SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to go ahead and thank any responses before I get started. I really appreciate it. Like many in the group I've kept my wife's affair a secret (for now) to protect her and give us a chance to mend what we have before we have our families at war. I had a few questions but here is a quick rundown of my situation.

Spouse of over 15 years has been in emotional affair for about a year. Not physical as far as I know. I'm the sole provider. We have several young kids. I confronted her with evidence months ago when I found out. She is still in contact daily with AP. No remorse, has blame shifted the affair completely on me... particularly for checking her phone when I suspected she was cheating. Re-writing our past. We are still living together with the kids but basically treating each other roommates. I think she secretly wants me to be so miserable I file for divorce first so she doesn't look like a villain. It's been pretty terrible.

A few questions for the community:

I'm considering writing her a letter (since talking leads to heated accusations from her). The letter would be an olive branch sort of thing giving her yet another opportunity to try and save our marriage. Is there ANYTHING I can write in the letter that might sway her put of affair fog? Any wayward wives care to comment? Or husband's that had success? If I do write it ...what are some pitfalls to avoid (accepting blame for the affair, being accusatory, etc...)

Particular example: I hurt her feelings in a situation while she was in the affair (I didn't know at the time). Would apologizing for that scenario only validate her affair feelings?

I'm under the impression that building somewhat pleasant interactions for now is the least damaging approach while I weather the storm of the affair. Am I being dumb for not turning up the heat and just filing myself? We have kids and I genuinely think she's in affair fog and not thinking clearly.

I understand she's probably scared, angry, ashamed and feels trapped in a lose-lose situation. Any wayward spouses have a posture I could take or ANYTHING I can say that would be taken as a positive pull to save the relationship? I just feel like both of us have dug in our heals waiting for the other to break. Unfortunately if/when I break, she's going to get exactly what she wants. 50% of everything, probably the house with the kids, plus a new guy ready to move right in and replace me.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond! I'd kindly ask that you please mention your perspective (betrayed or wayard) so I can understand the context.

You are not going to like what I write. Give up. Her behavior says she has moved on. No letter is going to change her mind.
You need to look after your health. Right now the stress is eating you up inside. See a dr for meds for anxiety and to help with sleep. Get outside for sunlight and exercise. You need something physical to do get out the intense feelings running around in your brain.
I am so sorry to welcome you into this club. Give it a chance. Good people on here to prop you up and help you will sound advice.

I am quite sure your main feeling is terror. That is running your life right now. Call the dr tomorrow .

Sorry you are going through this but you will receive good support. I have to be honest. But based on her behavior you describe, nothing you write to her will work. One of the hardest things to accept in infidelity and life, is that we can’t control others behavior. Your WW has been cheating on you for a year because she wants to do it. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. For the last year there have been three people in your M. That is an intolerable situation. She has moved on and is unlikely to change course.

My advice: always value yourself. You deserve a faithful partner. Get tested for STDs. See an attorney to learn your rights and if it were me, file for D. Is her AP married? If so expose the A to his OBS, and expose to your families. Take care of you and your health. Be there for your children. Practice a hard 180 with your WW. Do not engage or argue with her, she will just say things to hurt you. Become a gray rock. Give her nothing or emotion to turn on you. You will get through this and thrive. Have faith in your own strength. Good luck.

I am sorry friend but your WW is a lost cause. And I don't believe for a second that her affair is not physical.

Do not write the letter. You are trying to reason with someone who does not want reason and who even has thrown away her sense of right and wrong--if she ever even had it to begin with.

I really hope you get the urgency of your situation here, I am actually concerned for you about how dangerous your WW is to you and your kids. Job 1 is right now for you to protect yourself AND your kids from the evil shrew-lady. It breaks my heart that the courts don't always recognise how destructive infidelity is. Have you spoken with a good attorney? Surely you and your kids can be better protected than this.

Sunlight is often the best disinfectant too. Your families need to know, if only to help protect their grandkids from your WW's wicked ways.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:50 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]

Unfortunately if/when I break, she's going to get exactly what she wants. 50% of everything, probably the house with the kids, plus a new guy ready to move right in and replace me.

Me: Betrayed husband, tried really really really hard to reconcile for about two years, ended up divorcing.

I can pretty much guarantee that she is not being as rational as you are giving her credit for. She is almost certainly terrified to lose, being a SAHM with young kids, it’s a vulnerable spot to be in.

That said, that really doesn’t matter for you. She put herself in this bind, and she did it by betraying and destroying you. She gets no sympathy. She absolutely deserves none. Previous arguments or hurt feelings don’t mean jack shit at this point. And I totally agree with the others, don’t try to nice her back with an empathic letter.

You. Can’t. Control. Her.

She has chosen other than you. It’s brutal, I think it’s evil, but it’s what she did and continues to do. So you have to let her.

Hello deepseacalm. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

I think she secretly wants me to be so miserable I file for divorce first so she doesn't look like a villain

.Trust your instincts. You're probably right about this. It's common enough that I can write this with confidence.

Many betrayed spouses will do the "pick me dance." It's a natural response. If you can just "win" her back...

It's not going to work. There is absolutely nothing you can do to win a competition that simply doesn't exist.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to risk it's utter demise.

"I will not be married to a cheater," is what I told my ex-wife within 24 hours of discovery. It wasn't a threat or meant to manipulate; it was a simple fact of life.

Make a simple offer: "If you want to remain married to me this affair ends right now. The choice is yours."

This is all you need to say.

I am sorry you are going through this first and foremost.

I see no reason for you to protect her character now since she is actively in the affair. In fact,no think your action now are enabling.

Tell her family what she is doing so they understand the status of your marriage and why it will likely end. You need to be in control now.

And please, if this other man has a spouse, immediately tell them of this affair. You have to understand your wife is abusing you. Protect your heart and the children. Seel God for wisdom and deliverance. 🙏

You are a good and honorable person but you can't save the marriage unless you are willing to lose it.

I played this pick-me game when I thought the affair was not physical, and got myself a world of extra hurt and heartbreak.

There are 2 ways to end the affair fog:

1. The affair broke down naturally due to things getting real and the projections disintegrated.

2. Show the consequences by filing for divorce.

I would encourage you to read Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life " book. One thing that helped me is the saying that WS can always find you and restart a relationship after the divorce if there is a total transformation. Divorce or reconciliation is not a one way permanent door.

[This message edited by LastTimeinForever at 5:53 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]