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I can't help but wonder why the OW gets blamed so much. DH is the one with the ring on and the wife and kids. HE makes the choice to "do the deed" and could have stopped the entire affair if he had WANTED to. If she instigated it, HE could have simply said "NOT INTERESTED". This applies to the OM also. ONE of them had to have started it. ONE of them could have chosen NOT to get involved. My first FW had many women on his cake plate and I never blamed them because HE CHOSE NOT TO stop the call of the puss !

For me, I didn't think my XWH was devious enough to pull it off. Ergo, it was all APs fault. It just took time for me to realize that he should have had boundaries in place but didn't. I think it was part of the "freeze" response in that my brain froze on my feeling that I didn't think he would do something like that.

I blame my WH for his affair and destroying our family. As you said he was the married man with the fucking house and kids.

But I think she is still a POS human being. I think anyone who is happy to be involved with a married person and watch a family crumble to the ground is not someone I consider a ‘good person’.

Well the AP in my case pretended to be my friend so she is a POS. They were both at fault, but at least my husband never injected himself into her family or tried to friend her husband.

I'm with Webbit. I think both are equally to blame but in different ways. The WS broke a commitment to the BS, but the AP has poor morals (assuming they knew the WS/WP was in a monogamous relationship).

In my personal case, the AP was also married with kids, so she was truly just as bad as my WS.

I think for many BS it is hard to accept that their WS could do such a thing. So it's easy to believe that someone else must be responsible. Many WS play on this to protect themselves and ease their own conscience. It's just another form of blame shifting.

My FWS sometimes referred to OM as a predator because he had a history of affairs with married women. But when I finally got a timeline from her it was clear that she pursued as much as she was pursued. The prey does not normally serve themselves up to the predator on a platter.

Yeah this is BS.

In my case the OW knowingly and intentionally pursued a married man with no consideration for the impact on his wife and kids. Basically for fun, out of boredom and looking her own validation. That's deserving of blame in my book. WS is also deserving of blame, but blaming the OW for her part doesn't diminish that. He is also working hard to fix what he broke while she has no remorse or consequence. It's the lack of basic human consideration.

If a person watched another person intentionally kick the crap out of a third person, is the person watching innocent? No. What if they cheered them on and encouraged them? No. If some random person came to my house and took a baseball bat to my belongings, are they off the hook because they never made a vow to me that they wouldn't? No. The OW came into my life, took a baseball bat to my relationship, helped my husband cause me immense pain. She deserves blame for her part in that. A decent person doesn't knowingly do that to another human.

The other person is not innocent in any scenario except where they are not aware that the wayward is married.

[This message edited by Tealchicken at 2:32 PM, Sunday, December 22nd]

Well I never have given an ounce of angst to the prostitutes whom my husband paid. I suppose I could hate them for seeing his gold wedding band and f'ing him anyway.

The other complicated aspect of this blame game is realizing how many single women are told lies by somebody's husband when they meet. They may only find out he has a current wife after they've compromised themselves. The woman may then rationalize her awkward situation by telling herself if he steps out on his wife it isn't her problem. Women also can be very competitive with other women for a man they desire, so there are some who really don't seem to mind being a side piece.

A lot of the latter issue came about after the sexual revolution that I lived through. I suspect problems like such single women find themselves in didn't used to happen so often before pre-marital sex became 'the norm' after the pill.

The former issue? Old as humanity itself.

[This message edited by Superesse at 2:53 PM, Sunday, December 22nd]

In my case, every OW knew he was married.

The most recent OW told me, "I wanted your husband. I wanted your children. I wanted your family. He is the only person on earth who really understands me, and I wanted your family because I don’t have one. I’m jealous of what you have."

She knew exactly what she was doing.

I was a lawyer and fully understood that the POSOM didn’t owe any duty to me. His wife knew about the relationship. He made sure of that. So she never suspected anything untoward. So I asked myself why I was projecting a disproportionate share of the blame and anger on this douche bag and not on my wife, who did take vows to love, honor, and cherish? At first, my answer to myself was, "I love her, not him." I realized at some point that this was just part of being in denial. I wanted to see this 15 year clandestine flirtation as a blip that would go away with a profound apology and a showing of remorse. Then I could have my fairy tale marriage back. Being angry with the person you were bending over backwards for in order to reconcile with seemed counterproductive. Today, 28 years later and more clear eyed, I see them as co-conspirators in the hazarding of my marriage. They both disrespected me. He knew that she was keeping this "friendship" hidden from all her friends, her sisters, and of course, from me. He let her play with fire. I think this long term deception is what caused her panic attacks and psychiatric care. He enabled this. Some friend. I hate his guts and punch his lights out 5 times a week on my gym’s heavy bag.

It takes two.....if AP knew betraying partner was in a monogamous relationship and it was your typical cake eating affair, then heck YES responsibility falls on BOTH.

As long as the betraying partner is in the hot seat where they belong, there's enough blame to go around.

I completely blame my xWS. I 100% agree the onus is on the WS, the AP was just a willing participant.