SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New member.

I honestly wasn't sure if would post.

I feel like I have no one cause who can you really talk to about this? Sure my feelings are valid but what I did automatically gives me a Scarlet A. No one wants to empathize with a WW and I get it. It truly just is hard when you are genuinely remorseful and want to heal.

I am not sure if I'm ready to share my story publicly so please be kind. My A happened decades ago. I just still have residual guilt and regret.

I know my whys and am now a safe partner. Just would love to hear from others. Thanks.

Definitely seen and heard. You can read my posts, but I recently disclosed my affair that ended 20 years ago. So grateful my wife is willing to work on reconciling, but I battle shame, regret, and guilt every day. I often reference the trauma I have from the affair, but had a hard time even admitting that as it feels wrong to reference trauma I feel when the trauma I caused is so painful to my wife.

Monday is therapy day and we have been working on self-compassion. Not sure if you have ever done IC, but has been helpful for me. Lots of experienced people on this site and you will find lots of helpful advice.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you for your response fvl. I appreciate it.

I have followed your story while lurking.

I do hear you about the A trauma. I only have fragmented memories now due to mine.

My IC has been ok. She is focusing on self compassion and forgiveness. She suggested finding support from others since I dont want to discuss it with anyone irl.

The combination of time, substance abuse, and dissociative amnesia have obliterated almost all details / memories of the affair, but the trauma is very fresh and real when I think about it. I am spending most of my time in IC on self compassion and it does not come natural. I was raised in a household where anything less than high achievement / perfection was looked very poorly upon and where high achievement / perfection was merely acknowledged as expected. That created a host of issues I am understanding better, but one is that I am very critical of myself and feel a failure where most people would not.

I did an exercise with the therapist today from a book on self-compassion by Dr Kristen Neff (former WW btw) focusing on one thing I am critical of myself right now and how to apply self compassion, humanity, and mindfulness to it. I get the concept intellectually, but the application feels so unnatural. Something I need to be very intentional about.

I typically gravitate to worrying that self compassion = justification. That said, I have some significant FOO trauma and childhood sexual experiences that really messed me up in ways I am just starting to unpack and I can definitely see that influence on decisions throughout my life.

I have enjoyed Kathy Nickerson on Instagram / YouTube as much of her content resonates with me. Might be worth a listen if you are bored.

fvl,

Thank you again for your helpful response. It sounds like we have a similar FOO story.

One thing I will say is that you sound like a good person who has learned and is growing from this trauma. I can feel ashamed by my poor decisions but it doesn’t define me and that helps to let go of shame.

Hi there hauntedeveryday,

Welcome to SI. This place has helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. You will find empathy here because every wayward person here has been through it. The details of our situations differ but at the heart of it we all chose to betray our partners (and our own integrity) and most of us chose to conceal that betrayal at least for a time. Some of us for many years. This protected forum is a great place to work through your feelings. Leaving the stop sign checked means that only fellow Waywards can reply, a further layer of protection. Betrayed spouses can also respond if you uncheck the stop sign.

Does your BS know about the affair?

Welcome again from this EvolvingSoul.

Thank you for your welcome ES

Yes, my BS knows about the A. I confessed as soon as I ended it. It was also a way to keep me accountable and ensure NC. They consider us r'd.

I think that approaching empty nest and retirement has triggered me.

I know from lurking that many BS are empathetic as well. I am not sure if I am ready to uncheck yet. I may need a bit more time.

I have read the advice thar hikingout, BSR and other ww leave on the forums and find them informative and helpful. It helps to know i am not alone.

I very much think empty nesting and retirement had a huge influence on my process. We had spent 25 years with kids as our almost sole focus and that enabled me to not think as much about my relationship with my wife. Once our son went to college I quickly realized that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with someone who I needed to be honest and authentic with if we had any chance of having a meaningful relationship for the rest of our lives. I knew I had to confess to my terrible choices and that it would destroy her and possibly our marriage, but I was in full mental health meltdown and that was not sustainable.

I am curious why you think you continue to have the strong negative feelings so many years after you have reconciled. I told my therapist yesterday that I think I can start to give myself more self compassion when my wife is further along in the healing journey. For sure I will always be sad and angry with myself when I think about the infidelity, but I hope I think about it a lot less many years from now and can pair the negative emotions with some self compassion.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 1:48 AM, Wednesday, February 18th]

Hi fvl,

Self-forgiveness seems like a marathon for me. I can’t unring that bell no matter how badly I would like to. Realizing I was capable of such a horrendous thing fills me with such disgust.

Being back in therapy has opened old wounds for me - complex trauma related to A. There's a part of my brain that needs to remind me, I'm X years out and not that person anymore. But I still feel haunted as my moniker suggests.

Healing for me seems like it will always be a work in progress. I will always feel sadness and anger about it even this many years in R.

I can understand what you are saying. Even though I confessed almost nine years ago, there are times I go through these feelings.

A couple of books that words soothe me in those times are "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle and "rising strong" by brene brown. Self compassion over something so heinous is a hard thing to gain. For those of us who have a tremendous issue with self love, receiving love, etc is likely a lifelong journey for us. But I can tell you that you are divinely loved and inherently worthy. It may help when you want to focus on the bad you have done to start rewiring by listing down 3-5 things you appreciate about yourself, or things you have done that you are proud of.

When we know better we do better, it may help for you to also reflect on what you have learned and how you have used it.

There is no magic wand with these things, self forgiveness is not always possible, but you can give yourself grace. I do a lot better at that now than I used to but I am not sure for someone like us that it’s ever all the way gone. However, I will remind you and feeling low for tha matter that the reason you are in this despair is it’s deeply not who you are or who you want to be. And in that tells you that you are not a horrible, unworthy person.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:59 PM, Wednesday, February 18th]

hikingout,

Thank you so very much for your kind words and understanding. I especially appreciated the self-forgiveness vs grace wisdom. It definitely gave me a different perspective.

I have downloaded the books you recommended and will give them a try. The one I had been listening to recommended by my therapist, The Body Keeps the Score, was very clinical and long. Although i suppose it was more about trauma than grace.

I am not unworthy.

You are not unworthy.

The easier to process of the two books is the brene brown one. I wild start with that one. The power of now feels woo woo at first but read a little and reflect and if you do this consistently you wil be amble to tap int what he is trying to expand your mind to see. It’s one that I have to pick up and put down and have read a few times now and each time it hits differently.

I also tried to read the body keeps the score a few times and I seem to put it down and not come back to it. I think I may try again. I remember trying this much earlier and it would make me wallow in shame. I have that so much more under control now it would probably hit me differently this time.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:18 PM, Wednesday, February 18th]