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Mantras are an invaluable tool when dealing with the kind of hurt and anger that arise with infidelity. I think they are especially useful for people who are in the early throws of dealing with this painfully disorienting issue.

There are many mantras here at SI. And I support them when used in a general way. However, I have personally felt it when the mantra had become so rigid it seemed more like a dogma to obey verses a mantra to consider.

In my mind, a mantra is not a statement of fact, rather it is a suggestion that is applicable most of the time. Whereas a dogma does not allow for those moments where it is not effective. Instead, it shifts the blame of the failure of the dogma to properly match the situation onto the person it is being applied to. Dogmas are sneaky buggers, easy traps to fall into!

As important as mantras are, I believe any group, whether religious or secular, that is attempting to help others, must always be careful not to allow their mantras to become dogmas.

Asterisk

Actually no, there are many different viewpoints on SI. If anything, many people here have been criticized as being too "pro-R".

If everyone is telling you basically the same thing and you will not consider, maybe it is time to ask if YOU are the one fooling yourself.

could you please share what specific mantra(s) you are referring to?

It can come across as more of a passive-aggressive dig when you withhold what you're actually criticizing.

Interesting that I am realizing I only know what a mantra is as an abstraction, while I am very familiar with dogmas.

I don’t know any mantra in particular, this might be a first for me so I am curious.

My intuition about mantra’s as I have been able to understand so superficially, is a shortcut to guide someone towards processing something they are experiencing in this moment.

Basically skipping the hardest parts of a climbing to "get there" like nails on a rock, but you still have to get there by yourself, right?

You then will fill the gaps yourself and complete the process faster.

Dogma skips that entirely, it is "there" and forbids you the climb, you can only be there and there is nowhere else but there. Accept it as faith, never question it.

Though they may have utility in some scenarios, I always disliked dogmas because it keeps me in the dark about the process, so I can’t assess if I agree with the conclusion or partially or not.

I like to think one thing: I am not helping anyone, I am being there for them to listen. They help themselves because they only have the power to do it, my role is nothing more than offering attention, acting like a canvas where they paint their own work and can then see it in its entirety.

It’s help in that sense, as I help myself by exploring and learning from others.

You are free to ask me to stop posting to your threads and I will respect it. Seems like I hit a pretty strong nerve last time.

I agree with WBFA (don’t let it go to your head ), there is great diversity of perspective from those who commune here. If I was going to narrow it down to one idea that this group is in very high alignment on is this: rugsweeping is bad. Facing issues is the path forward. If you poke at that sacred cow, you will pretty much be opposed from all sides. I’m personally in lock step with that idea, I think it merits the near unanimity.

I anticipate that you disagree that you are rugsweeping. You seem to want to paint a picture of a nuanced other path. Plainly, from your writing, I perceive you are avoiding hard topics and conversations. Others seem to be seeing similar patterns.

I wrote on here extensively for the better part of two years as I went thru infidelity hell. A member who doesn’t post any more named Hellfire provided some of the most intense emotional support to me, and she also threw a mean haymaker between my eyes occasionally. Both did me so much good. I’m not going to force that on you, again, I’ll go silent if you want. But those hard comments can come from a place of genuine care.

And you can also just ignore whatever you want. Take what you need, leave the rest. #mantra