SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, long story short I am a military officer, married to my wife almost 9 years now, together for 11, no kids. I deployed last July and got back in Dec to things feeling off, physical intimacy was more but everything else felt weird.

Long story short I found out in March that she had been having an affair when I caught them in his car together while I was supposed to be at work. She then swore no contact, it wasn’t serious, they only kissed once, and more lies which I believed because we never had any problems before ever. From then on I was playing pick me in every way possible, outings notes events dates.

I then discovered that they were still seeing eachother and eventually in June caught them at a hotel another night I was supposed to be at work. At this point I was raging as the same morning we were saying I love you and how we were working on us.

Many fights and me trying to kick her out and divorce her later she again swore no contact that it was finally over, and I gave her the requested space to get over it. Things weren’t good but weren’t bad, no going out or sneaking but also no connection with us at all besides friendliness.

Fast forward to August, I get off work early and see her phone at the store across the way, I drive over to say hi and I literally walk up to her in his car making out with him. They didn’t even see me, I watched for like 10-15 seconds before I walked up told the guy good luck and asked her if she would finally agree and leave me.

After initially saying she would go he then dumped her because he thought I was keeping her here and he was hurt (hilariously) And now she is being the absolute perfect wife in every way, and she almost got me too, until I found all of the gifts he had given her and she then refused to get rid of them.

After about two weeks of me saying that was my hard line and her saying no and asking for time and changing the subject and refusing a uncontested divorce or divorce of any kind I have now filed a contested divorce.

She doesn’t know yet and gets served next week. She thinks I dropped it and is being the absolute perfect wife and questions why I won’t touch or sleep in the same bed as her.

I am freaking out. She has had such a power over me so far and I am afraid I will lose resolve when she is served and manipulates me and throws herself at or threatens or guilt trips me somehow. How did any of you make it through this stage?

[This message edited by Paltheon232 at 8:12 PM, Thursday, November 21st]

How did any of you make it through this stage?

You just do and be strong. Limit conversations to just the D. If she keeps at you leave the house for a bit. You have to significantly limit contact with her. Eventually one will have to move out of the house. That's when things got easier for me to navigate and I went completely no contact with my xWS.

If you can't kick her out of the house, can you kick her out of the bedroom?

Physical space helps. I constantly reminded myself that I deserve WAY better than the treatment he was giving me. She has shown you time and time again that you are not a priority.

Little by little, I made it through and moved on with my life. It also helped me to know that if he does the work, he can always get back together. This doesn't have to be the end all be all. He never did the work and that showed me that I made the right decision. We have 2 kids together. They were 1 and unborn/pregnant at the time of his cheating. We divorced a couple of years later. They are 18 and almost 17 now.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch. But I can’t kick her out because we live in base housing so unless she volunteers I’m stuck. But yea trying to keep space. I’m legitimately terrified of what will happen the day she gets served though. She will either love bomb or go insane evil and both are terrifying. Just praying it isn’t extreme.

The hardest part is her treating me perfectly and lovingly and everything I have ever asked for like normal from before all this but still being in contact with him and lying about it and keeping mementos.

[This message edited by Paltheon232 at 11:12 PM, Thursday, November 21st]

I don't know the technicalities, but once she is served are you then able to say you're separated and she needs to move off base?

If not, can you move into the barracks instead?

I’m going to try to go that route. I can’t move into the barracks as an officer unfortunately. Just praying that things are not dangerous while we still reside together. She will end up refusing to move anything out and then blame me when I give it all away. Very worried about that.

You need to talk to your legal department on base. They can help you navigate this.
I am so sorry she is putting you through this.

"How did any of you make it through this stage?"

I finally saw exWH for who he was and I became absolutely and resolutely unwilling to remain married with him doing what he was doing.
I found it in myself to leave him day by day hour by hour year by year by telling myself that if he became a safe partner we could reconcile.
He did not become a safe partner.

Unfortunately you were not the first nor will you be the last soldier cheated on. I expect there are resources on post for support. I am sorry you are going through this.

I was an officer’s wife. When he was gone I did not cheat. It was really that simple as far as I and any military spouses I was friends with saw it.

(In return, he blindsided me with his unbecoming conduct in the military that I found out about a decade after it happened and after we had a child. He swore he had changed. I was the schmuck who believed him. DD2 another decade and a half later was the sucker punch knockout.)

Thank you for your service.

The hardest part is her treating me perfectly and lovingly and everything I have ever asked for like normal from before all this but still being in contact with him and lying about it and keeping mementos.

I hope you realise that this is a facade she is putting up, right?

*hint: she is still holding onto her little A trinkets.*

The following it totally based on you posting in the divorce forum, therefore allowing me to assume that’s the path you have decided on, plus your officer-background:

Back in the days I attended a course about decision making in crisis/pressure situations. The lecturer had a military background, and he shared what they are looking for in officer-training. Basically, by the time you are even considered for officer training they have already decided you have the ability to think. With that ability, what they are looking for is the ability to find intel/info, evaluate intel/info, decide on a plan and then implement that plan. Once the implementation has started, they look for the ability to evaluate the reaction, the ability to evaluate new data/intel and the decision process of possibly altering the plan accordingly.
Example: When going through a forest you come to a clearing. You recall your intel briefing from that morning that the odds of enemies being in the area are low, yet you gather more info by having your team scour the other side of the clearing, trying to see if someone is there in hiding. After evaluating the situation, you might tell your team to cross. To minimize risk, you send a smaller team well-spread first, and then the rest in a well distributed pattern to minimize the risk of everyone getting caught in an ambush. This is you evaluating date and implementing a plan that you then carry on through despite not knowing if your data is correct or not.
Your team makes it safely across does not mean the 10 minutes spend evaluating and crossing in a slower manner is wasted. It simply means you evaluated, decided and implemented and got your task done.
Your team gets caught in an ambush does not mean you made a mistake. Well... not unless you clearly saw the enemy aiming their guns at your before you entered the clearing. It then becomes important how you planned and how you react. For the people training officers, what they want least of all to see is either adhering to a plan that clearly won’t work OR inaction. Those that ignore the risk (cant read and evaluate info/intel). Those that don’t even try to get across the clearing (inaction). Those that send their men across despite clear signs of the enemy (stupidity). Those that don’t respond once the sh hits the fan (inaction, stupidity, fear...).

I mention this because I think we betrayed spouses sometimes fall into that group that the people managing officer training might consider ditching from the course... We fall into inaction and fear, often caused by lack of info OR wrong info... I think the KEY to our recovery tends to be creating a plan based on the best REAL info we can get, implementing it and then possibly altering it according to how the universe reacts...

You mention some fears...
Your very title says contested divorce...
Seeing as you haven’t filed, she hasn’t been served and you therefore don’t have her reaction then that is at best a guess on her possible reactions. For all you know she might dance a jig all the way to court, glad to be out.
Even if she protests – contests the divorce. Gone are the days when you had to have a reason to file. In most/many instances her ability to "contest" will be limited to delaying the process. Even then – the whole divorce process is like a snowball that slowly gathers momentum. She can delay signing some document or offering some information, but even if she refuses there is a process that eventually has the judicial system saying the equivalent of "she had her chance to do this, got all the required notifications and warning and ignored them all. Therefore, we are simply assuming that..." and then it rolls on, usually to the non-responder’s disadvantage.

Military life, living on base, nine-year marriage, no kids... What is there to contest? The division of assets is probably about as cut and clear as can be. No kids, assuming no house (seeing as you live on base), possibly the average amount in debts and commitments (credit-card, car-lease and such). Like-it-or-not she is probably entitled to part of your pension for the last 9 years... She’s probably entitled to some spousal support for some years... These are things you can huff and puff about, but chances are she will get both.

Basically, it’s a process dictated by laws and regulations and past examples. There are things you will get, things she can get and things both of you will be unhappy about. I’m guesstimating that if you two were in agreement you could finish the financial aspect of this divorce in a couple of days.

I suggest in the strongest way that you get legal help and guidance. Don’t know if you use a civil attorney or if the military can provide these services. I am 100% certain that no matter what base you are in that the housing officer and/or the legal team have gone through this, and can let you know right away how best to proceed regarding some practical issues like housing. No – you cant kick her out and she does have some rights, but possibly those rights diminish at some certain point after certain documents are signed. Possibly you don’t want (or warrant) a house as a single person. Possibly there are officer-quarters that you can reside in while this is dealt with. Or maybe not... this is where gathering info/intel comes in...

None of these deals with the emotional impact of divorce. I really understand that. Just like the officers responsibility of evaluating, planning and implementing doesn’t remove his fear or concerns about his decisions. But by looking at your impeding divorce as a task – a project – you can get this ball rolling, and that will quicken the inevitable end.

Remove the fears and replace them with reality. That might change the fears into concerns, but then you deal with them as they come along.

Fellow military officer here...

Have you informed your chain of command?

She's likely to try to spin things her way when she feels trapped. It's such a sad cliche.

As a former commander, I became jaded by hearing from every single one of my Soldiers' soon-to-be ex-spouses about how abusive the Soldiers were. 100%.

Start documenting everything. Write a memorandum for record detailing all the dates and incidents.

Also, is her Jody a civilian or service member?

[This message edited by 1994 at 1:42 PM, Friday, November 22nd]

"I mention this because I think we betrayed spouses sometimes fall into that group that the people managing officer training might consider ditching from the course... "

Sadly this would have described me. ^^

An officer I know was manipulated by his now ex wife into accepting delaying tactics that caused the duration of marriage to go over a threshold that resulted in loss of a large portion of his military retirement unnecessarily. The take away from this is that he needed a divorce attorney who does military divorces and does them well and knows the related law. The irksome part is that she got this because she manipulated him and the system in order to cross time thresholds. What makes it unfair is that this wife was not some worthy spouse who was at home acting faithfully and tending the home fires and sending packages to her soldier.

As an example (based on the posts above), and again based on the forum you post in:

In some states there are deadlines that can impact divorce. If California-law applies to you (and your profile puts California as your location) a significant deadline for spousal support is the 10-year mark, and you say you have been married for almost 9 years.

If you divorce now – let’s say at the exact 9-year mark – spousal support will (probably) be limited to half the length of the marriage, or 4 ½ years. Assuming she is entitled to spousal support (and it’s not a given) then that would be your max, irrespective of what she wants or her attorney demands. If she can postpone the filing/processing beyond the 10-year mark... Both she and her attorney can have a field-day demanding more.

If you are decided then I don’t see any benefit whatsoever for you to delay.

The question about if OM is in the military is a very important one...

Edited to add:
The absolute worst advice offered on this site – mine included – is any form of legal advice. Take my above suggestion with a healthy dosage of skepticism while keeping in mind I am fairly certain I am correct. It’s something to ask your attorney, but not to build any decision on without corroborating.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:51 PM, Friday, November 22nd]