SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really need some help!

2 days ago, I found some videos on my partners phone. The videos were of his ex pleasuring herself. They were sent over snap chat and my partner had recorded them for his own sexual gratification (which he has confirmed with me) I have been with him 20 years and this was 3.5 years ago. We have had it out in terms of arguing crying, all the emotions you could possible think off. He shares a child with his ex who is an adult now and we share 2 young children together too. The ex was not a very good mother and I found myself at 18 , meeting a man , falling in love him and basically bringing his child up due to the mothers sever neglect. I have been a good mother to our children etc etc so I am at a lost end as to why this has happened. It was during lockdown, he said she had messaged and one thing led to another but I feel absolutely betrayed not just on a partner level but on a mother level that he could do and treat me this way. He has been very apologetic as you can imagine and assured me he can’t believe why he risked me and our children for this "5minutes of joy" as he calls it. But I just don’t no how to feel right now. I understand it was a long time ago and he hasn’t physically been intimate with her but when I say he despises this women he really does (well I thought he did) we have had extreme
Neglect reports from social services all from the child’s age of 4 till 16. And feel completely mugged off, hurt and sickened that he has and she has managed to pleasure each other. He assures me it could have been any one she just so happened messaged but I can’t shift the feeling that they both encouraged each other to do what they have done . Thank you for reading

I am so sorry you have a husband whose boundaries have huge holes in them. Does he realize this is cheating, because it very much is. How many times did it happen and for how long? And he doesn’t even like her!
There are great supportive men on this site so I hope they give you some ideas from a male perspective.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that this has happened to you. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and some not pinned but have bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

It doesn't matter if he was doing this with his ex or anybody else, it is cheating. Even though there wasn't any PIV )penis in vagina) contact, I do consider this to be physical - but others may disagree. He needs IC (individual counseling) to dig into his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. He basically admitted that he would have done the same with anybody else and it wasn't just because she was his ex.

Please practice self-care during this time because this is trauma. If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful in navigating through the trauma.

He did this because he has a character flaw and gave himself permission to do this. It isn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. The cheating is 100% on him and his crappy choices. Even if he did tell you why, the excuses he gives are not going to make sense to you.

Thank you for the replies. You are correct the reasons he is giving me are just not making sense. I really would like a males perspective on this as he does just keep saying it could have been any one and it was just a sexual gratification thing. He has assured me it has only happened the once and he deleted the. Videos straight away as he get sick. I found the videos on his google drive when I was setting his old phone up to give to our child (I wanted to make sure it was all clear before she received it)

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for BS (betrayed spouses) to ask questions of WS (wayward spouses). Don't go there if you think you might be triggered, but it is an option.

I’m sorry for you. But honestly there is never going to be a good enough reason as to why cheaters make the choices they do. No explanation will ever satisfy a betrayed spouse/partner (in most cases).

It’s not because you’re too thin or too funny or pretty or not pretty enough or no fun or too much fun etc.

It’s because the cheaters are selfish and in the moment, they only think of themselves. Plus I think most of them never ever expect to get caught.

I do generally think he thought I would never find out. We have been great the last 6 months and I do believe he is basing his feelings on now not then, so it’s even harder to understand and process. I do also understand the thinking of himself in that moment as that is what he has also said, I’m really struggling with if I should stay or go. I feel weak and that I have lost my dignity if I stay (as it is her) but I feel lost the thought of not being with him at the same time. I really never thought this would happen especially after all these years together

I feel lost the thought of not being with him at the same time.

That’s good information for you to hear. Start digging into that feeling and see what you can find out about yourself.