SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone not actually married that decided to reconcile with a partner ? Is it worth it if you’re not even married ? For context , my partner and I have been together for 5 years, we live together . We don’t have shared children although I have a good relationship with his teenage daughter . (And pets). No shared financial assets. Is it better to cut your losses and move on if you’re not legally tied together ? Reconciliation purely for love ? Just asking for opinions or other experiences as I see most of the people who have posted have specifically been betrayed by a spouse.

He has failed the Husband test. R takes a lot of work and it starts with the basics, NC with AP, honest time line, and no defensiveness. If any of those haven't been met then he's not a candidate for R.

I've written on this topic a few times and some people are not quite so practical as me.

Let's start with "Love". It basically isn't special. I know that hurts to hear to some degree but like, let's say out of everyone that is together, only 20% are purely for business or practical reasons. That means the remainder are in love. Did you *not* love your previous boyfriend? Would you *not* love your next boyfriend? Or would you only stay with a man because you love him?

OK, so I think we can pretty well establish that love is just a condition necessary to maintain any relationship. It is not a reason to make bad choices. In fact it is almost never used to rationalize a good decision. It's almost always "I know I shouldn't X but I love them."

The analogy I have previously used is shoes. Love is just the sole of the shoe. Every shoe has a sole. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a shoe. The dirties most uncomfortable shoe in the world has a sole. The fact that you have worn these shoes for five years doesn't make them good shoes.

So, while I don't think anyone can love anyone, I do think you can quite easily find another person you love. And I think that task is much much easier than reconciling with someone that has betrayed you.

Thus, I basically advise people with *no practical reasons* to stay in the relationship to run. Kids, house, business, etc. Entanglements that make salvaging the existing relationship more practical than finding a new one. And yes, of course you should still love them! But the reason to persevere isn't love. The reason is divorce, splitting assets, having a co-parenting plan, AND starting a new relationship might actually be more painful than reconciliation.

It's an emotional decision though, and love makes people do dumb stuff.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:15 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

Not a romantic, eh, TiF?

I've turned out to be more of a romantic than I thought I would 65 years ago. Even so, I like the shoe metaphor. It's essential but not sufficient.

I wouldn't get married after being betrayed unless WSo did a lot of work and was consistent for 5 years or more.

Not a romantic, eh, TiF?

I've turned out to be more of a romantic than I thought I would 65 years ago. Even so, I like the shoe metaphor. It's essential but not sufficient.

I wouldn't get married after being betrayed unless WSo did a lot of work and was consistent for 5 years or more.

It sure would have made my decision a lot easier had I not been married for 27 years and had a (grown) child, a house, and major financial entanglements on top of almost 3 decades of shared history.

I agree with the "failed boyfriend test" analogy. It will suck for a little while, but you will get over it, and you might just look back and give yourself a pat for dodging a bullet.

Well sisoon, I know you've seen me say similar things elsewhere. How romantic I am is certainly up for debate. It probably depends on how you define romantic. Hell, twue wuv is often the *excuse* to cheat. Gets thrown around a lot with "soul mate". So what is love and romance anyway?

For Leeleelu, I don't remember who posted it some time ago when a similar discussion was had, but it definitely stuck with me: Find the video of Tim Minchin's "If I Didn't Have You".

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:45 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

Yes, I "reconciled" to one disclosed and multiple "felt".

No matter how ,I h you love this person, hardly is worthy to go through the pain it entices since it demands an immense sacrifice from your end.

Obviously it is not all bad. But it very well might undo you completely.

Imagine going through a complex surgery without anesthesia, you could, but why do you need to do that? Especially when you don’t need that surgery in the first place. It won’t heal anything, just gift you scars.

You are a person who can love.
Love is not measured on how much you are willing to suffer.

And this doesn’t mean you don’t love them either.