SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an emotional affair that we are both struggling to move on from 2 years later. We both want to stay together but it's still very up and down. I have weeks where I feel okay and then others I can't stop crying. He has weeks when I think he understands the damage he did but then other times he's back to minimising and expecting me to be over it, making excuses etc.It still feels so fragile. We make steps of progress and then take steps back. Is 2 years still early days? I should add it took most of the first year to get the full truth and for him to stop lying. I know there is no set time line we should follow but I am so exhausted by this dominating my thoughts for 2 years. I want to start letting go but my brain just can't. Anyone further down the road able to reassure that peace will come?

My story is similar and 2 years since discovery. I don't really know what to say but that I'm right there with you and couldn't pass by without saying hello and sorry you're here too. My husband is still in complete denial. Also possibly PA but I don't suppose I'll ever know.

I feel trapped in so many ways but have to keep telling myself that this will pass in one way or another - nothing is permanent and will conclude somehow.

EA hurts alot because feelings are real and also has the added hurt of being perfect to them because it stays the idealised fantasy in their head.

Keep your chin up love. You're not alone and you're not losing your mind.

Every time you find out something new it resets the clock on recovery. The fact that it took a year for you to get what you think is the full truth tells me your most recent d day was probably a year ago, and that's assuming you now have the full truth. It's called trickle truth. That's the relationship killer.

The affair itself is bad enough, but the way a wayward spouse handles discovery is what usually makes or breaks a marriage. Every time you think you know everything then get blindsided with another detail it reopens the wound and makes it fresh again. When you're constantly reacting or recovering from new info, healing can't really begin.

Dismissing and minimizing is a killer too. He needs to own what he did and recognize the damage done. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. It takes on average 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's when everything "goes well." PTSD symptoms are common for betrayed spouses.

Have you or he done any counseling? Not marriage counseling, but individual counseling. You for the trauma, and him to dig into what it is that made him think an affair was a good idea. Marriage counseling might be helpful down the road, but the marriage isn't who cheated on you, that was him. It doesn't matter what's going on in a marriage, infidelity is never, ever the answer. No marriage is ever saved or fixed by bringing another person into it. You can be partly responsible for the state of your relationship, but he's 100% responsible for his choice to cheat. Just know that. Nothing you did or didn't do made him have an affair. That's all on him and he needs to own that.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but there's a good group of people here who know what you're going through. You'll get some good help and support, so stick around and keep posting. Ask questions or even just vent if you need to. This is the place for it. Just typing things out and getting feedback helped me a lot. Just hang in there.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:40 PM, Friday, May 29th]

Thanks for the reply.I want to move on but I will never forget the things he said to her in messages. I am pleased he has stopped lying but the truth is painful. I can enjoy good days but that doesn't mean I'm over it. I can accept his love but it makes the betrayal hurt harder. He admitted he loved/loves her but wants to spend his life with me. It's honestly so messed up.I can't make it make sense.
I'm sorry your husband is in denial. Did he bring out the 'just good friends' line?

Hoping4peace99

I can enjoy good days but that doesn't mean I'm over it.

That is such an important point as having good days does not mean the betrayal has stopped hurting and it does not mean you are somehow back at peace - it just means there are moments where the pain is less loud. I also think the first year taking that long to get the full truth matters and healing did not really start from the first discovery - every new truth/minimisation and every single lie adds another layer to process. I recognise some of this from my own situation where later truths changed the timeline and made recovery feel as though it had started again.

He admitted he loved/loves her but wants to spend his life with me.

No wonder your brain cannot make that make sense as wanting to stay with you is not the same as making you feel emotionally safe - for reconciliation to feel real he needs to understand that the damage is not only that he had feelings elsewhere but that you are now left trying to live inside the contradiction of being chosen while also knowing part of him was emotionally invested in someone else. Two years may sound long from the outside but if there was trickle truth and minimising for much of the first year it makes sense that this still feels fragile.

I'm sorry your husband is in denial. Did he bring out the 'just good friends' line?

Omg like a broken record. Still after all the evidence it's because I'm too sensitive, reading into it, overthinking, delusional, that I've come to this conclusion.

Honestly the things he said to her, the time and secrecy. The photos of him with her kids, the hotels they stayed in together, staying at her house during "business trips" and the paralell detachment he showed me during this time when i knew nothing.

It's because I'm old fashioned and wouldn't understand apparently.

But just good friends..... yes, of course

Two years was still up and down for me. Anytime I was triggered….it reset things for me. Peace CAN come….but you both have to work at it.

If he wasn’t completely truthful that first year, you were reset any time you learned something new. That is normal….and maddening and exhausting.

Our first MC sessions the counselor told my FWS that his only job was to be trustworthy and that I wasn’t going to believe a word he said without verifying it for myself.

What I read as minimizing from my FWS was him just wishing that I didn’t hurt….trying to get me to not feel the pain he caused. But, he didn’t excuse away what he had done. He had a hard time facing and accepting it.

GO.TO.COUNSELING…if you can. The Gottman books really helped us.

Honestly, this is so helpful yo hear what I'm feeling is 'normal'. There have been times I thought I was going crazy.

Regarding counselling, I have made enquiries before and then never actually confirmed the appointment. The thought of telling another person and feeling the judgement was just too scary but I do feel ready now, hence seeking out this forum. I know they are not there to judge but the feeling is there all the same. I have only told one friend about any of this. I feel people won't understand why I stayed. We've been together 30 years, have 3 adult children and my whole adult life has been with him. It's not like some tv drama, it's not easy to walk away from all of that. I am committed to my decision to stay and don't need other people questioning it. Until you have actually been there, people don't know. It's a lonely place.

'Just good friends' was said a lot here too. When I initially found things he admitted they were too close and it was inappropriate, he said he would distance himself from her. Only he didn't and then he back tracked and minimised it, continued to see her in secret.

I agree that the first year,possibly 15 months probably doesn't count in terms of healing because he was still lying, minimising etc. The last 6 months things have changed, so that's very early days even though I've been carrying this for 2 years.

Thanks for listening

FWIW he should be counting his blessings you spent a year listening to his lies.

As a 2x affair survivor, after Dday 2 of affair 2 there was no chance I was staying after uncovering a lie. My H tried to lie about one detail and it lasted a few hours before he realized he had better come clean.

And that was the last lie he told.

Reconciliation is hard enough — but to have to live with repeated lies only sets you back again and again.

The fact the cheater believes "you should be over it" signals that he doesn’t really get it. He doesn’t understand the trauma you suffered THAT THE CHEATER CAUSED.

He should be chasing after you - not the other way around. By giving in to him you are letting him control the situation. And that is the opposite of how R should be IMO.

Read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. The cheater should read it too. It will provide the cheater with insight and help the betrayed understand what to expect.

There is a question I have with regards to sex and intimacy. I have found that I either crave it or find it difficult to even be in the same room as him, there seems nothing in between. Sometimes I feel sad afterwards, sometimes I feel happy. I guess it's normal for there to be mixed emotions. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea but I also figured anything that makes us feel closer is good?

I think it's different for everyone. Some couples stop all sex for a while, and some experience hysterical bonding. I think my wife and I went through the latter. Intimacy exploded for us. We've been at it every day for over a year now, sometimes twice a day. So I think we've evolved beyond the hysterical bonding stage and into "this is our sex life now," and I think it's been a good thing for us.

I had some hurdles at first with intrusive thoughts and images as well as side effects from an antidepressant, but at the end of the day (night?) we always ended up getting hot and heavy.

My situation was a little different tho. I was on an SSRI for a few years. It killed my libido and came with some performance issues. We went through a dry spell for a long time. I weaned off a couple of years ago and it took all of that time for my libido to return and some performance issues to go away. It's a known side effect that many Dr's tend to fail to warn people about. Now I'm (we) are back in business in a big way. My wife loves it. She calls it "making up for lost time." I don't see us slowing down anytime soon.

I'd say just take it as it comes. If you're okay with it, go with it. If you're not comfortable with it another night, take a break. Some say hysterical bonding sex is some of the best sex they've ever experienced. That's been my experience. I think it's helped with rebonding and intimacy in general. Others may argue differently.