SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is true that the pain of infidelity was inflected on me by my wife, and that is fully on her. However, I believe it is equally true that I sustained it, which is fully on me.

Some may agree, others disagree, and I appreciate and welcome the conflict of ideas for there are many paths through the thicket of infidelity.

Please understand, I am not claiming an absolute truth. But all I know is that coming to this new perception has provided overdue peace and the furthering of a long-awaited healing for two troubled and broken hearts.

Asterisk

I read your post as a deeper thought - that of my role in my own healing.

In the case of trickle truth, the healing process extends as long as the lies continue to be told.

So if I come at it from the POV that after I have the truth to the extent that I am satisfied that the information I have is true and complete enough to make sense to me, then my healing can go forward from there.

Prior to that, I think I am healing, but only in certain aspects. To me, healing means I understand what happened, why, how it affects or changes my life. I also reach a point of accepting that I have enough solid information about the events that I can understand my own reactions, make decisions that are based in true facts, and can do so without losing my composure and logical thought process. And healing means I can look at the events without the deep emotion anguish I felt when I first learned of the infidelity.

How can I "sustain" my own pain? I know I did. I wallowed. I overthought many events, using a "what is the worst thing I can think of" approach, and then using that to wallow in. Because I did not have the truth right away, I did a lot of mental/emotional self-injuring by imagining things, deciding that was the "only" way it could have played out, told myself that what I imagined IS now the truth, and then cried and agonized over it.

But what I thought I "knew" wasn’t the truth. It was my way of coping, by choosing the worst possible thing I could imagine, and then making it "my truth" - ignoring the fact that I myself created it from a tiny fact and exponentially made it into something far more menacing, evil, and painful to me.

I own doing this to myself. It was born of fear, abandonment, feeling discarded and unloved. I went into that dark hole.

I’m coming out a bit now. 19 months after the confession.

This is the post I've been hoping to read for a long time. I'm happy for you, brother, smiling from ear to ear.

...I sustained it, which is fully on me.

Yes, it is.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:43 AM, Tuesday, January 13th]

Asterisk —

I think we all sustain it some — part of it as a step in healing. It takes time to believe in good things in the now.

Our brain really wants us NOT to experience pain, so it ruminates to find a way, or a safer path. The endless loop can become a trap for sure. Misery of sorts can become reliable — which in and of itself can be a comfort of sorts, because it can be depended on.

I believe part of your sustaining was the timing of it all, with some other things you previously noted.

It is hard to get one’s footing after betrayal, it is harder when other things are going on.

Give yourself a bit of kindness on this.

There are reasons it took you longer to get to a point where you don’t feel the need to live in the pain any more.

Reaching this particular conclusion sounds like another healing step to me.

I read that very positively. I read you to say something like, 'I accepted the pain, and I'm healing from it. I have not (and will not) let my W's actions ruin my life. I own my power.'

Bravo!

Is that at least part of what you meant?

Please understand, I am not claiming an absolute truth. But all I know is that coming to this new perception has provided overdue peace and the furthering of a long-awaited healing for two troubled and broken hearts.

THIS is what counts ! Thank you for sharing...this makes my heart SMILE !