SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been with my husband 27 yrs will be married 21 this month. In jan 2024 I decided to quit drinking so I had trouble sleeping I would journal my husband is a pot smoker hell wake up go smoke and come back to sleep I heard his phone give notifications and didn't think much of it but it eas several times at 2am I had noted it in my journal fast forward I get my monthly text my cell phone bill is due so for shits and giggles I was like let me look what date that was I heard his phone going off I googled the number and it was his female coworker 9xs at 2am and I even wrote he got up o assumed to smoke three was 1 text bsck to thst number. So I decided to just sit on this. Feb 15th a relative was flying in to stay with us my husband casually made a comment about bringing our dog to work amd I lost it.i said you are not bringing our dog in so XX can touch him he's like what ate you talking about I said why did she text you 9xs at 2am? Instead of saying what are you talking about in a concerned way he got super defensive so i pulled it up and swears it never happened I called att they said it happened. My husband shares it was a glitch I said bs only way I believe you to see her phone records so they printed them out but left out that specific day instead o. That day printed calls. Mind u my relative arrived I tried to not put this behind until her visit was over. Ever since then something felt off. He swore it was a glitch so did she bc I called her. Fast forward people who know her said oh your husband works with XX I would be careful she can't be trusted I hope you trust ypur husband. My grandmother fell ill I told my husband I don't feel comfortable with you being friendly with her keep it professional there ofgixes are side by side which he didn't tell me I seen when i brought him a plant for getting a new office, this further irritated me. He continued to tell me they she strictly just does the contracts etc.dadt forward at his xmas party she's like your husband is so nice he's always doing nice things for me...I'm livid.niw I start looking through his phone being a detective be owning someone I'm not but I wanted answers on the ride home he said such horrible cruel words to me calling me CUN$ SPEEDING really nasty I should of left then but my nN was ill amd dying I had alot going on this was topper I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so dealwas he would no longer interact besides work I believed him I found it strange she would rarely text he'd tell me that projects over I won't be working with her anymore.

Turns out that's a lie.so 2 yrs I've felt insecure of how my husband feels about me I'm not insecure as a person if that makes sense my husband would put me down belittle me make me question my reality, calling me insecure and phyco. Recently he left his work email up on home computer I seen her name and thought he said they don't communicate I went to deleted and found she sent him a flirty email. So I said I think we still hzve a boundry problem he's like what now here we go again I'm not doing this your jealous and phyco I pulled the email up and he's like we are done ypu look they my work email called me degrad8ng names I was so angry I xalled her I asked her why after 2 yrs she's still being unprofessional she said that's absurd I have a new fiance I don't flirt I'm professional maybe it's a you problem what because I'm pretty I said no sweety I'm pretty there are many beautiful women in this world but those women didn't show up on my phone bill ar 2am I wasn't warmed to watch out for them and I'm reading the email myself. I am standing up for my marriage and in that moment I felt shame bc I directed my anger at her when i know it should be on him but I Saud I held this in 2yrs msyve your fiance should see what I see and decide for himself or if you were in my shoes how would you react. My husband is now acting like he's mad at me I pound love the hard truth in people's opinion is I overstepped I feel emotional cheating or maybe more had occurred

Silentlybruised, honestly, your post is a little difficult to understand and seems to be missing a lot of punctuation. Can you run it through a grammar checker to help make it clearer?

I skimmed and got the idea that he's gaslighting you and he's still working with this woman. There is no "glitch" that causes 9 text messages between people (speaking as someone who used to work on communications systems design). The email is another big red flag.

I think you've known the truth all this time. He's not remorseful - he's trying DARVO, lie, and gaslight you. The question is what you're going to do about it. Time for you to stand up for yourself. People can divorce for any reason at all - you don't need proof that he's cheating. If you don't like his behavior, walk away. Unless you present him with real consequences for his actions, he will keep doing whatever he's doing.

Yes, it's kind of difficult to untangle the whole story as written, but in a nutshell I'd say you have good reason to think something is going on, and your husband sounds verbally abusive and gaslighty.

In a nutshell he’s lying and cheating right in front of you.

2 am texts? Oh hell no!

I don’t know how you can stop this but please know we here at SI believe he’s been very dishonest and disrespectful to you.

It's gaslighting. Trying to paint you insane because you are onto something your partner wants to keep hidden from you.

Do not doubt your sanity, trust your instincts.

Hi everyone. I was too emotiowriting the first post. Here is a clear version.
I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel very confused and emotionally stuck.
I’ve been married for about 21 years. For the past 2 years, I’ve had ongoing distress about my husband’s relationship with a female coworker Their offices are next to each other, and they interact regularly at work.
What’s been most damaging is not only the friendship itself, but the dishonesty and defensiveness around it. Over time, I’ve noticed inconsistent explanations, "half-truths," and minimizing whenever I bring up my discomfort. Instead of reassurance, I often feel like I’m being made to feel irrational for even asking questions. My husband always talks so aeeful to me in an conversation with her.
Recently, I discovered more proof of ongoing communication than I was led to believe, which confirmed that he hasn’t been fully honest with me. I became emotionally reactive and ended up contacting the coworker directly, which I regret in terms of how upset I was — but it came from feeling unseen and gaslit for a long time.
The coworker responded politely and claimed nothing inappropriate is happening, but I still feel unsettled because:
the relationship has been kept vague and minimized, she would never look at me when I had been to the office
my husband becomes defensive rather than supportive
I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unheard for a long time
the ongoing secrecy has deeply eroded trust
At this point, I’m trying to understand whether this fits the pattern of emotional infidelity/betrayal trauma, or if I’m reacting to the dishonesty and lack of boundaries more than the woman herself.
I’d appreciate insight from anyone who has experienced something similar — especially around workplace "friendships," gaslighting, and broken trust.

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends."

Make him read it or read it to him.

Best wishes.

The coworker's words to you cannot be trusted. If something is going on between them, or even if she's nursing feelings for him, she has no reason to be honest with you. I would suggest you don't bother contacting her again.

The real issue is your husband and your marriage. The lies, minimizing, and gaslighting are a problem. Trust your instincts on this one. I remember feeling like my STBX's coworker was too friendly/flirty with him when I met her, but she sort of apologized by email the next day, so I let it go. 6 months later, they were having a full on affair.

I second Formerpeopleperson's book recommendation, but I suspect your husband won't read it given his attitude toward you so far. Remember that contempt and stonewalling are two of the Gottman's infamous "four horseman" in a marriage. His behavior is not okay. That's what you need to focus on.

The only thing that's going to work in this situation is for you to define a clear boundary with clear consequences if he crosses that line. A lot of people have good luck with a polygraph test - not so much for the test questions/results, but because the spouse taking the test will often confess out of fear of failing it. You might consider doing that. Tell him that if he takes the test and passes, you will drop this issue (and then actually do it if he passes).

You said you wished you'd left him 2 years ago, but life got in the way. What is stopping you now?

I get it - you must have been SO pissed when you wrote this, as I would be. Those 2 am text messages are ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. And the fact that other weird shit like the phone company not having that day for her....nah. Your instincts are right on, and if this man cared about you, he would not be attacking you and making out like your're crazy. He'd be trying to comfort you and do whatever he could to put this issue at rest. In any way he could, maybe even considering a new job. So yeah, something is going on with her and a new fiance means nothing....it means she likes to play the field while engaged. She's obviously not marriage material. So what do you do about this....well, let's consider the options: You can keep raising hell with him and keep playing detective. He's gonna keep lying to you and calling you crazy (NEVER STAY WITH ANYONE WHO TRIES TO MAKE OUT THAT YOU ARE CRAZY - NEVER), and he might even enjoy driving you crazy. There are people like this. She sounds like a right bitch too and she probably enjoys your pain too. So talking to him and fighting with him does no good. Your instincts say he's involved with her in some way and I think your instincts are right. You don't send 2am text messages without being involved. Maybe 4pm...but NOT 2am. That's pillow talk. And maybe she thought she'd get him on a smoke break, but maybe she likes the idea of being competitive with you because she's "pretty".....so what, with enough make-up on even I get a few guys at age 70.

So what can you do about her - well, if you've contacted her and that does no good. She's brazen and I think she enjoys the conflict. OH THE DRAMA! You can tell HR but....what proof do you have and this couple will make out that you're crazy even though the other folks there know what a POS she is. You can tell the fiance....but he's probably in love and bamboozled and won't believe you. He'll have to learn the hard way, alas.

So I think your best bet, is to collect what evidence you have, put together your financial records, and go talk to a divorce lawyer. I am absolutely serious, yes, I DO think that lying, and gaslighting and continually involving this bitch in your lives IS grounds for divorce. You know what's going on and he's showing massive disrespect to you and getting away with it. This is a guy who does not respect you or your marriage or the boundaries you've tried to set. So I say go whole hog, go for the divorce. Even if you have kids, you don't want to live like this....IMO, both of them are enjoying this at your expense and the best way to handle it is to pull out of the game. It's the only way you can win. And don't let him pull you back in. You deserve a better man and believe me.....you can find one. DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT. They'll give you as much as you're willing to take. And this is not gonna stop just because she has a fiance.....she wants the WHOLE COLLECTION.

Ah....I hate to say it but....get an STD test. And seriously do file, this is not going to get better. This guy does not respect you or your marriage. NEVER stay with someone who tries to make out that you're crazy - eventually they will drive you there. I've seen it. Lay the hammer down!!!

The book GIFT OF FEAR was written by a cop. The premise of it is that we often have feelings and thoughts that we ignore because we think we’re supposed to. Think about a herd of deer and how as they’re grazing they hold their heads up and watch back-and-forth as they are constantly on guard. It keeps them safe and they will run at the drop of a hat. Your body has the same defense mechanisms but because you have been civilized you ignore it. We all do. His book is usually about physical safety out in the public area, but there’s also a lot of good information generally. Your body has been telling you for two years that there’s something stinking going on with your husband and you keep trying to second-guess yourself that maybe it’s not that bad. Well, yes it is, because he knows you’re upset and he keeps doing it anyway. That means he is a piece of s**t. I agree, you have more than enough information to go talk to a lawyer and decide whether you even want to stay married or not. You don’t have to put up with anything. You have the right to get on with your life and leave him in the dust.