of work around the house and does most of the care and feeding for his mom, but there are a dozen little things each day that remind me of how he is still motivated primarily by pleasure-seeking or ego-feeding behaviors. And also, all those little things I could overlook when I loved him ... well, they're glaringly hard to look away from now that I don't. I don't love him anymore. I don't even like him all that much anymore. I'm really sad about it, and I feel pity for him, but I when I search for those feelings, there's a whole lot of nothing.

The question is one of timing. I know I'm trying to control the outcome, and that isn't ever possible, but MIL is still recovering from her broken hip. One of our cats was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and we're dealing with his treatment. I feel like we have been jumping from one crisis to another for the past 6 months. Maybe this is what being in your early 50s means.

I'm wondering what my next steps should be. I've started taking some action - writing teen, MIL, and WS letters of explanation. Looking at apartments online and figuring out when I can schedule visits. Making a spreadsheet of how we could split our property. I have a lawyer I talked to after DDay2, but I haven't reached out to her yet. Do I go for a trial separation first, or do I just take the plunge and go for divorce? Either way, I am really tired of this life. Of pretending for people like our kid or MIL that we are depressed and stressed for reasons that don't include WS's affairs and lies. Of waking up each day wishing I hadn't.

Thank you for reading this far. Advice, commiseration, or any other thoughts are welcome.

No real advice for you, other than to say it sounds like his choices really may have been a deal-breaker for you. Infidelity like I experienced twice from my SAWH was a definite M-ender for me as well, but logistics kept me choosing to stay put - for 22 years!!

So I think you are right to be doing the steps you've taken to visualize yourself getting out of this M in the best way to honor yourself and your child and at the same time, giving yourself space to be sure it is the right move for your future. I don't think we can ever be sure, one way or the other.

All I want to say is that you seem to be dealing with a very difficult situation with a great deal of courage. I think you are making progress and I think things will get better for you: I won't say "soon", because everything takes longer than we think, but eventually, and in plenty of time to enjoy the results.

I understand what you are saying.

The pity jumped out at me too. I am 2.5 years out.

I regularly feel pity that he couldn’t recognise how much we had. I feel like his life was easy in so many ways so he thought he would look for the 20% or 15% that was missing. Now he’s having to fight and my love as it was, is no longer there. I find it pathetic to be honest.
He suffered from low self esteem and still does. I am confident and social and outgoing. I appreciated our differences.

He is scared the minute the youngest child leaves home I’ll be done.

I wonder if some people thrive on these fears and struggle when life is okay. Creating their own drama.

I loved the peace and home feeling in my marriage. I needed that. It was a reason I married him. I accepted the bits he struggled with and loved so many bits he didn’t accept about himself. So I feel pity. He threw away a wife who adored him and understood him. And what for? Fake. He threw away an amazing family and life for fake and dopamine hits. I pity him.

Now he wants me to love him like I did and will accept far less than he had. I don’t understand that at all. It blows my mind to be honest.

I can’t help but I get you. You are not alone with your feelings.

I have tried to find extra joy in people and my children. I know my flaws (I have many) and I acknowledge them. I try and be good to those I care for ( and I sometimes fail) and I apologise when I fall short of my expectations of myself.
But I’m not great after 2.5 years. But I can now function.

I am really tired of this life. Of pretending for people like our kid or MIL that we are depressed and stressed for reasons that don't include WS's affairs and lies. Of waking up each day wishing I hadn't.

I can commiserate. It took me about 5 years before I stopped wishing not to wake up. Then one day it dawned on me. Why should I be the one who gives up his life? I didn’t do anything wrong. I loved someone more ardently than she loved me. Maybe that evidenced that I was too thick for my own good, but it’s not a crime to misjudge someone. I was flying without any alternate airfields on my flight plan. I didn’t know I needed any. She had an alternate on hers, a guy she was grooming for when I was no longer in the picture. That humiliated me then and still does today. With the exception of a single good friend, I haven’t told anyone about my wife’s contingency guy. I’ve learned to live with it by looking inward for my happiness. On balance, I am more happy than sad with my current life in R. But there have been many times where I wished that I had just left her after Dday. We are now geriatric, both cancer survivors and reliant on each other more now than ever. Our finances are all intermingled and our lives revolve around our 2 kids and their kids, all of whom live within a 3 mile radius of us. So I remain and use this site to vent, support others, and like now, commiserate. If I were advising the 1996 Dday me, knowing what I know now, I’d say cut your losses and move on. You deserve to be able to look forward to each new day. You did nothing wrong except to trust the wrong person with your heart. There is plenty of time left for you to escape the shackles of shame and anger, start a new life, and greet each sunrise as the gift that it used to be.

[This message edited by Notsogreatexpectations at 11:20 AM, Wednesday, November 13th]

"i was flying without any alternate airfields on my flight plan. I didn’t know I needed any"

This is many of us. Many of us also didn’t know that our copilots had cut their fuel line supplys to our marriages.

I believe it takes 2 dedicated co pilots to fly a great marriage route. And a phenomenal amount of fuel. I imagine there are degrees of flight plan sabotaging. And fuel contributions. Exwh cut his fuel line, vandalized the plane and drained the fuel tank, and pushed me out of the plane with no parachute while I was putting forth maximum effort to provide sufficient fuel.

All this to say there are some scenarios where a betrayed puts their own oxygen mask on first. Gets themselves on terra firma. Does a damage assessment and maybe even decides the marriage flight route can’t be resumed.

My personal assessment was that the habits, values, and characteristics exwh had did not meet my minimum criteria for a co-pilot.

I am very sorry you are going through a difficult time. I hope you take exquisite care of yourself and child/children, and that you find peace, prosperity and happiness.

Thank you, Superesse and Eric1964, for the support.

Superesse, 22 years is a long time - what a tremendous sacrifice!

Abcd89, "But I’m not great after 2.5 years. But I can now function." - Same here. I'm functional and sometimes I'm genuinely happy, but WS is the ultimate trigger as is the house we're in. I'm also emotionally stunted and cynical, neither of which I much like about myself. I don't know if leaving is going to change that, but staying for sure isn't. I hope you're able to get to a better place one day.

Notsogreatexpectations, "If I were advising the 1996 Dday me, knowing what I know now, I’d say cut your losses and move on." - Thank you for the advice. Although it's painful to split up, I think it will be healthier in the long term. I'm sorry that you are still in so much pain.

Shehawk, "My personal assessment was that the habits, values, and characteristics exwh had did not meet my minimum criteria for a co-pilot" - I've started to come to the same conclusion. I can't see my WS the way I used to, now that I know he is capable of so much deception and dishonesty. It no longer matters how perfectly honest he might be - I don't want to spend the remaining decades of my life waiting for it to happen again.