SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been on here for a long time, but I have this new numbness and doneness that’s come over me years later.

tbh with myself the betrayal was always an underlying current, a red flag I ignored in favor of the feelings that came from the love bombing because, dang that feels so good.

We are a decade post most major affair and 5 years post the 2nd major affair and while I do believe the infidelity had stopped, now I’m in a state of "I went through all of that trauma for this?"

Sex has dwindled to a quarterly event. Kisses and deep hugs are rare, I’ve stopped asking for my needs in these regards to be met over and over, so it just all stopped.

I had a breakdown, clinical burnout, that had me unemployed by choice for 6 months. I returned to work one year ago, to a supportive job. The whole time I was careening toward burnout, I couldn’t help but realize, I was susceptible to the toxic work environment because my self esteem is absolutely trashed.

I ran myself ragged making sure his environment was as good as it could be, became severely codependent, and in reality, he barely asked me to stay.

I asked for what I needed, I was clear. I wanted a new proposal, I wanted a recommitment with new vows. I asked for less mental load (with specific examples), and I absolutely begged to feel wanted.

I hit perimenopause, I was diagnosed with ADHD, I’m just so tired and for what? This? I don’t like this, this isn’t the life I want and I’ll be damned if this bare minimum relationship was worth the trauma.

I’m just frozen, I almost want him to cheat now to make the decision easy.

Wife I hear you.

You don’t need him to cheat to make a decision, your emotional state is already telling something really important about how you truly feel.

You don’t feel coming across as healed from the trauma and as a woman who regained her agency and put herself first, I have the impression you have been containing the pain for long, because it is a state that resemble what I know so well.

The fact you are posting in divorce and not in general suggests to me your feelings are looking for an outlet away from the pain.

Is your WS not initiating physical intimacy, did I get that right?

I feel that you have already identified all the red flags 🚩
And now you need to be heard.

Anytime sister, do not keep it in.

You have been heard

Confused, I think one of the toughest parts of making the call to divorce is that bit of guilt about "giving up" on R, especially if things are kinda, sorta, good enough on the surface of things.

It sounds like you have given R your all, and he hasn't reciprocated. There's no expiration date on deciding to divorce. Sometimes it takes 5 or 10 years, and that's okay. You're 41. That's probably less than half your life. You know what the future is going to look like if you stay frozen. What might it be if you take the plunge?

@BackfromtheStorm, he doesn’t initiate and it isn’t the lack of sex, it is the intimacy, the hugs, the deep kisses, the dances, the looks, feeling desired vs. feeling like a middle aged creature. It is feeling like I deserve it that I miss.

I’ve talked, I’ve given specific examples, I’ve led by example, I’m so tired. Each time I’ve brought up the discussion it improves, just enough for me to stop talking about it, and as soon as Intrust it, poof. A finished effort each time with me expressing how grateful Inam for the crumbs.

The issue I have that keeps me frozen is that he truly doesn’t seem to understand, he’s level 1 autistic so it really just doesn’t appear to compute. But, I can’t be clearer and I’ve read everything out there on hownto communicate. It is slowly killing me. BUT, if you ask me, I will say it is fine.

I look back through my memories and see a lot of me gaslighting myself.

@BackfromtheStorm, he doesn’t initiate and it isn’t the lack of sex, it is the intimacy, the hugs, the deep kisses, the dances, the looks, feeling desired vs. feeling like a middle aged creature. It is feeling like I deserve it that I miss.

I’ve talked, I’ve given specific examples, I’ve led by example, I’m so tired. Each time I’ve brought up the discussion it improves, just enough for me to stop talking about it, and as soon as I trust it, poof. A dimished effort each time with me expressing how grateful I am for the crumbs.

The issue I have that keeps me frozen is that he truly doesn’t seem to understand, he’s level 1 autistic so it really just doesn’t appear to compute. But, I can’t be clearer and I’ve read everything out there on hownto communicate. It is slowly killing me. BUT, if you ask me, I will say it is fine.

I look back through my memories and see a lot of me gaslighting myself.

You know, even before you mentioned his autistic traits, from your description of the M, I already recognized you're having similar struggles to mine with my SAWH who is on the spectrum and/or diagnosable with PD. (personality disordered). With us, the "M" has always "Looked OK" from the outside to others, which is the really baffling part. I've come to understand those feelings of emptiness I get are where I keep expecting an actual partner would show up, but the autistic cannot "do" this kind of connection well. Thinking of "the other as of one's self" seems like a bridge too far for them, for some reason.

Then as time goes on, the deficit of loving emotions accumulates in spouses attempting to stay M to an autistic who won't work on any issues. I'm not convinced they even CAN and that is a very reluctant conclusion I've had to come to after 23 years of false R. Although I did once meet an autistic husband, the father of 3 autistic children, who confessed openly - in front of his Special Ed teacher wife! - that he knew he has a problem, and he acknowledged honestly to me that it is a problem. (He was trying to make me feel better about my SAWH's diagnosis.) But that is exceptional; I rarely have experienced that self-insight from my H. So what you have might be all you can expect. . And perimenopause makes everything more difficult.

If you want to make a little more effort, I'll share what my W does with me sometimes. She tells me exactly what she want to hear and asks my to say it. Doing something like that - for example, 'Hug me and focus on me while you do it' - might get you what you want.

I know that sort of direction seems unlikely to do much of anything, but it works for my W.

Also, I offer this only as something you can try, if you want to. I am by no means suggesting that you do it if you don't want to.

You're half my age, less than 1/3 of the way through adulthood if you have an average lifespan. That's a lot of years, and I hope they turn out to be good ones. You do not have to stay with your H. I assume you know that, since you're posting in D/S.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I hope you find a good way out of suffering, whatever that may be.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:27 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

She tells me exactly what she want to hear and asks my to say it.

I did this for years, did it become habit for your W? I state my needs very clearly and specifically. Clarity is kindness, as they say. Verbal in the moment, bullet pointed lists with specific examples. I’m tired, he has lists, basically his email is a user manual for meeting my needs.

Then as time goes on, the deficit of loving emotions accumulates in spouses attempting to stay M to an autistic who won't work on any issues. I'm not convinced they even CAN and that is a very reluctant conclusion I've had to come to after 23 years of false R.

I think this is what keeps me frozen, he does "try," but each time I accept less and less effort. Right after our last conversation about how I feel and how much I’m struggling we went to a movie about a failing marriage. I was concerned about the content given it was just days after this conversation. He came out of it talking about how lucky we are. He was totally sincere, he truly believes things are wonderful unless I’m actively and visibly upset.

I understand. It gets to be a "sentence" trying to educate someone who can't or won't carry over any particular theme from one situation to the next. I just dealt with this yesterday. And I really wish it didn't bother me but after almost 30 years....you would think. But that's where we are not getting it, I fear. They just aren't able to reflect and apply what they learned in one specific situation to another. This actually came from the Special Ed teacher whose husband I met. She said what is baffling to us is how such a person can be so brilliant in one situation (shine and do very well) but fail to carry over the principle learned to the next situation. I wish I had more info to give but that sort of summed up what I'm dealing with and sounds like you, too.

Two questions:

Was he ALWAYS like this and it was acceptable to you SO LONG AS HE WAS STEADY EDDY AND FAITHFUL? (I was like that.)

And then, do you think if he hadn't cheated this behavior would bother you quite so much, seeing him never "get it"?

Superesse put a good question to find answers.

I can say that unless this is very specific for him as a trait he always had, me and every guy I know in person need physical intimacy in order to get to emotional intimacy.

I don’t mean intercourse which is what is generally considered as sex, because I consider the whole men/woman interaction as sex, holistically.

There’s a galaxy of variations of physical intimacy, as in with emotional.

To me your emotions are telling something clear, you want a man who can meet you there, you seem tired of waiting and pulling, and I get it, attraction should be like gravity, effortless.

You are putting effort like the polarity is dead, and seems like ultimately your polarity is ready to orient somewhere else.

You are still young enough to find that. Unpleasant to hear but if he leaves you no choice you should not preclude you from making some yourself and deny you the happiness you deserve.

There’s billions of people out there, your man is the one you once put on top, but I’d say he is ranking pretty low right now, and demanding you sink with him.

His choice. But you got yours.