SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just want to let this out because I don’t know who would understand

I feel like a monster. I’ve always had low self esteem and low self worth, but after dday that feeling hit the nail on the coffin and sealed my fate. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve to wear makeup, wear nice clothes, eat meals that I enjoy without the shadow of dday behind me. The worst part is the affair was with my cousin who used to molest me and attempted to rape me at the age of 15… why in the world did I think it was a good idea to talk to him after the hurt he put me through? Why was I dumb enough to be manipulated and feel bad for him? I still decided to have sex with him and it angers me. I hate myself. I want to destroy every single cell in my body. Not only am I known as a cheater, but also a self disrespecting disgusting slut. I feel like even my therapist would agree on me with this. My self hate is so powerful I fear it will lead me to self destruct even more.

I hate happy couples. I hate women who are secure and confident. I hate that I have to live in this body of a monster. I’m in everyone’s way all the time and I feel like even my kids know I’m a monster. I’m disgusting and don’t deserve to live.

I feel like a monster.

You aren’t. Full stop.

You are human, full of beauty and light and worth.

You are in a dark place, full of pain and shame. It will get better.

Seek light. Pursue truth and health.

You are no monster, and this storm will pass.

This is an extremely rough point in the recovery process, but I promise it will pass. Hang in there!

The affair happened and you can’t go back in time and change it. The person you were then doesn’t have to be the person you are today, or tomorrow, nor any day after that. You have this opportunity to examine yourself, heal your trauma, and become better and more whole.

You are injured by what happened to you in your childhood, and you made some bad decisions probably as a result of that. But you are not a bad, broken, underserving person. You deserve to heal. Try to shift this massive amount of shame and self loathing towards that process. Therapy can help! And please please please, if any therapist affirms, instead of challenging, the kind of thoughts you’re having here, switch therapists immediately!

Thoughts are not facts. Just because your mind is telling you this DOES NOT mean it is true.

You, and every human, have value. Yes, you made some really bad decisions. But starting now you can make better decisions and figure out how to tame those demons that abuse left you with. You can heal. And you deserve to heal.

You can hate what you did and you should hate what was done to you (and so sorry that you were abused so horribly). But don’t hate yourself. You are a dynamic, evolving, growing human, not a static data point. Your worst decisions do not define you if you regret them and heal from it.

If these thoughts keep haunting you, please see a doctor.

And yes, get into therapy. You can heal and grow and become the person you want to be.

Hang in there. Better days ahead.

If you read many of my posts 8 think you will see I am giving you a run for shame spiraling. Easy to do especially in the early days as the feelings are so raw. One thing I have realized in therapy and discussions with my wife is that shame is detrimental to holding space for your partner to heal. I still battle it often, but knowing that makes me really try to avoid turning the attention I need to use on our healing internally into my shame.

You suffered significant sexual trauma. I am no expert, but hard to believe that did not impact your infidelity especially as it was with your abuser. I carried a lot of secrets and shame into our marriage from sexual trauma (very different from yours that I would consider much heavier) and I know that has impacted so much more of my life than I ever could admit. I would strongly suggest that you focus on healing from that as it will be fundamental to being a safe partner again.

I will always feel sadness and disappointment when I think about the horrible choices I made that have caused so much damage, but I am getting better at separating the bad choices from viewing me as a bad person. The shame I have carried really prevented me from so much including the connection and intimacy that I desperately wanted from my wife. She was always there and willing to be the partner I wanted, but I could not accept that she could love me if she really knew how damaged I was. Turns out I could not have been more wrong and had I been able to process and communicate better I am confident I would have made so many better choices. I will never justify my affair, but I can confidently say I know the dark parts of me that contributed to it. I think you need to give yourself some grace and realize how much your past trauma is impacting you.

Your post resonated with me and not much of what others replied was able to help me get out of the shame spirala, but eventually with the support of this community, IC, and more than anything radical honesty and transparency with my wife I am healing and truly believe our marriage is going to survive. I do not know what the path forward for you will be, but in all scenarios finding peace and healing for you needs to be a priority. We are better than our worst moments.